‘“Better to be a bastard than a fool,” I whispered.
‘The arrow flew true. The flames spread on those bloodstained robes, the undying flesh beyond. I gave the bow back to its owner, took Dior’s hand to draw her away from the sight. But she forced herself to stay, to watch, to breathe the smoke and bear witness to Rafa’s end. And when it was over, when naught but ashes remained, she looked to the folk around her. Every man and woman on those walls, gazing now to her, weighing her in their minds. They knew nothing of what she was, what she could be, only that she and I had brought this peril to their door.
‘Aaron caught my eye, glanced back up the hill.
‘“Perhaps you two had best await us in the keep, brother.”
‘I nodded. “Come along, Dior.”
‘She looked at me as I squeezed her hand, tears for poor Rafa shining in her eyes. And together, we walked through the murmuring crowd, back up to that old ch?teau and whatever safety now lay within. Behind us, the priest’s remains smouldered in the snow, the smoke rising slow towards the sky. But, as always, heaven was silent.
‘And beyond the scent of char and ashes, I caught it then.
‘Just a whisper on the wind that set my heart racing.
‘The scent of death.
‘Death and silverbell.’
XVII
A SHOULDER TO CRY ON
‘“YOUR HEAD IS so far up your arse, that lump in your throat must be your fucking nose.”
‘“You can’t leave, Dior.”
‘“Well, I sure as hell can’t stay, Gabriel!”
‘We were stood in my bedchamber, glowering at each other. A fire was blazing in the hearth, the curtains open to the night outside. Through the window, I could see the chapel in the courtyard where I’d been wed, and beyond, braziers burning on the walls of Aveléne, illuminating the brave souls standing watch. But every now and then, one would cast their gaze up towards the keep, scowling black or muttering to a comrade. I knew the words they spoke. The fear they fought. But I didn’t care.
‘“You leave the shelter of these walls, you’re giving that sonofabitch exactly what he wants. You might as well tie a bow around your throat and deliver yourself to the Forever King!”
‘“I can’t ask these people to die for me, Gabe!”
‘“You’re not asking! Aaron’s commanding! They’re soldiers, that’s what they do!”
‘“They’re not soldiers!” she shouted. “They’re fathers and mothers! Sons and daughters! You heard what Danton will do to them if they stand against him!”
‘“He’s saying that to get inside their heads. The Beast won’t fight a battle when he can have you handed over without him risking his skin! I’ve been killing vampires half my life, and I tell you now, there is no one more afraid of dying than things who live forever!”
‘“Tell that to the people who are going to die on those walls.”
‘“Mighty fucking Redeemer, will you listen to me? You’ve seen the defences Aaron and Baptiste have built. Every single one of those deathless bastards is shitting blood at the thought of hitting these walls. Danton wants you to blink! He wants someone to break!”
‘“And who says someone won’t? You think I matter more to those people than their own children? Who says they’re not gearing up right now to give me over?”
‘“Let them try,” I growled, hand on Ashdrinker’s hilt. “Let them fucking try.”
‘“I am not going to hide up here like a rabbit while strangers risk their lives for me!”
‘“So where will you go, then?” I demanded. “Out into the snow on foot? San Michon is two hundred miles up the Mère, and they’d run you down before you got twenty!”
‘“I don’t know, I didn’t kill these things for a living!”
‘“That’s right, I did! And I say the safest place for you is exactly where you are!”
‘“I won’t have it! Enough blood has been spilled on my account! Saoirse, Chloe, Bel, Rafa.” Her voice broke then, and Dior turned away from me, eyes on the flames. “Sweet Mothermaid … didn’t you see what they d-did to him?”
‘My voice fell, my temper with it. “… Of course I did.”
‘I looked out beyond the window, and saw a pale shadow moving in the dark. The scent of rosewater and silverbell hung in the air with my whisper.
‘“It’s what they do, Dior. They hurt you through the people you care about.”
‘I saw her outside now, waiting for me. Floating, as if submerged beneath black water, arms open wide as she trailed her fingernails across the glass. Pale as moonlight. Cold as death. No breath on the window as she drifted closer.
‘“My lion.”
‘I turned my back, looking instead to the girl by the fire. “I can’t have more blood on my hands, Gabriel,” she declared. “I can’t ask these people to die for me. I won’t.”
‘“This is war, Dior. Peasants starve so soldiers can eat. Soldiers bleed so generals can win. Generals fall so emperors can keep their thrones. It’s the way it’s always been.”
‘“I’m not a soldier, or a general, or an emperor.”
‘“You’re the Holy Grail of San Michon.”
‘“You don’t even believe that! That’s not what this is about, Gabe, and you know it!”
‘“I know you need to grow the fuck up!” I roared. “Because if you are what Chloe believed, this is only the start of it! And it may not be just, it may not be right, but some pieces on the board just count for more than others! It’s no matter how many pawns were lost when the game is done! All that matters is who fucking won!”
‘Dior looked at me hard, firelight gleaming in her eyes.
‘“I’m sure that’s poor solace for the pawn’s wife. Or husband.”
‘She glanced down at the ink on my hands, swallowing hard.
‘“… Or father.”
‘I scowled at that. “What are you—”
‘“I heard you and Aaron talking in the chapel.” She’d stopped her pacing now, standing etched against the dancing firelight. “And I know what Danton was trying to say to you when he found out I was a girl …” She shook her head, tears shining in her eyes. “Oh, Gabriel, you’re not destined to lose another?”
‘“Dead tongues heeded are Dead tongues tasted,” I growled.
‘“You told Aaron they were at home. Astrid and Patience.”
‘“They are.”
‘“Then why would you leave them?”
‘“If you were eavesdropping, you already know.”
‘“You’re going to kill the Forever King.”
‘“That’s right.”
‘“But why? You left this war behind half a lifetime ago.” She clenched her teeth, lips trembling. “I’m sorry, Gabriel. I truly am. But what you’re doing isn’t fair.”
‘“Fair, what’s not f—”
‘“I know why you want to protect me now, when you never gave a damn about me before. I know why you treat me different now you know I’m a girl.” The tears were falling now, streaming down her face as she glanced to the ink below my knuckles. “And I’m sorry, but you can’t ask me to do this. I’m not her. I’m not them. I can’t fill that hole. I never will.”