‘The doors to the Priory opened before us, and I saw light and warmth inside.
‘“What will your story be?”’
XIX
ON THIS FIRE
‘I OPENED MY eyes, floating in the dark between dreaming and waking.
‘I sensed her before I saw her – the scent of her hair and the faintest notes of blood, entwined with the gentle perfume of dried herbs from the Infirmary outside. Turning my head, I found her beside my cot, quiet and still in the dark. For the thousandth time, I wondered what this place would be when she left it and me behind.
‘“Astrid,” I whispered.
‘She simply stared, her expression inscrutable; that mask she’d learned to wear as a mistress’s daughter in the Golden Halls. But her eyes were shining, deep and dark as the night above. And I wondered at the mystery of it all – that I’d come to these walls so far from home to meet a girl such as this. A girl I must now say goodbye to.
‘“I should dump that pisspot on your head,” she said.
‘“… What?”
‘“Of all the shit-brained, dropped-as-a-babe, pig-skulled, fucking …”
‘She stood swiftly, biting her lip to halt her tirade. The Infirmary was quiet as tombs, and raised voices would surely bring curious cats. But I could see fury in Astrid’s eyes as she glowered down at me, knuckles white at her sides.
‘“They told me what you did. What you said to that hell-bitch Isabella.”
‘“… I thought you’d be pleased. I’ve ended your exile.”
‘“Nobody asked you to do that, Gabriel!”
‘“Nor should you need to? I know how you feel about San Michon, Astrid. No hell so cruel as powerlessness, remember? You said you’d tear the wings off an angel to fly this cage. Well, now you can leave whenever you want.”
‘Her lips pressed thin, eyes glittering with anger. “Suppose I don’t want to leave?”
‘“But you hate this place.”
‘“And if hate had the steerage of my course, I’d already be gone. But it doesn’t!”
‘“What are you talking about?”
‘She met my eyes and sighed. “Do you truly not know?”
‘I saw the plea in her gaze, and my stomach was lit by the wings of a hundred burning butterflies. I knew what she spoke of. Of course, I did. If I tried, I could still remember the bliss of her mouth on mine, the lonely, empty ache of wanting something I could never have. But I couldn’t have her. Because this was wrong.
‘All of this, wrong.
‘“Astrid … there’s no future for you here. There’s no future in … this.”
‘“You mean us.”
‘“I mean I swore an oath before the Mothermaid and Martyrs and God Himself to love no woman. And if you stayed here, you’d soon be wed to him besides.”
‘“You do love me, then …”
‘I turned away lest she see the answer in my eyes. But she sat on the bed beside me, pressed her hand to my cheek and forced me to look at her. To see her. She was the shadow on my thoughts when I tried to sleep. The fire in my dreams that bid me never wake.
‘“Tell me you do not want me,” she whispered.
‘“Astrid …”
‘“Tell me, and I will leave this place and never think of you again.” A tear spilled down her cheek, caught trembling at the bow of her lips. “But if you do want me, Gabriel de León, then say it. Because only a coward would cherish the wanting of a thing and yet send it away. And I will not give my heart to a coward. I will give it to a lion.”
‘God and Martyrs, she was beautiful. That face shaped like heartbreak, like a secret unshared. Her eyes were darker than all the roads I’d walked and all the monstrous things I’d seen, and in them I knew I’d find a heaven if only I were willing to risk a hell.
‘“Tell me you do not want me.”
‘“I can’t,” I whispered. “God help me, I can’t.”
‘“Then take me, Gabriel.” She lifted her chin, fierce and furious. “Take me, and God and Mothermaid and Martyrs be damned with us both.”
‘And there was nothing left then: no restraint, no law, no vow that could have held me anchored through her storm. I kissed her, hungry and hard, and in that kiss, I knew salvation and damnation. A vow I could truly keep.
‘On this fire, I would burn.
‘And there in the dark of that cell, we stripped each other bare, skin to skin. Her teeth nipped at my lip and her fingers wove through my hair, and she sat astride me and kissed away my every thought and fear. All hope abandoned to the flames between us. My fingertips traced her body, curve and valley, down to the shadow between her legs, the softness that had haunted my dreams. We were silent, the two of us, speaking only with eyes and hands and desperate, whispered breath, the fear of discovery thrilling us both, the glorious, wanton guilt of it somehow making all of it the sweeter.
‘Her lips were flame and frost upon my skin, kissing me in all the places mortal girls feared to tread. I kissed her just the same, sinking between her thighs as she plunged me into her mouth, and the taste of her near drove me mad. We moved slow in the dark, smothering our sighs in each other’s secrets until there was nothing but the inevitable, nothing but the fire awaiting us both. She clawed and she pleaded “Fuck me, fuck me’ and as I slipped into her, slow and deep and hard, there was nothing else in all the world that mattered. No divinity but the want in her eyes. No eternity in hell I wouldn’t have gladly suffered if I could have lived just one more moment of the heaven inside her.
‘We swayed together, her atop me now, the razors of my teeth brushing the satin of her skin, feeling her shiver as she whispered my name. And as the rush took hold, as I felt it singing inside me, she pressed her hands to my cheeks so she might meet my eyes. Desperate. Needing. Lips bruised like cherries.
‘“Bite me,” she breathed.
‘“… What?”
‘“Bite me, Gabriel.”
‘My teeth were sharp against my tongue, and I could see the pulse thudding down the milk-white silk of her throat. I wanted it, God help me, I wanted it so badly it was all I could see, all I could taste. But there was still enough of me left to push it back, away, my breath ragged in my lungs as she swayed atop me, deeper, faster, warm and so impossibly smooth, dancing me ever closer to my brink.
‘“They’ll see,” I whispered. “The mark …”
‘“Here,” she begged, running one hand over her breast. “Please.”
‘There’s no need deeper than to be desired. There’s no sweeter word under heaven than please. And I gave myself over to it utterly. Feeling her shiver as a dark growl rose up in my throat and the hunger took me whole. I seized a fistful of her hair, smiling as I dragged her in. A need on the edge of madness. A want on the edge of violence. And she groaned and pushed herself down onto me, deeper, harder, and my tongue slipped over her pebble-hard nipple and her nails clawed my back as the monster I was sank its fangs into her breast, piercing the white and birthing the red.
‘She crushed us together, back arching, mouth open in a silent scream as the Kiss took hold. Her whole body began shaking, her legs wrapped tighter around me as she lost herself in the fire of it all and her blood – God, that impossible burning life – crashed across my tongue and into the very heart of me.