Without my permission, my mind wanders to Carter. Beyond being my captain, he’s one of my best friends. He took me in the moment I stepped off that plane all those years ago, when I had nobody. He invited me into his home, his life beyond hockey, and he did it without a second thought.
It was fun at first, the secrecy, the sneaking around, when the plan was always for this to be temporary. But now, as I stare down at her face, noting the way every tiny line has faded with the peace sleep brings her, I know Jennie’s someone I’m not willing to live without.
The longer we hide this from Carter, the worse the outcome will be. The lies are getting harder to swallow, making my stomach churn and ache as my feelings for Jennie only grow impossibly deeper.
Beyond that, I’m tired of not being able to talk about her like she isn’t the very best and brightest thing in my world. I’m tired of the short-lived moments, the lingering glances across crowded rooms, the forced distance and detachment.
Spending time with Jennie is like a Sunday you don’t want to ever end. Every moment leading up to it is perfect, a weekend that goes by way too fast. Sunday comes sooner than you want it to, and you hold on to every fleeting moment, every single minute, not ready to put it down, to say good-bye. You think if you just don’t close your eyes, you won’t have to.
But then nighttime comes along, the good-bye inevitable, and you wake up on Monday morning alone, ready to start another tedious week. You tuck your weekend away and become the person you don’t really want to be, pretending you aren’t managing to get by without the person who matters most, the one that makes everything easier, just waiting for the weekend all over again, when you can finally be together.
I don’t want to wait anymore, and I’m tired of hiding.
CHAPTER 38
BUBBLE-WRAPPED
JENNIE
I love this bubble.
Everything about it is warm and bright. I’m constantly basking in sunshine, wrapped in strong arms, pulled back against a solid chest, a steady stream of “I love you” whispered in my ear.
Worry doesn’t live here. There’s no place for fears or insecurities. Those things only exist outside the bubble, where we’re forced to pretend there isn’t an us, that we aren’t two halves of an incredible whole.
This is my favorite place to be, right next to this man, surrounded by his love, his support, the way he constantly lifts me up.
I smooth my palm over his bare chest, feeling the heat of his skin, the gentle thrum of the heart that beats below. I wonder if he knows that I radiate happiness because he gave me the space to shine.
My lips touch his collarbone, and the body below me hums and comes to life, hugging me to his chest with one muscular arm while the other shoots up over his head with a stretch, long legs flexing.
“You’re such a fuckin’ bed hog,” Garrett grumbles, right before I’m on my back, flattened by the weight of his body sprawled on mine.
His lids flutter, sleepy turquoise eyes peering down at me. The corner of his mouth lifts as he shifts, straddling my hips, fingers circling my wrists as he pins them on either side of my head.
“My bed,” he murmurs, kissing my shoulder. “My Jennie.” His lips move up my neck, my chin, until he’s hovering above me, shaggy golden hair a mess. A grin blossoms on his face, so warm and inviting, intoxicating. “My fucking sunshine.” His mouth covers mine, tongue sweeping inside as he releases my wrists to thread our fingers together, to light a fire of desire inside me as he skims my side.
Garrett grips my waist as he grinds down on me. I wind my legs around him and moan, hips lifting, silently begging, and I swallow his sigh as he sinks inside.
“How many times is too many?”
I gasp as he hikes my leg up, plunging deeper. “To have sex?”
“To tell you I love you.”
“I like hearing it. No one’s ever loved me the way you love me, and I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you.”
He smiles down at me before resting his forehead on mine. As we move together, both of us taking and giving, when I come with him inside me and he follows me, I don’t know where I end and he begins. We’re just one; one body, one love, one heart.
“Are you excited for tonight?” he asks as I pull on a pair of panties and my sleep romper, the one he got me for Christmas with angel scrawled across the ass, finishing with a pair of his thick, woolly socks.
I crawl back onto the bed, sitting cross-legged. “Yes and no. I hate having to pretend we’re only friends.”
It’s been like this for two weeks now, this on and off where I’m in a relationship one moment and single the next, having to hide every time we’re around our friends. The glances from the people who know make it harder, but it’s the person who doesn’t know that makes it impossibly terrifying. Tonight will be no different, but still, I’m glad to have friends to spend my time with, to be enjoying a night out with them. Though I wish I was allowed to dance with my boyfriend.
Garrett picks up my hand, laying my palm up. He traces all the lines, the length of my fingers, and his throat bobs before he peeks up at me. “I want to tell Carter.”
I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. He’s been a ball of angst lately where Carter’s involved.
It’s taking a toll on him, though Garrett hasn’t outwardly admitted it, other than saying he wishes he could have his hands on me all the time. Most of the time he finds a way, whether it’s skimming my lower back as he moves past me, his pinky tucked around mine if we’re lucky enough to sit next to each other on a couch or at a table. If we’re especially lucky, I get a full-hand ass grab.
But what started out as fun and a simple lie has turned into a full-blown secret relationship behind my brother’s back, one of Garrett’s best friends. Carter might be self-absorbed, but his family and friends are his world, and lying to him for so long feels like the ultimate betrayal. He’s my forever best friend, my protector, the shoulder that’s always been there every time I needed one. That I’ve been lying to him for so long might break his heart, and I’m ashamed to be the reason behind it.
“I don’t like lying to him anymore, Jennie. Not when I don’t see an end in sight for us.”
My heart pitter-patters. “You don’t?”
“I really don’t, sunshine.”
“Oh good.” My body sags with relief. “Neither do I, but I don’t know how these things go.”
“Would you be up for telling him tomorrow morning? Together? Maybe if we ask him and Olivia to come over for breakfast. Or, you ask him, so he doesn’t have a heart attack before he even gets here.” His laugh is forced and anxious, and he rubs at his chest with a grimace.
I squeeze his hand. “You’re nervous.”
In his anxious gaze, I see the unrelenting compassion that swims in it, all his soft, gentle bits that make him who he is, the man I love.
“I’m worried he won’t think I’m good enough for you.”
“You are so good for me, Garrett. But more than that, we’re good for each other. You’ve helped me overcome things in a few months that I haven’t been able to get over in several years. I think in the end that’ll be what matters to Carter.”