A flicker of doubt flashes in my mind. I push it away. “Not a chance.”
I pulled a good bull. A mean bull. A bull that makes or breaks the men who take him for a spin. I have the benefit of riding last, which means I’ll know how hard I need to go to get that buckle.
The buckle I already have two of.
I haven’t been able to shake my brother’s words. How much is enough? That’s the question I’ve tossed around for weeks. Turning it over in my mind from every perspective to see if I can answer it.
But I can’t.
I don’t know when it will be enough. All I know is that I still feel incomplete somehow. Like I’m not done just yet—like I’m still looking for something.
“I’m up first.” Theo grins. “Balls to the wall. Right, Boss?”
I smile, but it feels forced. Before that night he got knocked out, I never felt nervous for him. I’ve convinced him he needs to be wearing a helmet. That the buckle bunnies will still want him if he wears a helmet because they prefer the walking, talking version of him to the vegetable version of him.
I nod. “You know it, kid. Hit ‘em with the spurs.”
We clap hands in a firm shake and give each other a smack on the shoulder. Which, for me, really fucking hurts. He turns and leaves the room, heading down the tunnel toward the ring.
Normally, I’d head out to watch him, but I’m not in the right headspace, and I know it. I don’t need to watch other guys get chucked. I need to focus on myself right now. Mental walls up.
I watch them leave one by one, and mostly stay hunched over, elbows propped on my knees, hands dangling between them. My boots are worn, broken in, probably on their last legs. We’re kindred spirits, my boots and me. I let my eyes wander over the sponsor patches on my vest, taking each one in. I’ve worn them with such pride, but today I can’t help but wonder if risking my life to keep them is worth it. It’s a thought that has genuinely never crossed my mind before.
I push it away.
The door opens and the sounds from the show outside filter into the room. The buzz of the crowd. The popping noises of the fireworks. The boom of the announcer’s voice. All so familiar, like the soundtrack to my life.
“You’re up, Eaton.” Theo grins at me from the door.
“Why are you smiling like a serial killer?”
He smiles even bigger. He reminds me of his dad. This place reminds me of his dad. That year we all watched him fall. A shiver races down my spine.
“Emmett didn’t beat my score. It’s you and me, old man.”
One side of my cheek pulls up, and I take in his excitement and enthusiasm. I think I used to be that way too. Now, I’m going through the motions.
“Proud of you.” I slap him on the back on my way past and walk down the darkened tunnel to the glitz and glam of the ring. There are even cheerleaders at this event. It’s all a Vegas show.
I don’t do my stretches because I don’t think they matter tonight. Everything is tight and painful.
Three steps up and I’m at the staging area, pulling my helmet on, watching my bull, Filthy McNasty—a fitting fucking name—trot aggressively down the chute. He snorts and shakes his head, tail flicking against his side like a whip. Agitated.
And for the first time in my eleven-year pro career, I feel it.
Fear.
I push it aside as I climb up onto the fence and stare down at the bull’s broad, muscled back. Two thousand pounds of pure muscle. He rattles the panels as he crashes around.
“Hop on when you’re ready,” one coach says, giving me a thumbs up.
A thumbs up.
This moment doesn’t feel like a thumbs up situation. It feels like I’m about to spend eight seconds in excruciating pain.
I nod and climb down onto the bull, pushing it all away, trying to find that quiet—that calm. I run my hand over the bull rope, letting the bumps vibrate through my hand while watching the repetition of the motion, trying to get lost in it.
But the noise from the crowd picks up, and when I look up at the jumbotron, I see the footage of me leaping on top of an unconscious Theo playing. I haven’t watched it yet, hadn’t ever planned to.
I watch the bull hit me, tossing me into the air before turning back on a clown and leaving the ring. I land on my bad shoulder, and you see me roll over onto my knees, cupping my side.
It could have been so much worse.
That flicker of fear sparks at the back of my mind again. My stomach lurches.
I think about Summer. Good luck.
Shaking my head, I gaze back down and push my glove into the rope, tightening it until it’s just right.
But it’s not right.
A sharp whistle pulls my eye up to the stands. Before Summer, I was oblivious to the crowd, now I feel like I have a radar for her. And some asshole who whistles the same way is killing my concentration.
My eye catches on a flash of white, and the world around me goes fuzzy.
Summer’s here.
She’s wearing a white linen dress and sticks out like a sore fucking thumb.
My sore fucking thumb.
I blink. I blink again. Like she might not be real. Why would she come all the way here to watch me do something she clearly doesn’t think I should do?
Kip told me he fired her, so I know it’s not work.
I stare at her, and I think she stares back. Across the dirt ring. Across the crowd. We lock eyes and get lost in each other.
She offers me a small thumbs up, one that makes my chest ache at the memory of being on the road with her. All I can do is stare back. I’m always fucking staring at her.
I want to spend the rest of my life staring at her.
Then she mouths, I love you.
My jaw clamps down and something snaps inside me. That fear hits me like a tidal wave, and I yank my hand out, reaching for the fencing to pull myself up.
The fame. The buckle. None of it matters. Not one bit. All I want is to hear those words from her lips.
I don’t want to spend my last moments on a bull. I want to spend them hearing her whisper that in my ear.
And then I’m off, swinging a leg over the fence.
“Eaton! What you doing?” one of the coaches calls out to me as I drop onto the landing and toss my helmet, reaching for my favorite brown hat instead.
“I’m done.”
“You’re what?” The guy looks genuinely fucking confused.
“Consider this my retirement notice. I’m out. That bull gets a night off.”
And Theo wins his first world title.
And I live to breathe another day. That part is pretty important too.
I stride through the staging area, heading straight for the door that leads out to the stands. It’s all a guess because I only have a general idea of where Summer is seated.
But I told her I’d keep coming back for her. That I’d never stop. And that’s what I’m going to do.
I turn up a flight of stairs and end up on the busy mezzanine, trying to decide between section 116 and 115. I choose 116, and shoot up those stairs, ignoring the stitch in my ribs as I do. I have tunnel vision, and I’ve overshot the section by one.
But I don’t care. Rather than going back down, I turn down one of the aisles. I see Summer standing, palms pressed against her cheeks, face white as a sheet. Eyes brimming with wetness.
I did that. I want to never make her cry again.