I roll my eyes.
Cute.
“You’re going to be the best dad.” She smiles with her eyes closed. “This baby is so lucky.” She runs her fingers through my hair as I mentally go through what else I need to do today.
“Are you having an affair with a snake?” I ask.
“What?” Her eyes open in surprise.
“The singlets you bought are not human, they’re for a baby snake.”
She bursts out laughing. “They are long so you can tuck them in, you idiot.”
“Oh.” I smirk. “That makes more sense.”
“What are you doing?” Patrick calls. “Muffy, no.”
“What’s happening in there?” I yell.
“Muff is sitting in the nappy bag.”
I fly out of bed like a maniac. “If that cat pisses in the nappy bag it is genuinely meeting its maker.”
I change into the robe and put the hairnet on. I put the medical booties on over my shoes and wash my hands.
I’m sick with nerves.
Claire is being prepped for surgery. Because she has had what they call three unsuccessful natural births in the past she is having a scheduled C-section.
“Are you ready, Mr. Miles?” the nurse asks me.
“Yes.”
Thump.
Thump.
Thump goes my heart.
“This way, please.”
I follow the nurse into the operating theater and see Claire all gowned up with a hairnet on. She smiles over at me. “Hey you.”
“Hi.” I feel faint.
A screen is up between her and her stomach, the sound of two heartbeats echoes through the room and my heart twists. A huge light hangs above the operating table.
This is full on.
“You can sit here.” The nurse pulls me up a chair beside the bed and I sit down and take Claire’s hand in mine. “Oh my god, are you okay?” I whisper as I kiss her forehead. “Are you okay?”
She smiles and nods. “It’s fine, babe, calm down. It’s going to be fine.”
Such a Claire thing to say, always worrying about everyone else but herself.
“Hello, Tristan. Let’s deliver your baby, shall we?” the doctor says casually as if he does this every day.
I mean, he probably does but whatever.
“Sounds good.” I keep my eyes focused on Claire and in my peripheral vision I can see the doctor and nurses moving. Claire’s body jiggles around a little and I screw up my face and kiss her temple. “I love you,” I whisper.
Her body moves around some more as if they are moving her and she has no control and I feel like I can’t breathe.
My god.
I cling to Claire’s hand so tightly, please be okay.
Please be okay.
If something were to happen to her…
Her body moves quite violently and she closes her eyes as if in pain.
“Did that hurt?” I stammer.
“No. Just a weird sensation.” She smiles up at me. “I’m okay.”
I nod nervously and my eyes flick over to the doctors, what’s taking so long?
Her body moves again and the curtain is dropped in time to see them lift the baby out of her stomach. It’s covered in white stuff and chubby and big. It cries out loud and Claire laughs. “It’s a little girl.” The doctor smiles.
A girl.
My eyes widen.
A girl.
They lift the baby to lie on Claire’s chest and Claire kisses her forehead. “Happy birthday, sweetheart,” she whispers.
Their silhouette blurs.
“Tristan,” Claire whispers though tears. “Look at her.”
I kiss the baby’s tiny head and then Claire’s as I hold them tight.
The tears won’t stop and I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands. “I love you. So much.” I hold Claire close as we both stare at the perfect little girl. “I love you too, baby.”
The nurse comes over. “We need to check the baby’s vitals over now.”
She goes to take the baby and Claire’s eyes flick to me. “Go with her.”
“What?”
“You stay with the baby, do not take your eyes off her for a second.”
“What about you?” My eyes flick to the doctor.
“We will be stitching here for a while; Claire will meet the two of you back at the room,” the doctor says.
What?
I want us all to stay together, I don’t want to leave Claire here alone.
No.
The nurse wraps the baby and Claire’s eyes flick to me once more. “Go with her, Tristan, don’t leave her alone.”
My eyes flick between Claire and the baby…
“She needs you,” Claire whispers.
Hearing those words wakes something up in me, something I’ve never experienced before.
“Okay.” On autopilot, I stand, and with my heart in my throat I follow the nurse out of the operating theater. I glance back to my love lying alone on the operating table and for the first time in my life I get it.
Being a parent is putting your baby before yourself…every time in every circumstance.
We walk through to another room and I watch on silently as the baby is weighed, her little wristband is put on. They do a heel-prick test and she screams loudly.
“She didn’t like that, listen to those strong lungs.” The nurse laughs.
I smile through tears, she’s feisty like her mom.
The nurse wipes her face and dresses her and then wraps her up tightly in a pink bunny blanket, she puts her into a crib on wheels. “Let’s take you to the room.”
I follow the nurse down the corridor as I have some kind of out-of-body moment.
Everything is so casual, as if this is just any normal day.
But it’s not just any day.
A perfect little soul has just entered the world, it’s monumental.
We get to Claire’s room and I look around, it’s not right that she isn’t here yet. That the boys aren’t here yet.
“You can hold her while you wait for Claire.”
I stare at her wide eyed, I don’t know if I’m in shock or what?
“Sit in the chair and I’ll pass her to you.”
“Okay.” I fall into the recliner in the corner and the nurse picks up the baby and passes her to me.
Oh…
I stare at her perfect little face as she stares up at me.
“Hi,” I whisper. “You’re so pretty.”
She has dark hair like me, long eyelashes, and rosy lips.
So perfect.
I run my finger down her face and try and memorize this moment in time. Take every single second on the record because I know that as long as I live that I never want to forget this feeling.
She reaches up and grabs my finger, my heart stops, and my eyes well with tears anew. This is a real living little person, with her own heart and mind.
A piece of me and Claire.
Oh my god.
I hear clattering coming down the corridor outside and I hear Claire’s laugh.
She’s here.
I stand and with our bundled-up tiny baby in my arms I wait for my wife. Claire comes into view and the tears start again.
My god, stop it.
Claire laughs when she sees me. “Here they are. My two babies.”
They wheel Claire in and check all of her vitals as we both stand in the corner and wait patiently. She’s hooked up to blood-pressure machines.