I turn my head away. “Salad for breakfast is unnatural.”
She laughs, says, “Grow up,” and shoves the fork into my mouth.
“Hey, Mads,” Shu shouts from the corridor. “It’s the guy who fucked you but didn’t want to date you. Should I get rid of him?”
I run to the door, which happens to be wide open. “Shu, my neighbors.”
“The dickhead’s here,” she says.
“Please, call me Ben.” He tries to smile, but he’d have had better luck with Nia. Shu grimaces. He looks at me. “Oh, your hair is different.”
“Yeah, she’s Black,” says Shu. “Her hair changes all the time. What do you want?”
He winces. “Can we talk, Maddie?”
I think about what Shu said about Ben’s lips and eyes and, suddenly, I can’t quite spot what I found attractive in him to begin with. His face is unnaturally long, even ghoul-like in the wrong light.
“Her name is Madeleine,” Shu tells him. “You’ve been demoted.”
“Shu, it’s okay.” I nod at Ben. We go into the kitchen and he closes the door.
“She’s very scary,” he says. “I didn’t get that impression when you told me about her.”
“She’s only rude to people she doesn’t like.”
He looks sadly at the table, at the unopened boxes and his drying flowers. The ones Penny sent are thriving, their stems in water by the window. “At least you liked the chocolates?”
“Shu did.”
“Oh.”
I fold my arms. “What could you possibly have to say to me, Ben?”
“I know there’s no coming back from this,” he says, “but I have to apologize for—”
“Getting caught?”
He winces again. “I am sorry, Maddie. I care about you so much, you have no idea.”
“Ben, are you here to apologize and leave or apologize and ask for a second chance?”
He looks away. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, obviously.”
“Because we were always short-term, weren’t we?” I ask him. “You and Sophie—that was the end goal.”
“Short-term is … Maddie, I’ve loved spending time with you—”
“Having sex and eating?”
“But we’re very diff—”
“I found sex with you very unpleasant.”
His shoulders sag. “Fuck, Maddie, that’s a low blow.”
“Sorry. Well, no, I’m not sorry, but maybe I could have phrased that better. Sex was very painful for me, and I should have told you, but also, you should have known and maybe you would have if you’d put as much effort into satisfying me as you did sneaking around with Sophie.” I pause before adding, “I also would have liked dinners out and boat rides and I’ve learned you’re a dick for deeming one girl worthy of that and not the other, although it’s pretty obvious what influenced your decision to do so.”
He throws his hands in the air. “Come on, Maddie! Don’t play that card. How can you think that of me?”
“Pretty easily, because if I’m so great and you loved spending time with me, how has this happened? Why are you getting rid of me and not Sophie? She doesn’t even eat pasta, does she? I bet she hates ice cream, too.”
“She has very sensitive teeth.” He quickly realizes how stupid a response that is and begins massaging his forehead.
“Ben, it’s only a ‘card’ to people who think it’s a game.” I lift my chin. “Now, please, get the fuck out of my house.”
He hesitates. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry.”
When he turns to leave, I say, “Did you know I started taking the pill at sixteen because of bad period pain?”
“What?”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about our time together, and when I told you I started taking the pill at sixteen, why did you think that was?”
“I thought what anyone would think, Maddie. I thought…” He doesn’t finish and I nod.
“That’s why you said ‘Gotcha,’ after our first time,” I say. “You thought I was lying about being a virgin.”
He sighs. “Maddie, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
I nod again. “Just leave.”
* * *
“What a dickhead,” Shu says when he’s gone.
“You heard us?”
She shakes her head. “Just stating facts.”
“It is a fact. He’s also a … a complete…”
“Go on, say how you feel,” Nia encourages.
“Such a…”
“Say it with your chest, Mads.”
“Blackguard!”
“What?”
“It means ‘scoundrel,’” I explain. “A dishonorable man.”
Shu rolls her eyes. “In what century?”
Nia steps forward. “Do you want me to stay again?”
“Would you mind? Jo and Cam are back tomorrow, so it’s just for tonight.”
“Of course I don’t mind,” she says.
* * *
I have a dentist appointment in the afternoon which, considering current circumstances, feels ridiculously trivial. When I get the reminder, I think it’s a joke, but it’s not and canceling only hours before will land me with a fee I can’t afford this month.
I’m thinking of what train will get me to the dentist on time when my heart starts beating really fast, nausea blocks my throat and, suddenly, I’m dizzy. I pull my top off to cool down. I end up on all fours breathing heavily. I might pass out. I think I’m going to die. I don’t want Nia to find me dead and topless. What are people going to say about a father and daughter dying within a week of each other? They’ll think we had some kind of pact.
I try to stand, but I’m still shaking, so I stay on all fours for a little longer. My heart is beating so fast—short, hard, endless beats. Sweat drips down my back and my stomach loosens and I have to run to the toilet and as I sit and poo, my breath comes out in shallow puffs.
I can hear Nia on the phone downstairs. “Is that Jem in the corner?” she says. She must be on FaceTime.
“Yeah, he’s come over after his shift.” With her mum.
In the background, Nia’s stepdad says, “Put that down, Zach.” Zach is Nia’s nephew. General family hubbub. They’re planning on having a barbecue since the weather’s been so nice.
I close my eyes and, a few minutes later, I’ve come back to myself.
Was that a panic attack?
I shake my head. I don’t suffer from panic attacks.
I get dressed and wait for the next train.
Shu
A panic attack before the dentist
Are you scared of the dentist?
Maddie
I don’t love the dentist but I’m only getting a checkup. I once went in for root canal surgery and didn’t have a panic attack
Shu
Sometimes panic attacks come for no reason
Or maybe it’s because of your dad
Maddie
I’m sure it’s nothing.
But when did dentist bills get so expensive!
* * *
The next day, Nia says, “Let’s go for a bike ride.”