As we start the second cycle of compressions, a woman yells in the distance and races up to us.
揙h my god, what happened??
From the horror on her face and the terror in her voice, I assume she抯 the girls?mother. She has a canvas bag in her hands that she drops on the ground as she crouches beside the teenager near us, wrapping an arm around her shaking shoulders.
They were probably having a lovely day, down at the lake梐 picnic and a swim that would tire the little one out before bedtime. The mother probably went to the car to get forgotten towels, maybe a snack梛ust a quick trip. It should抳e been fine. Everything should抳e been all right. And now she抯 here and her whole world hangs on a razor抯 edge.
Life is a bastard sometimes.
揝he slipped out of her tube,?the teenager sobs. 揑 didn抰 see her桰抦 so sorry, Mom.?
The mother covers her mouth with her hand, watching Connor and me work.
揑s she . . . is she gonna be okay??
揂n ambulance is on the way,?I tell her in a level voice. 揑抦 a nurse and this is Dr. Daniels. We抮e doing everything we can to help Serena.?
Because that抯 all the assurance I can give.
We keep going. Mechanically repeating the movements. A police officer arrives on the scene梟ot Connor抯 brother梑ut since he doesn抰 have a defibrillator and we抮e already performing CPR, there抯 not much for him to do but watch.
After the second round of five cycles, I tell Connor, 揌old compressions.?
And I lean down to check for a response.
When I lift up seconds later, I meet his gaze.
揘othing.?
揊uck!?
Frustration slices in his voice and burns in his eyes. Because despite all of Connor抯 knowledge, without the proper equipment and medicine, his options are limited. Restrained.
Like Superman without his powers梙e抯 just human now條ike the rest of us.
揜esuming compressions,?he snaps, and begins a new cycle.
揇o you need to switch??I ask.
揘o. How long??
He抯 asking me how long she抯 been down. I glance at his phone on the ground beside me.
揊ive minutes.?
He bites back another curse.
揥hat抯 EMS抯 ETA??
?11 said seven minutes.?
He nods sharply, focusing his attention on the little girl in front of him.
And then he whispers quiet and low and in time with the compressions.
揅ome on, baby. Come on.?
I don抰 know if he抯 praying or begging or willing the life back into her桰抦 not sure if he even realizes he抯 speaking.
揅ome back, baby, come back. Come on, come on, come on . . . ?
When you work in the emergency department, death is a part of your job. That抯 just how it is. It becomes a part of your day, a part of your life. Sometimes you don抰 even feel it梩here抯 no shock or sadness梬hen it抯 predictable or expected.
And sometimes, even when you know it抯 inevitable, it抯 devastating. It brings you to your knees.
揅ome on, baby, come back.?
And I know right then, if we lose her梚f he loses her, because that抯 how he抣l see it梚t will stay with Connor forever. He won抰 show it, will probably never talk about it . . . but it抣l be there.
This one will hurt him.
揅ome back, come on, baby, come back . . . ?
And like the snap of the universe抯 fingers, like the flip of a switch梚t can happen like that桽erena comes back.
Water sputters from her mouth and she shudders hard with coughing. And then crying.
And crying is amazing. The best sound in the whole world.
Because it means she抯 breathing.
揟here you go.?Connor croons, gentle with relief. 揟hat抯 it, sweetheart.?
Our hands cover each other抯 at her back, lifting her slightly to help clear the fluid from her lungs and turning her to her side. 揙kay, that抯 it. You抮e okay. You抮e okay now . . .?
The sounds of an ambulance siren pierces the air as Serena抯 mother moves closer, reaching for her crying child.
揟hank you! Oh god, thank you so much.?
*
It抯 dark by the time Connor and I make it back to my house. We walked back on the trail together silently, using the flashlights on our phones to light the way, the only sound between us was the deafening chirp of crickets.
I flick on the hall light after we walk through the door, leaving the rest of the house shrouded in black shadow. I lay my keys on the table, beside my forgotten water bottle. It抯 only been a little over an hour that we抳e been gone梑ut it feels longer. Further away, somehow.
And that抯 when I notice my hand is shaking.
And I抦 not the only one who does.
揤iolet??He抯 beside me, his voice steady and deep. 揌ey . . . you okay??
Connor takes my hands and presses them between his palms, rubbing his warmth into them.
揧our hands are freezing. And you抮e trembling.?
揘o, I抦 fine. Really.?I shake my head. 揑t抯 just棓
揧eah, I know.?
It抯 the aftermath. The buildup of stress and adrenaline. We block it out, lock it down, shut it up, but once a crisis has passed, it has to come out somehow.
揅ome here.?
And I抦 pressed against Connor抯 chest, his arms around me, holding me, surrounding me in his scent and warmth. I let myself sink into him, pushing my face against his sternum.
揧our shirt is damp. Do you want me to棓
揟he shirt抯 fine, Vi. I抦 fine.?His hand strokes up and down my spine. 揈verything is okay.?
He speaks in lulling, calming tones梑ecause he gets it. And it抯 so nice to be understood, without needing to say a word. The thrum of his heart beats beneath my cheek, and that抯 comforting too.
揥hat if we weren抰 there??I ask in a small voice.
揥e were.?
揝he抯 just a little girl. It抯 would抳e been so awful if棓
揑 know.?I feel the press of his mouth against the top of my head, the warmth of his breath in my hair. 揑t抯 all right, Violet.?
揥hat if we didn抰 save her??
It抯 normal for fears to follow even after things turn out good. What if I screwed up? What if I forgot what I was supposed to do? What if I forget the next time?
It抯 a part of the process, part of dealing and carrying on. Because there抯 always a next time梐nd you don抰 know when it抯 coming or what it will be梑ut it could be worse. Harder.
And you could fail, you could let down the people who need you when they need you the most.
揥e did save her.?Connor squeezes me tighter. 揝he was laughing with EMS when they pulled away. She抯 going to be fine梜ids bounce back really well梱ou know that.?
I nod, letting his words flow through me, calming me.
揧ou did so good, Violet. We did good together. We make a really good team.?
I smile against him. 揧eah, we do.?
Then I raise my head, looking up. Connor smiles gently down at me.
But then his expression stills, and something shifts in his eyes before they drop down to my mouth. My heart speeds up and my breaths quicken as Connor brings his fingers to my chin, his thumb stroking, tilting my face up to his.
And then he lowers his head and presses his lips to mine.
His mouth is so warm and soft. The pressure of his lips a coaxing, seducing weight that makes me reach up on my toes to press back against him, feel more of him. My arms slide around his neck and his arms wrap around my lower back. Connor angles his head, changing direction梥parking a simmering heat that builds in my pelvis, when the tip of his tongue slides slowly across my lower lip. I open for him, gliding my tongue into his hot mouth at the same time that his slips into mine. The wet, stroking caress is so erotic I moan, and Connor抯 fingers grasp at me, digging into my skin needily. He slants his mouth over mine again and again, our noses brushing until I encase his upper lip, sucking gently.