Maybe I need to dedicate my life to looking for my brother, Anton. It’s been years since I last saw him, but I still like to think he’s alive somewhere. That he’s searching for me like I’m searching for him.
Once upon a time, he used to be the only one who told me the truth bluntly. Papa loved me too much to ever scold me. One smile, a kiss, or even an innocent blinking of my eyes is enough to have him completely forgive any mischievous things I’ve done.
Mama gave me lectures, but she also spoiled me rotten, and was part of the reason why I was excruciatingly sheltered.
Anton, however, was the one who told me, “You need to grow the fuck up, Malyshka. Our parents won’t last forever.”
I hated how abrasive he was at the time, but I came back to his words after the safe haven my parents built for me splintered and turned into a pool of blood before my eyes. I had to grow up in no time and I had only myself to rely on.
But now I’m tired. I wish I had Anton. I wish I could find him and tell him I’m sorry for being a spoiled brat.
But that means I’d have to leave.
The thought of losing everything I’ve had with Kirill so far makes my heart bleed. But so does the thought of losing my family.
My purpose.
The reason why I’m pretending to be a different gender.
How does one deal with being torn apart? How do I put myself back together again after forty-eight hours of pure hell?
“Sash.”
I dab at the corner of my eye and turn around to face Maksim, who’s accompanied by Yuri.
The sight of them makes me emotional again. I just want to hug them and cry, but that would just be weird.
Maksim squeezes my shoulder. “You okay?”
I nod. “Boss was the one hurt, not me.”
“We don’t mean physically, Sasha.” Yuri crosses his arms and leans against the tree beside me. “Anyone can see this incident has impacted you both mentally and emotionally.”
A ball constricts my throat, and I have to swallow a few times before I’m able to speak. “I’m okay.”
“Liar, liar.” Maksim slaps me teasingly on the arm. “You don’t have to act so strong.”
“Am I that obvious?” I ask in a small voice.
Maksim winces. “It’s written all over your face. Everyone knows how close you are to Boss, so of course you’d be this affected.”
“What happened?” Yuri asks in a soothing tone.
I shake my head. “Let him tell you.”
“Why can’t you tell us?” Maksim’s brows draw together.
Because you’d hate me and might kill me before Kirill has the chance to.
“Viktor mentioned that Boss was injured because of you,” Yuri continues when I don’t speak. “We know there’s more to it.”
“Yeah! No way would you hurt Boss.” Maksim pulls me to his side by the shoulder. “Everyone knows Viktor is an asshole. Don’t mind him.”
But Viktor is right this time.
Everything happened because of me, and now, I’m in that uncertain phase where I have no clue what will happen next.
Kirill might kill me for all I know.
But I still won’t leave until I find the answers to my family’s death.
And hopefully, to Kirill’s forgiveness. No matter how impossible that seems.
5
KIRILL
Despite my best efforts, I keep slipping in and out of consciousness.
The more I hold on to the sliver of light, the deeper I fall into the pit of darkness.
This situation is no different than playing a game against my body and obviously losing.
It doesn’t matter how strong the brain is. If the body can’t keep up, then it’s a wasted effort.
At times, I contemplate just closing my eyes and never opening them again, but then I remember that I have so much to do, too many places to go, and unfinished business to attend to.
I remember the promise I made to the weaker, younger version of me.
We’ll never be weak again. We’ll be so strong that no one can reach us.
And I’m under the binding obligation to keep that promise and never fall into the pit of hopelessness again.
If you’re low, you’ll be stomped upon and ordered around, but if you’re high…no one will dare look you in the eye.
And I will never, ever stoop so low again.
I don’t know how long it’s taken me, but I manage to open my eyes and not feel the need to fall back into slumber almost immediately.
My surroundings slowly come into blurred focus. The white walls, the smell of antiseptic, and the familiar scent of…lavender?
“Kirill!” My sister’s brittle voice sounds like it’s been plunged underwater.
My ears ring as if I’m stuck in the aftermath of a brutal bombing, but I fight the urge to give up and make myself squint. Karina’s small face comes into view, all messy with tears, a runny nose, and puffed-out lips, probably from all the nibbling she does whenever she’s anxious.
“Can you hear me? Are you okay? Viktor! Call the doctor. He’s woken up again!”
The word again confirms that I was, in fact, slipping in and out of consciousness.How much time did I lose in this extremely inconvenient situation? Worse, how much time will I continue to lose in order to become fully functional again?
Soft hands grip mine as Karina strokes them and stains them with her tears. “I was so worried. I couldn’t sleep and watched you every night and…and…I even…even came all the way here. If you’d died, I would’ve killed you!”
I smile, but the small motion triggers a throbbing pain in my chest. I cough, and that nearly makes me throw my guts up.
Fuck.
I was really hit in the heart, wasn’t I?
“Oh, Kirochka.” Anna takes my other hand, her eyes molten, face sunken as she brushes my hair back with her soft palm. “Do you need anything?”
I do need something, but she’s not the one who can bring it to me, so I shake my head.
She continues stroking my hair and pats my face with tears rimming her eyelids. If anyone was watching this scene, they’d think Anna was my mother. It doesn’t matter that we have a different skin color or that she didn’t actually give birth to me. This woman has given me more affection than my actual mother—who’s probably doing some satanic rituals to pray for my death as we speak.
The doctor comes to check on me and helps me to sit up. He does a few tests and some speech, memory, and mobility exercises. During all the time, Anna, Karina, Viktor, and almost every single one of my guards stack up at the entrance of the room to watch.
The idiots are leaving their positions to be spectators of an utterly boring show.
After the doctor finishes his checkup, he discloses the good news. There’s no permanent damage from the fragments that hit my heart, and I’ve also been recovering during the five days I’ve spent slipping in and out of consciousness.
I shouldn’t strain myself for the upcoming two weeks. I need constant checkups, and no surprise here, the bullet wounds will scar.
My men basically fight over who gets to buy the medication when the doctor writes a prescription until Viktor glares at them and pushes the piece of paper into Yuri’s hand.
As in, the only mature one who didn’t take part in the watching or the fighting. Maksim, who was the first to quarrel, insists on joining Yuri.