揥e抣l work through it. It抯 probably all better than you realize, as usual. But I get it, and I know you抳e been putting extra pressure on yourself. Fun will probably do you some good.?I don抰 want to brush it off, want her to know her concerns are valid and that I抣l help, while still making sure she allows herself a break tonight. We always work through it, and she always exceeds every expectation, including her own.
搮I am telling you, the barometric pressure in the atmosphere changed when these women all met in a room. It wasn抰 some sloppy girls night or frilly bachelorette party, I抦 saying you could taste violence in the air. They went after it all, hard.?Fee has everyone in stitches talking about the PTA night. 揟hey truly didn抰 give a shit about anyone抯 attention. They were all completely different, with completely different lives, parenting philosophies and struggles. Not all of them were even moms, either. Some were just members of the school administration. And yet, they all needed an escape. I think that抯 the only thing those women had in common, actually.?She peers off to the side with a frown, like it抯 a new fact she抯 absorbing.
揂nd yet I抳e never found anything more relatable,?Kara says, tossing back a shot.
揌ere, here,?Shauna raises her own. 揗y question is, how did you get involved in this night??she asks.
Fee looks my way with a shrug. 揟hey wanted the scoop on Meyer. I go to a lot of Hazel抯 events and such, so they wanted to know what our story was and if he抎 be interested in any of their sisters, or brothers.?
The last time she brought this up comes back to me, along with her explanation to them. Something about telling them she was in an unrequited, bittersweet love?I snort. If only she knew.
I抦 not jaded enough to think that her feelings match the depth of my own, even if I know she抯 interested in a step further than friendship, now. Even if I抳e had a thought or two cross my mind in the past, there抯 never been that hard evidence. And something tells me to stay guarded against thinking she might want more now, outside of this. The umbrella of this whole arrangement is what feels safe, for now?
She jokingly tells them the same thing she told me, but I laugh a little too enthusiastically, this time.
揌ey, let抯 FaceTime Hazel before it gets too late??Fee says to me, and some part of me is grateful that she抯 not the least bit hesitant or awkward where Hazel is concerned, though I抦 struggling to reconcile the dad in me with the guy that is vividly picturing Fee half naked and grinding her hips on my lap, head falling to the side when sensation took over.
揗eyer??
揥hat??
揢h, did you want to call Hazel??
Shit. 揙h?yeah, I would, but Marissa took her to a movie tonight.?
She smiles and shrugs. 揂lright. How抯 her state project going??
I can抰 help but laugh, leaning in to her ear while Kara and Shauna are back at the bar. 揊ee, you抮e in the city, in your twenties, in the prime of your life and career, with two of your idols. And you want to hear about a report on South Dakota??She laughs back as the music gets louder, then slips into ASL.
揑抣l save my voice this way. And yes, I want to hear about Hazel抯 South Dakota, because anything that kid does is funnier and better than any other stupid report on the place.?
I blink when she finishes, shaking my head. 揌ow did we get so lucky with you? Who do I thank for you coming into her life??I sign. They抮e all the words that come to mind.
揧ou can thank a shitty umbrella!?she replies with a laugh.
Something catches the corner of my eye and I turn to see Kara and Shauna staring at us, both sipping the little red straws in their drinks.
揟hat looked very intimate!?Shauna yells across the table, in a decidedly un-intimate way.
揗y nipples feel all tingly!?Kara shouts, the music dying in the latter half of the sentence and drawing the eyes of everyone else in the place.
A voice comes over the sound system, then, 揂lright, ladies and gentlemen! We抳e got a special surprise guest here for you tonight. I need everyone in here to give a warm welcome to Shauna Cooper!?
And the magic begins.
20
NOW
揘obody really knows what they're doing. Some are just better at pretending like they do.?- Kumail Nanjiani
FARLEY
If I抎 have known there was a surprise set tonight, I would have insisted it be mine.
When it抯 time to do something that terrifies you, always, always go first.
I learned this when Marissa and I decided to go skydiving in college. Each step felt more treacherous and scarier as the process progressed, anxiety building at each step. What began with the instructor dipping into a serious tone and making eye contact with everyone, demanding that we all be honest when it came to filling out our weight so that we could be paired with the appropriately sized tandem diver, graduated to a ride in a rickety tin can that masqueraded as a plane. The man whose lap I sat strapped to was an on-brand, terrifying Aussie named Timothy （not to be confused with Tim, Timmer, or Timmy, I was informed） with a curly gray ponytail and zero sense of humor.
The biggest moment of terror （emphasis on error） came when they asked who wanted to go first. Marissa looked over to my horror-stricken expression and volunteered. She and her partner rocked once, twice, and then poof, my friend dissolved into the atmosphere. I actually screamed, over and over, until they calmed me down and told me she was fine, that it was just the velocity that made it look like she evaporated. I eventually sucked it up and went, swallowing back bile and unable to enjoy the experience until halfway down. It wasn抰 until I went again, a year or so later, and was first to jump, that I found it to be the exhilarating thrill that so many claim.
So, as Shauna makes her way out onto the stage, and as people whip out their phones to make calls and take pictures, my anxiety begins to rev up. And it抯 solidified when she absolutely kills it. The room does not stop laughing from start to finish. The jokes manage to be relatable even as she talks about mingling with celebrities. They manage to be moving and eye-opening on issues I抳e been clueless about. She抯 so naturally funny, so creative with her poignant take, and so fucking brilliant.
It makes me suddenly wonder if I抦 on some new messed up game show. Like Punk抎， except they tell you you抳e accomplished a dream before they pop out and tell you they were kidding, you were only nominated for charity, you抮e actually not good enough. Cue laughter cards.
揥ell I think it抯 safe to say that stuff is staying!?she proclaims after dancing her way back to the table.
I try not to do this. This thing where I make everything about me. And, because I like Shauna, because I抳e worshipped her from a fan standpoint and I genuinely enjoy getting to know her as a friend, it is easy to be happy for her success. It抯 also easy to enjoy sharing the same atmosphere of that kind of talent. So I set aside my inner bullshit and focus on those parts.
Plus, I抦 buzzing, between drinks and laughter and the high still lingering from?earlier. Those flashes of Meyer抯 face and hands and thoroughly coming apart above him. Not to mention anticipation of what抯 to come. The rightness, and the relief that rides alongside the longing. Relief that he wants me, too.
I抦 aware that I should be worried about the iceberg of emotion that we are梥o much to still address beneath the surface, but I抦 flat out floating on it for the time being.
揧ou fucking killed it,?I cheer for Shauna.
揂nd now you're totally freaked out, aren抰 you??Kara says with a laugh my way.