Cade was quickly becoming the person who wasn’t the enemy and instead the man who saved me from my burning dumpster fire of a day. And as I got changed in the hospital bathroom stall, I realized that my heart squeezed and almost fell apart whenever I saw him. People didn’t break down in tough situations unless someone else was there whom they trusted, whom they could lean on, whom they knew would have their back as they broke. It scared me that my soul trusted him, that I was happy he was here instead of anyone else.
How could I avoid that anymore? I loved him. Wildly. Passionately. Uninhibitedly.
I splashed some water on my face and wiped away as much of the mascara as I could. My hair was a wavy mess, and my face was free of most of my makeup. In flip flops and baggy clothes, I felt comfortable and like maybe I’d be able to get through this without crumbling.
When I returned to the lobby, I found him sitting there, typing away on his phone as always.
I cleared my throat. “Thanks for bringing a change of clothes and candy for me.” Should I tell him? Blurt out my love for him and see if he reciprocated it?
He waved away my thank you. “What do you want to eat?”
“Huh?” I asked.
“You haven’t eaten, have you?” He threw a pointed look at my stomach.
“I’m not very hungry at the moment, Cade.”
He just rolled his eyes and then went back to his phone.
We didn’t talk for a good five minutes as I stared up at the TV, not watching it at all. What could I talk to him about? We didn’t really get along except when we got along much too well without our clothes on.
“You don’t have to stay here, you know? I can send you updates on Lucas when I get them.”
“I don’t need updates,” he grumbled.
“Oh, right. Because you just hack into systems to get all your information.” I grumbled back. Then I ground my teeth together because he’d just been nice enough to bring me clothes. “I’m sorry.”
That got him to put his phone down and peer over at me. As he studied me, I wiggled in the uncomfortable plastic seat next to him. I swear he enjoyed making people sweat because a smile whipped across his face, pure and utter joy filled it, and I was shocked at how young and innocent it made him look. “Izzy, you apologize to me for your anger as if it’s not the thing I like most about you.”
“You like me being a bitch to you?” I curled my lip. “Get real.”
“I do. It’s who you are.”
“You’re saying I’m a bitch.”
“I’m saying you’re fiery and a little off sometimes. I enjoy it. It’s why I almost fucked you in an elevator after spraying your boyfriend in the face. It’s why I fucked you when you spray-painted our bed and when you broke my laptop, and why I’ll probably continue to think of fucking you forever.”
“Can we not bring up my outbursts?”
His smile grew even bigger. “How is Gerald, by the way?”
“I don’t know. He hasn’t texted me since . . .” I threw up my hands. “None of this matters. Lucas matters, and I wish they’d let me back there to see him.”
He sighed, glanced at his phone, and then got up from his seat. “Food’s here for you.”
Confused, I glanced up. A delivery guy was bringing two bags of sandwiches and chips our way.
“Jesus, are you actually a thoughtful person?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
He shrugged. “I’m taking care of my employees.” He emphasized the last word and kept his eyes on me.
Pursing my lips, I nodded and took the bag. “Right. Let me go get some cash . . .”
As I moved to walk past him, he gripped my elbow and leaned in. “I’m not that nice, Izzy. You try to pay me back, and I’ll take you to a hospital closet and gag you with the money.”
His touch on my arm sent sparks all through my body. I ripped it away because I didn't want to feel anything for him. I couldn’t. This wasn’t the place or the time. “You should go.”
He shook his head no.
“Cade, Lucas and I need this,” I said, but really I needed it. I needed him to leave, to leave me with my thoughts and my feelings, and to get a moment to sort through all of them. Love would shatter me, and I think I knew that this was exactly where it was headed. I rubbed at the scrape on my neck that was left from our activities the night before.
We’d done that.
And how was I to know that I could survive when my best friend lay in a hospital bed not surviving what we’d both fought so hard for.
Sobriety meant making healthy choices, even when they felt like the most painful ones.
“I don’t trust myself with you, Cade. I need this. I need time,” I whispered.
His stare was full of frustration. “I’m not good at waiting, Izzy.”
I rolled my lips between my teeth, not sure I could hold out much longer away from him anyway.
He sighed and ran a hand through his thick hair. “Do you have anyone you can call to be here with you?”
“Other than security for no good reason?” I pointed at some of the men in suits. What could I say? I couldn’t bring myself to call my family. Delilah would be concerned. They’d worry, and their worry would bring the weighted guilt of what I’d already done to them. “I’m fine here on my own. I’d like Lucas to have his privacy.”
“It’s still good to have support,” he pointed out.
I wondered if he believed that, if he ever had support. “Would you call your family if they worried constantly about you relapsing?”
He tilted his head like he was considering it. “Sure. Bastian would be there.”
I gulped as he said his brother’s name. Sebastian Armanelli. It should have brought a lot more fear than it did. “You love your brother?”
He smiled like he knew the real question I was asking. “I will always love my brother, dollface. And I stand by everything he’s done and does, even all the mistakes he’s made. Just like I’m sure your brothers and sister would do for you. Family doesn’t shrink from your mistakes and disappear; they just sink their roots in deeper to get you out.”
I bit my lip because I wanted to believe what he was saying, because I wanted to think that my family didn’t want to rid themselves of their bad wolf, but I couldn’t. Instead, I just shrugged.
“Ah, it’s something that’s learned, Izzy. We’ll have you figure it out one day.” Cade motioned to the food. “Now, sit and eat your sandwich.”
I sighed. Even if I was hungry, eating anything right now felt ridiculous. “I wish he’d wake up to eat with me. He loves subs. Or that they’d at least let me in to see him.”
“They will soon enough. Now eat. I made it a priority to feed you on that retreat. You’ll have to do it on your own now while you make me wait to be a part of your life for God only knows what reason that is today.”
I grumbled that he might be waiting a long time and then asked, “Why is it a priority that I eat?”
“We can’t give Gerald the satisfaction of you losing your ass, now, can we?”
It was an insult or a joke or maybe a compliment. Either way, he got the first smile pulled from me that day as I listened to him and sat down.