And if I do…
Can I really deny her?
Could I bear for her to actually hate us in the future? Like my mother hated my father?
“Maybe I’m more like him than I want to admit.” I sigh.
“Like who?” she questions.
“My father. I know you know some about him, but he was a bastard, love. A true bastard. He moulded me to be like him, but what if I am? What if all that moulding, all those lessons, made me into the very thing I fucking hate? Kenzo sees it, so do you. I am capable of such destruction, such vile acts, yet I excuse it with the need to save my family. Yet here you are, my prisoner, and I don’t want to let you go. I want you to ourselves, to lock you away in here so no other can ever have you. Just like he did to my mother. Am I doomed to repeat his mistakes?”
She’s quiet for a moment. “Am I doomed to repeat my father’s actions?” she counters. “To be a person so weak and cruel? I don’t know, I could be. But I think the fact we are worried about it shows that we won’t, because we don’t want to be, because we are aware. Yes, you can be cruel, cold, and manipulative. I can be mean, a bitch, and cruel too. But that doesn’t make us them. It makes us, us. Stop fighting who you are, Ryder, stop fearing who you might find if you do. You never know, you might even discover you love yourself.” She pulls away then, and I let her go, because I have to.
I could keep her here with me, but that might kill the part of her I love. The strong, crazy, unpredictable Viper, because that’s what she is—one of us. There is no use denying it, I knew it when I first saw her. Which is why I was so afraid. Because if she is one of us…what happens when she leaves?
I’ve done some evil shit in my life. I’ve stepped on people. I’ve killed them. I’ve destroyed their lives and families and businesses without a blink. My hands are covered in more blood than she could ever imagine. All for them. My family.
So what will I do for her?
Everything.
It comes to me easily. I would do anything. Everything. I would burn this whole fucking city to the ground and find her in the cinders. I would kill, I would steal, I would lie. But what about letting her go?
Can I do that?
To everyone else, we are the villains, we are the evil in this city. Men immersed in power and money. We are the ones they fear, whom they hide away from. Yet she doesn’t, she basks in it. What if I kept her? Here, forever? Would that really be so bad?
I’m turning to grab the pasta cutter when something hits me in the face. Coughing, I swipe away the white powder and spin to see Roxxane laughing, holding a bag of flour in her hand. She smirks at me, the one that makes me want to do bad things to her. One smile, and it pushes away all my demons that are longing to be free.
“Run,” I snap.
She giggles and backs away.
“Run, love,” I warn, as I prowl around the island towards her. Laughing harder, she tries to escape, but I grab her, capture her again, and yank her to me. “You should have run faster,” I murmur in her ear.
“Maybe I wanted to be caught.” She laughs as she wiggles, trying to break free.
Grabbing the eggs from the side, I crack one open right over her hair. She screams and lurches away. Watching it drip down her face, I can’t help but laugh. Her nostrils flare, her eyes narrowed. “Oh, you’re dead. Now it’s your turn to fucking run!”
She grabs the butter on the side and throws it at me. Ducking, I chuckle as I grab some pasta and lob it at her. She screams and chases me with some milk, making me laugh as I swerve and avoid her. She turns to snatch something else, and I wrap my arms around her waist from behind. “Truce,” I cry out with a chuckle as she kicks and laughs.
Stilling, she giggles and leans back into me. I turn her in my arms and grin down at her as I brush away a scraggly strand of egg-covered hair. She smiles up at me, her dark eyes shining with happiness. How did she do that?
She set me free from my demons without even trying. Never has this home had such laughter or happiness. It echoes around these silent, miserable walls, filling it with life. Filling it with her.
Flour covers my face, I have food in my hair and on my clothing, and I’m smiling so large, I don’t remember the last time I kissed her. A desperate, clinging kiss. A goodbye, because I know now. I have to let her go.
Even if she doesn’t come back to us.
Because Roxxane was never meant to be locked away. She is meant to be free, wild, and uncontrolled. Even now, with laughter on our lips and happiness coating her expression, I know she’s pondering if she would really be here if she had a choice.
She’s too strong, too fucking strong for this.
If she chooses this life, I could accept it, but she didn’t, she had no choice, and I have to give her that. Even if it ruins my family.
Even if it means the end of the Vipers.
I have to let her go.
Chapter Thirty-Six
ROXY
I slept in Ryder’s arms again last night, after we had showered of course. At least he stopped working for a little bit, even if the conversation did turn dark. So when I wake up and he’s gone, I’m not surprised to find a note on his pillow.
See you soon. Behave.
Asshole. With a smirk, I slip into one of his shirts and then freeze, recalling our conversation last night. Was he really contemplating letting me go? I don’t know, but if he does…will I leave? I’ve gotten used to living here, and I really do care for them…they make me feel alive, they make me happy, but can happiness, can love, really happen when I had no choice?
I don’t know, but I doubt it will bother them. They made a choice, and they will stick to it. I already decided to stop fighting and just start living, so even though I miss my old life, I push it away.
When I get downstairs, it’s just Diesel and Garrett. I slip into my chair, and Garrett passes me a coffee, our fingers lingering. “So, where’s dumb and dumber?” I smirk.
Garrett snorts, but Diesel doesn’t even look at me. “Going through that list.”
I nod and lean closer to Diesel. “Hey, hot stuff, guess that means it’s you and me again.” I wiggle my eyebrows at him. He grinds his teeth and storms off, leaving me staring after him. “Erm, care to explain?” I ask Garrett.
I turn back to see him watching me sadly before he wipes his face clear of emotion. “It’s nothing, just a bad night, don’t worry about it. So what do you want to do today?”
“Erm, anything,” I answer distractedly, as I look in the direction where Diesel disappeared to. “Is this him angry?”
Garrett actually laughs. “Hell no, you’ll know when you see him angry, baby. He will be okay. Now, today…”
I nod as he talks, but my mind keeps going back to Diesel. What’s wrong with my crazy Viper? And how do I make it right? I never thought I would miss his brand of crazy, but as the morning drags on, I hate it. I want my crazy, batshit Diesel back, so I enlist Garrett’s help. He sets up as I go to find him.
I find him lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Leaping onto it, I crawl up his body and press my face to his. “Your little bird is being naughty, want to help?” I grin.
He blinks, his arms wrapping around me. “Like you need my help,” he mutters, but his voice is off, his blue eyes not as brilliant as usual.