I screw up my face even more, the snot is running down my face. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’ll be out in a moment.” I wipe my eyes. “I’ll meet you back out there.”
“Let me in.”
“I’m fine, Em.”
“Open the fucking door.”
I open the door to see Emily, Claire and Hayden, and I want the earth to swallow me up. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, the tears starting again.
Claire pulls me into a hug. “I’m so sorry, sweetie, I didn’t realize.”
“I don’t want to be this person.” I whisper, embarrassed.
“You have every right to be upset,” Claire comforts me. “Howl to the moon.”
I smile, grateful for her kindness. “I’ve ruined everything.”
“No you haven’t.”
Emily passes me tissues and I wipe my eyes. “God, I’m an idiot making this about me, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be silly, we’re family.” Emily puts her arm around me. “We’ve got you; your heartache is our heartache.”
The tears well again. “Don’t be nice to me.” I laugh. “It makes me psychotic.”
We all laugh and eventually we make our way back to the table.
Everyone is silent, unsure to what to say.
“Sorry.” I sit down, mortified, “My behavior is inexcusable.”
Elliot puts his arm around me and kisses my temple as he pulls me close.
“So as you already know,” I say as I look around the table, “Elliot and I have been struggling with fertility for a long time, it’s not working and we’ve finally accepted that we are unable to have a baby.”
The table sits still as they listen.
“As of this week we’ve officially stopped trying. There will be no children for us and it’s been hard to come to that decision. It’s new and it’s raw and I really am so happy for you guys.” I smile through tears.
Elliot rolls his lips as he stares at the table, unable to make eye contact with anyone.
The table falls silent, unsure what to say.
“I’m so sorry, guys,” Jameson whispers.
“We’re going to get going.” Elliot stands, unable to have this conversation. “Sorry to be on a downer.” He shakes Tristan’s hand. “Happy for you, buddy.” He kisses Claire. “Congrats.”
“I’m sorry for ruining the night,” I say, embarrassed. “I promise I’ll get my shit together and be better company next time.”
“You have not ruined the night,” Claire gasps.
To the loud goodbyes, Elliot puts his arm around me and we leave and make our way out of the restaurant. And, for the first time, we fall apart together.
The suns heat dances across my skin.
From my place on the deckchair I look out over the sea, my eyes roam across the beautiful surroundings and then over to my sleeping man.
Elliot and I are in Capri, Italy.
Staying in the most beautiful waterfront villa, heaven on earth.
He organized this trip for us last month to either be celebrating or drying our tears.
Although, I’m not sure if they’re dry yet, maybe they never will.
If I’m honest, it's kind of just sinking in.
It seems so crazy that all of our energy over the last three years has been focused on getting pregnant, somehow in amongst it, we kind of forgot how to just be us.
But it feels like we’ve turned the corner.
Our love for each other is stronger than ever and our life might not be perfect.
But it’s ours.
We’re in this together and it’s going to be okay.
And Elliot’s right, we don’t need a child to complete us. I mean, it would have been nice but we can’t lose ourselves in the search of something else.
He’s still Elliot Miles and I’m still Kate Miles, we’re still happily married.
Still smart asses, still hot as fuck for each other and damn it, I’m not going to waste one more minute forgetting who I am and what I have in this life.
Because I have him, and he is everything.
Elliot rolls onto his side and runs his hand up my thigh, “Want a Margarita babe?”
“Yeah.” I smile, “Why not? Make it two.”
Five months later.
I put the finishing touches on the chicken. “El,” I call. “Can you get the wine from the cellar?”
“Already got it.”
I carry the chicken out and proudly place it in the middle of the dining table.
“This looks frigging incredible.” Emily smiles as she looks around the table.
She and Jameson and the kids have come to stay with us for the week, we have had so many laughs.
The kids ate earlier and are watching a movie in the living room.
Jameson pours us four glasses of wine and we all sit at the table and begin to serve out our meals.
“So… There’s something we wanted to talk to you about,” Jameson says casually as he dishes out his chicken, he seems distracted and keeps loading it onto his plate.
“Don’t eat all the fucking chicken.” Elliot snatches the tongs from him.
“We were thinking…” His voice trails off, causing Elliot and me to look up at him.
“Did it hurt?” Elliot mutters dryly. “Spit it out.”
“We want Emily to be your surrogate.”
My knife and fork hit the plate with a clang. “What?”
“I’ve had four kids; we are finished. My uterus can hold a pregnancy and I have easy labors,” Emily says. “I can do this for you guys. Let us do this for you.”
The earth spins beneath me.
Elliot stares at her, shocked to his core.
“I couldn’t…”
“Yes you could.” Jameson cuts me off. “I know if the shoe was on the other foot, you would do it for us.”
We stay silent, unsure what to say.
“We all know that we couldn’t trust a stranger to be a surrogate, it’s too risky,” Jameson continues. “Let us do this for you.”
Elliot’s eyes search his.
“Your embryo implanted into Emily’s uterus; it will be your child.”
“I’ll just be the oven.” Emily smiles as she takes my hand over the table. “We can do this, guys, it’s at least worth a try.”
Tears well in my eyes. “This is the most selfless act of love I’ve ever heard of. Thank you so much for the offer…but…”
“It’s worth a shot.” Elliot cuts me off. “Kate…let’s think on it before you dismiss it.” He smiles softly at me over the table and for the first time in a long time.
Hope has returned.
Elliot
The phone rings on my nightstand and I wake with a start, I glance at the clock: 2am.
Fuck.
I scramble to answer it, “Hey.”
Jameson’s deep voice sounds down the phone, “She’s in labor.”
My heart drops, “Is she okay?”
Kate sits up with a start, “What’s happening?” She mouths.
“Yeah, she’s a pro at this.” Jameson replies. “Been going for about an hour, she’s ready to go to the hospital. I’ve called ahead, they are expecting us.”