Our minister speaks wisely and warmly and I am delighted, but I barely listen.
Brian takes my hands and I cannot see anything except his face. He says, I prepared some…and then he squeezes my hands tightly and he begins to cry.
“I love you so much,” he says. “That’s all I can say. I love you so, so much and I will love you every day of my life.”
Then he says, quietly, Your turn.
I say, Middle-aged women are supposed to look for the safe harbor, for the port in the storm of life. We are supposed to look for the calm and the comfortable. You are the port in the storm. And you are the storm. And you are the sea. You are the rocks and the beach and the waves. You are the sunrise and the sunset and all of the light in between.
I think I have more to say but I can’t. We are holding hands, pressed against each other, holding each other up.
I whisper to him, Every day of my life, and he whispers to me, Every day of my life.
For Brian
Acknowledgments
The beginning is Brian Ameche, who loved his life and me, his lucky wife, and was fearless, as always, in the face of the difficult decisions and cruel obstacles that preceded his death.
In my professional life, I am blessed to have Kate Medina, the true gold standard for editors and my own guardian angel, who helped me in every way with the most challenging book of my life. I am equally blessed to have the elegant, encouraging, thoughtful, and tenacious Claudia Ballard as my agent.
For research and assistance, practical, professional, and personal, I am very lucky to have the intelligence, insight, and support of Jon Logan-Rung and Olivia Weinshank.
Drs. Daniel Casper, Mary Jane Minkin, and Debra Nudel provided kindness and support.
Overwhelmed as I so often was, Dr. T. Wayne Downey, my psychotherapist, was not only a rock in a roiling sea, he was able to help me steer and find a version of solid ground. Likewise, the insightful and astute Susie Chang read my cards, offered sensible and sometimes inspired interpretation and observations.
My three readers for this work, three exceptional writers, Bob Bledsoe, Kate Walbert, and the late Richard McCann, made useful and important suggestions, with the deft touches and brilliance that mark their work.
My children and their families made it possible for me, and Brian, to get through this terrible time and to find comfort and beauty in our life and peace in his death. My beloved sister, Ellen, was even better and more supportive than she appears in these pages.
As ever, my assistant and friend, Jennifer, is to assistants as the sun is to the stars.