“And the United States, and the world,” I tell her.
“Dammit.”
And then the screen fills with me.
Back in the study room where I sit on a desk chair:
“What do you think of Scott?” Savannah asks.
I stay complacent. “I find him comparable to a little teenager jimmying the lock of my house.” I stare right at Scott in the room, who’s off screen, hovering over Savannah’s shoulder as she films me. I add, “He’s nothing more than a petty thief, trying to take what’s mine. Is that honest enough for you?”
“And what about Rose?”
“What about Rose?” This is where I said what Scott just did. I called her my perfect match, but it’s edited out completely.
“Do you love her?” Savannah asks.
The abrupt cut makes me look more callous than I am. More inhuman and unfeeling than I ever want to be. I stare off for a long time as I gauge my answer, picking my words carefully. To tell the truth. Or to lie.
“Love is irrelative to some.”
Most people let me stop there. They never make me elaborate.
But Savannah says, “And is it to you?”
I have a couple fingers to my jaw, and I smile, something that looks empty and soulless on screen. “Yes,” I say. “Love holds no meaning in my life.”
The show fades to black with that last line. In the full-length interview, I added, “But Rose is at the epicenter of my world, whether I allow myself to love her or not.”
It was all cut.
And as the large crowd claps and talks amongst themselves about the show, Lo and Ryke turn on me with dark scowls. Rose grabs another champagne glass off a tray and leans back into my chest, unaffected by my words like them.
“So was that the real Connor Cobalt?” Lo asks, his arm around Lily who stares at me with the same furrowed brows. She glances at her sister with more concern. They’re on Rose’s side. As they should be.
“I spoke honestly,” I say. “And that wasn’t the first time I’ve done so.”
“So you’ve never loved anyone?” Lo asks. “Not another girlfriend, not your mom, your dad or a friend?”
He wants to know if I think of him more than just a contact like Patrick Nubell. Am I using Loren Hale for his father’s company, the multi-billion dollar baby product franchise? At first, yes. Now, no.
He’s my real friend. Maybe my first one ever.
But have I loved him the way a friend loves another friend? I don’t think I’m wired that way.
“No,” I say. “I’ve never loved anyone, Lo. I’m sorry.”
Rose points to Lo, her champagne glass pinched between her fingers. “Let it go, Loren. I have.”
“Why,” Lo asks, “because you’re both cold androids?”
Rose shoots him a look that would be harsher if she didn’t drink so much tonight. I need to get her to bed before she passes out. “It’s just how he is. If you even understood half of Connor Cobalt’s beliefs, your head would spin.”
“Rose,” I say, worried she’s going to fracture my relationship with Loren. While he doesn’t know me like she does, I’ve never lied to him. I just haven’t shown him all of me. And that shouldn’t be a bad thing. Some people are naturally private. I am.
She tries to defend me, stepping towards Lo and skillfully staying upright. I hold her by the waist to steady her movements. “No, Connor has done nothing wrong.”
“He doesn’t love you,” Lo sneers. “He’s been with you for over a year, Rose.”
“Lo,” Lily warns.
“No,” Lo says, “she needs to fucking hear this.” He points accusingly at me. “What the hell kind of guy stays with a girl for that amount of time without anything in return? If he’s doesn’t love you, then he’s just waiting to fuck you.”
He pokes at the most vulnerable part of my relationship with Rose. “She doesn’t need your protection,” I say to Lo, trying to keep my voice even-tempered, but Rose wavers uneasily in my arms. “She knows who I am.”
“So you’re okay with that then?” Lo asks her. “He’s going to fuck you, and then he’s going to be out of here. Does that make you feel good, Rose? You’ve waited twenty-three goddamn years to lose it, and you’re going to give it to a guy who can’t even fucking admit that he loves you.”
“I’m not going to admit something that I don’t feel,” I tell him. He opens his mouth, but I cut him off, “Would you like me to sit you down and fill your head with numbers and facts and relativities? You can’t stomach what I have to say because you won’t understand it, and I know that hurts you. But there’s nothing I can do to change the way things are. I am a product of a mother as brick-walled as me, and trust me when I say that you won’t ever see more than I give you. In order to be my friend, that has to be enough, Lo.”
He lets this sink in and then he says, “And what about you, Rose, is that enough for you?”
Lily reaches out and touches her hand.
Rose nods stiffly, and she holds Lily’s hand tighter. “I’m going to go to the bathroom. You guys can meet us at the car.” Lily supports her sister with an arm around her waist as they head through the dispersing crowds.
I watch her, making sure she safely leaves, and then I glance back at Lo. The look he gives me—it asphyxiates me for more than a few seconds.
He stares at me like he yanked off my superhero cape and grounded me to the mortal world.
“I just want you to know,” Lo says, “that I lost some respect for you tonight. And you’re not going to get it back so fucking easily.”
Ryke says nothing. He just wears a haunted, dark expression.
“Sure,” I say. “I understand.”
Lo rubs his lips; his jaw clenches, and he nods to Ryke. They head out to the car without me.
I stay still and try to gather my feelings that tangle in a muted mass.
What kind of person needs a therapist to tell them how they feel?
Am I not as smart as I believe or am I just human?
CHAPTER 19
ROSE CALLOWAY
I can’t come. I’m so, so, so sorry! Just make sure no lilies, okay? And remember that I like your taste better than mom’s. THANK YOU! – Lily
I receive the text as soon as I arrive at the florist to pick out arrangements for the wedding.
Four months and two days – Mom
It’s like the countdown to the Apocalypse.
I text my sister back, telling her it’s fine. At least she didn’t make up a stupid excuse this time. Her “stomachaches” for the past month have been more about her fear to come face to face with our judgmental mother.
Lily went from being ignored by our mom to being told to close her legs. To wear a lighter pink lip gloss （on the rare day she does wear makeup）。 To comb her hair so it doesn’t look tangled in a post-sex haze.
She ridicules. And we both know it’s not out of love, but her obligation to protect the reputation of the family.
I look around the flower shop quickly. Brett follows me today with his steadicam, nimbly keeping out of customers’ way as he films me. I arrived twenty minutes early so I could pick out what I liked and so my mother would have a harder time bulldozing my opinion.