Mum’s head jerks back and even James tilts his. Like me, they both don’t know where that came from.
“I am so tired of everyone in this family acting the way they do because Maame is always there to pick up the pieces, to sort out your mess, to look after you. You are both supposed to be looking after me! You.” I point at Mum. “With your condescending ‘adages’ and ‘your mother knows these things,’ your nitpicking and nothing I do ever being enough. There is always something else Maame can do for you.”
James claps. “That’s what I’ve been saying! Mum needs to—”
“James, fuck off.”
Subconscious Maddie, like everyone in the room, stands with her mouth gaping open.
“What?” I ask him. “Why do you look so surprised when useless, thy name is James! When have you ever put me first? Huh, when? Exactly! I am the youngest one in this fucking family but no one takes care of me. No one gives a shit! Sometimes I think I could get by just fine without the two of you, but I can’t help but wonder, where would you both be without me? Now that Dad’s no longer here, one day you’re going to find out the answer to that question. One day, sweet, little, dependable, pushover, spineless, pathetic Maddie is going to leave you two to pick each other apart!”
“Maame, you must—”
“I said, don’t call me Maame!”
We all stare at each other for a time.
I wipe the spit from my chin and ignore the sweat under my nose and running down my back. My throat is dry and a headache is building at my temples. Subconscious Maddie is sat in the corner crying. I walk toward the door but turn back only to say, “My name is Maddie.”
* * *
And this new Maddie feels great. I mean, really great. She’s cool, audacious, and carefree. She’s finally everything she’s always wanted to be.
After leaving the house, I sent an email to Kris telling her I felt sick after counseling, and went straight home. Whatever. Then I got back to the flat and made myself comfortable in the living room. Threw my feet up on the sofa and turned the TV on. When Jo walked in hours later, she stopped short and said, “Oh.” I looked her in the eyes with raised brows and said: “Everything okay?” She gave me a tight smile, nodded, and went straight to her room. I ordered a takeaway, ignored the calls from Mum and James until my phone’s battery died, and fell asleep on the sofa.
Yes, the new Maddie felt great, but it’s a shame she didn’t bother to stay for very long.
I wake up at 8:00 A.M. feeling sick, foggy, and anxious.
How will I convincingly lie at work today?
Please, you’re a pro now.
What am I going to say when I finally do have to talk to Mum?
Cross that bridge when you get to it.
Did I really swear so many times?
Yes, yes, you fucking did.
Chapter Thirty-five
Two hours into work, I realize I should have taken today off too.
I’m monosyllabic and on the verge of tears all day. Everyone gives me the look, the one where they glance my way, then at someone else, before nodding in my direction. I ignore them all because I don’t want to be called into Penny’s office. Thankfully, her day is too full of meetings for her to pay any attention to me.
I work through lunch and leave at four. Only outside does it feel like I can finally breathe and the relief has me burst into tears on the street. People walk by, throwing me looks but continuing with their day. I understand. They might have plans, which talking to me might delay.
I walk back into the OTP building to use the toilet and wipe my face.
Alex
Still on to meet at 6?
I really miss the new Maddie but I don’t have time to lament her recent departure. It was already time for me to be someone else, time to be yet another Maddie. Alex’s Maddie.
* * *
I’m so glad to see Alex that when I spot him exiting the station, I run up and hug him. So quickly has he become my safety net, my break.
“You know what, Maddie?” he says into my neck. “I’ve missed you, too.”
The plan is to walk through the park to his flat and watch a film. He asks me about my day and I make it up with ease, with pleasure.
I should google if lying to this degree is a skill performed deftly only by the criminally insane. My lies are stretching so far from the truth I can no longer see them. I shiver at the thought of my current family affairs.
No, that didn’t happen in this world. Alex’s Maddie simply came home from work last night, had dinner with her flatmates, and went to bed.
As he tells me about his day, Subconscious Maddie sits, looking far from impressed. She folds her arms and pushes the twisted braids from her eyes. He thinks Dad is alive!
I ignore her and she adds, Ben lied to you. How did that make you feel?
I lose my footing, tripping over loose rocks. Alex reaches out in time to grab my hand. “You okay?”
I nod, wiping my forehead before looking at him. He’s smiling, using one hand to shield his eyes from the evening sun whilst the other still holds on to mine. What if I did tell him? Just came out and said it. I lied about going to a barbecue. My best friend’s name is Nia, not Emma. Our dads aren’t best friends. Our dads are dead. Hers died ten years ago, mine just under a month ago. I’m so, so sorry I lied.
There’s no way he’d stay; honestly, I’d judge him if he did, because it’s a crazy thing to lie about. But to lose Alex now would be unbearable. I’d have nothing but grief left. We’re not serious; I know this won’t last, but I need him to stick around until the days don’t seem as long, until the funeral’s over and I’m better, more stable in this new reality of mine.
So you’re using him? No!
Like Ben used you? Shut up!
What happens to Alex and fantasy Maddie when you’re “better”？
“Ouch—Maddie?”
I look up at Alex. “What?”
He holds up our hands. “Tight grip,” he says. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Sorry!” I let go of his hand.
Subconscious Maddie looks smug, and I internally remind her she’s meant to be on my side.
I am on the side of truth!
I look at Alex again and smile hard. “I’m fine, just a little clumsy.”
* * *
But my thoughts follow me through the park and up to his flat.
It’s halfway through the film when Alex kisses me. I know where he wants things to go and for one brief, inexcusable moment, I tell myself sex will make up for my lies. It has to because I need him. I need a pause from my life and the emotional turmoil determined to come with it. I get that respite when I’m not being me. I get that respite with Alex.
My cardigan comes off and goose bumps cover my skin. It’s okay. I like Alex. I like him a lot. He’s kind and thoughtful and easy. That’s why you’re having sex with him. That is the only reason why. But I can’t connect his lips to my skin. I stare at his living room ceiling and think maybe I’m not a fan of foreplay.
“Is this okay?” he asks, positioning himself above me.
I nod and he doesn’t read my mind. When he enters me, it’s less painful than it was with Ben, but it isn’t comfortable; I shift under him because I feel like he’s in the wrong place, even though he can’t be. I accept what it is, but no matter how closely I hold him, if I shut my eyes it feels like we’re miles apart. The inability to connect, the stifling, undeniable dissociation with first my mind and body, and then my body and his, somehow feels worse than the acute physical pain I experienced with Ben. That I at least managed to place; it was temporary, and promised the gift of relief if I gave it a few hours. With Alex, the sofa’s cushion rubs and pulls at my back. I feel my body is being used, but I can’t understand why when this is something I told myself I wanted.