Fiery hot blood rushes to my face, drumming in my ears. I crush the cookie in my hand as my fists clench, bile rising in my throat. The chatter in the cafeteria grows muddled and muted, like I’m underwater. Without another thought, I toss the cookie at Nate’s chest, my drink in the garbage, and hoof it out of there.
It would be just my luck that Krissy and A? have caught it all.
“Yikes.” Krissy grimaces. “That was tough to watch. Must be hard being the second-string Beckett sibling.” She rubs my shoulder like she cares about me. “You okay?”
“Fine,” I lie.
“Rejection must be hard.”
Pressing my fingers to my forehead, I close my eyes to the impending headache. I’m not in the mood to entertain Krissy’s shit. I’m hovering on the goddamn edge, not sure if I want to cry, scream, or be sick. Truthfully, the only appealing idea is letting Garrett make me forget all about this, remind me why this—no strings, no feelings, just pleasure—is better.
“We missed you last weekend,” Krissy continues. “Shopping, dinner, drinks, dancing…It was weird having all the dance girls there except you.”
“You didn’t invite me.”
“Didn’t I? Shit, I must’ve forgotten.”
I turn toward the door, ignoring the pang of hurt that sweeps through me. It may not make sense, but that doesn’t make it any easier to ignore that it’s always been there.
The older I get, the more prominent my status as a loner becomes. But the thing is, I don’t want to be alone. Maybe that’s why it’s getting increasingly difficult to balance the I hate them and wouldn’t be caught dead wasting my life with people like that with the I wish they’d invited me.
“Maybe next time,” Krissy says.
My smile is weak, and I hate it. I hate this part of me, my inability to make authentic and meaningful friendships, the urge to fit in, even when I don’t really want to. I want to be unapologetically me, and what I wouldn’t give for people to love those parts. More than that, I want to believe they do.
I’m tired of the doubt, of tucking pieces of myself away in hopes that someone might take me in. No matter how much I starve it, the fear grows like weeds. I’m a tangled web of uncertainties and insecurities, and I don’t recognize myself.
Yet when Carter pulls up out front, the tension in my shoulders immediately melts away.
Krissy might as well be purring as she follows behind me, like she’s planning to climb in with me. “Is that your brother?”
“No,” I answer bluntly, loading myself into the front seat, narrowly missing Carter’s face when I aggressively toss my bag into the backseat. “It’s my grandma.” I slam the door and sink into my seat. “Yes, Krissy, you fucking doorknob. It’s my brother.”
Carter grins. “Ah, my sweet, charming sister. How I’ve missed you.”
“Carter! Why are my cookies above the fridge?”
I prop my elbows on the countertop, watching my tiny, pregnant sister-in-law as she turns into Spider-Woman and tries to crawl up the stainless-steel fridge.
“Son of a…goddamn…bitch,” she grunts, slapping at the top of the fridge, which is as high as she can reach.
Carter waltzes into the kitchen. “You asked me to put them somewhere you couldn’t reach. You said you were eating too many.”
“I’m pregnant,” Olivia growls. “And you made me this way! And another thing!” She stabs an angry finger into his chest. “I’m allowed to eat too many cookies!”
Carter leans into me, hand over his mouth. “She’s been especially aggressive and emotional lately.”
I roll my eyes. “I’ll grab—”
He bars his arm across my chest, stopping me. “I like to let her go for a couple minutes. It tires her out, kinda like an overstimulated kitten.”
God, I hope I’m here the day Olivia finally decides to let him have it.
This right here is where I need to be, watching my mom yell at Carter for hiding his wife’s cookies, then him and Olivia fighting over said cookies, and Hank sneaking a whole handful of them. Any residual anger from the day fades away, replaced with a soft, warm feeling in my chest that only comes with family.
The warmth still lingers a half hour later, when Carter, Hank, and Olivia, all smiling happily with their stacks of Oreos next to their plates of lasagna, are seated around the dinner table.
Hank twists a cookie apart. “How’s school, Jennie?”
“Good. Great.” I sigh when everyone pauses eating. “I’m ready for it to be over,” I admit.
Carter points his fork at me. “Steve’s dragging you down. You should ditch him.”
Reason one why I’m not going to tell him Mikhail wants Simon and me to pretend to be a couple. I do, however, finally open my mouth and tell my family the secret I’ve been hanging on to.
“There’s a job opening at The National Ballet in Toronto after graduation. And, uh…” I fold my napkin, unfold it, then fold it again. “Leah recommended me for the job.”
“Jennie,” Olivia murmurs. “That’s incredible.”
Hank finds my hand and clasps it, pressing a loud smooch to it. “Way to go, kiddo.”
Carter springs from his seat, engulfing me in a hug that’s teetering on the edge of suffocating. He only pulls away when somebody starts wailing, choking on their sobs.
It’s my mom.
“Aw, Mom.” I go to her, hugging her from behind. “What’s the matter?”
“I’m fine,” she cries. “Totally fine!” Another sob. “It’s just that I’m equal parts so happy for you and so sad for myself.” She buries her face in my neck. “I don’t want to lose my best friend, but I want you to have everything you want and deserve, and I don’t know how to express that all, so it’s coming out as tears!”
A heavy ache rips through me as she clings to me. “You’ll never lose me, Mom. I don’t think I’m going to go.”
“You have to go,” Carter interjects, arms in the air. “It’s your dream!”
Is it though? How can I go after something without being 100 percent certain it’s the future I want?
Another choking sob pierces the air, and tears start streaming down Olivia’s cheeks.
“Nooo.” I scrub my face. “Not you too!”
“I’m just really happy for you but I also really want you to stay because you’re going to be the best auntie ever and you’re one of my best friends, and your mom is sad and that’s making me sad, and my mom’s on the other side of the country and I miss her so much so I don’t want to miss you, too, but you should pursue your dreams, and also I’m just—” she gasps for air, flapping at her face, “—feeling really, really emotional right now!”
Carter meets my gaze as Mom and Olivia collapse into each other, weeping.
Help me, he mouths.
“Uh, right. I love you both,” I tell Mom and Olivia, kissing their heads as Carter leaps to his feet. “I promise you’ll never lose me. Carter’s driving me home now.”
“You’re gonna leave me here with these two?” Hank calls after us in disbelief.