Shock—denial—depression—shock again—anger—did I skip bargaining and is it too late to start?—depression—acceptance—depression
Chapter Thirty-eight
Twenty minutes in, Angelina says, “I’d like to refer back to our previous session and discuss two things in particular. Your need to end conversations with ‘I love you’ and the name Maame. Which would you like to discuss first?”
I pick the first option, though I’m uncertain what more there is to say.
“We agreed,” Angelina begins, “that a part of navigating life has to do with navigating people and their isms. We didn’t dig very deep, but we briefly discussed your parents and how you were sure they loved you even though they failed to verbally express it.”
“Yes.”
“So, Maddie, would you say you’re well-loved?”
“That’s an odd way to phrase it.”
“But you understand what I mean?” she says. “One of my first observations was your obvious need to be loved. Your craving of it is reflected in your tendency to people-please, even at the cost of your mental health. Would you agree?”
“It’s difficult not to.”
“Even contributing to your depression?”
Although there’s still so much left for me to unpack regarding my relationship with depression, I nod.
“Good. I ask if you think you’re well-loved because it’s easy to conflate being well-liked with being well-loved. There’s often a misconception that to be well-loved, the love has to come from multiple sources, when truthfully, one or two people can love you with the strength of ten. Do you have people in your life who love you with the strength of many?”
I immediately think of Nia and Shu. I think of how Nia has never directed one inch of resentment toward me for not being the kind of friend she’s been to me when her dad died. How she can move to America and return as if she’s been gone only for days instead of a year. How at the beginning she said she’d do anything for me and has wordlessly proved she meant it.
I think of Shu coming over with shit for my sadness in the middle of a weekday. She rarely takes time off work. She could have waited for the evening or the weekend but instead came as soon as she heard. Did she walk straight out of work? I remember how she came over with Nia when I found out about Ben and Sophie. What had she been doing before I called her? What had they each dropped last minute for me? Shu didn’t have to talk to me in that lecture hall all those years ago just because she saw me on my own. And the time she answered her phone when I called to ask why she was a lesbian, even though I know she never touches her phone during office hours. Yet I subconsciously knew she would see my name flash on her screen and pick up.
“Yes,” I answer quietly. “Yes, I’m very well-loved.”
“Good. It will serve you well to remember this, especially at times when certain sources of love fail to deliver.” Then Angelina says, “Maddie, at the beginning of this session we spoke about your father’s funeral, your feelings during and after; we spoke about your family, immediate and extended. You said you’d never felt closer to your culture and who you are—and more importantly, who you want to be going forward. How do you feel about the name Maame now?”
I’m about to say nothing has changed, but that would be a lie. “It’s complicated.”
“Try your best to make it simple. Say your thoughts aloud if that helps you.”
I take a breath. “Before, I said I hated it, but I don’t think I do. I like the name. It can feel heavy and it won’t be what I call my children if I choose to have any, but it’s really a term of endearment. Well, it’s meant to be, so maybe what I didn’t like was how my family turned it into an excuse. The name Maame put a lot of pressure on me, but it also made my dad feel safe when he must have felt trapped and uncertain. It made my mum’s life a little easier and, ultimately, it taught my brother a lesson. It made me someone I needed to be so I could find out who I want to be.” I smile at Angelina. “I suppose I owe Maame a great deal.”
Angelina smiles so wide I notice her dimples for the first time. “That’s a wonderful way to look at it, Maddie.”
* * *
Nia
So I’m on the hunt for a nice place to live. Any chance you are too?
Maddie
Yes please!
Chapter Thirty-nine
From: [email protected]
Subject: Carrow Books Mentorship Program
Dear Maddie Wright,
Thanks for submitting to the Carrow Books Mentorship Program. Your sample has been read and I am sorry to say that we won’t be taking it forward. We wish you the very best with your writing in the future.
Sincerely,
Carrow Books
I’d forgotten all about the rough draft I submitted, which makes the rejection no real loss. I put my phone away and pause beneath the office’s spiral staircase when I hear Penny and Kris walking up.
“I think Maddie should be more involved with Love Stories than she currently is,” Kris says. “She did bring us Afra and picked out great photographers—we’re even contacting two of her choices. She’s been on top of her admin since she started and is full of ideas for an assistant. I did tell you the concept of Flavor Pairings and the play on the word ‘pair’ were her ideas, didn’t I?”
What?
“You did, and I know,” Penny says. “I am impressed, but we were drowning in general admin before her, and we can’t afford to split her focus now.”
“We should give her the opportunity to do both.”
“She’s just lost her father,” Penny says. “Let’s not overwhelm her.”
The door closes behind them, but I stay where I am. So it wasn’t Kris “stealing” my ideas, it was Penny refusing to acknowledge they were mine. Why would she do that? Was that person from the internet right? Is it to keep me as an assistant for longer, rather than pay for my promotion and replacement? Should I confront her?
You can’t confront your boss and accuse her of stealing.
I briefly close my eyes and accept that I don’t have the energy to fight the （wo）man today.
My phone buzzes again.
Unknown number
Hi Maddie!
I’m not sure if you remember me but it’s Emma here. I got your number off Jo she thinks I’m asking you for publishing tips so if she asks play along! I don’t know if you and Cam know but it’s Jo’s birthday on Sunday and I want to throw her a surprise party at your place in the garden. Can you both help? xx
Emma has been to the house a few times with her boyfriend, Tinka. I remember her from her very short, blond bob and freckle-splattered cheeks.
I’m about to type out an excuse to get out of it when I think, maybe this is how I make amends for blaming Dad’s death on Jo. Even though I don’t plan to stay for much longer, I am rather tired of going to work and coming home only to go straight to my room when she’s in the kitchen or in front of the TV. I did apologize but clearly that wasn’t enough. Maybe this action will speak louder than my words.
People pleasing?
Maybe, but baby steps.
I check in with Cam before responding.