“I’d like to tell you one day, but I’m not ready.” Jennie’s eyes search mine, begging for patience. “Is that okay?”
“When you’re ready, Jennie, I’m here.”
The gratitude shining in her smile throws me for a loop. It’s like all she’s needed all this time was for somebody to give her the chance to navigate a new friendship, a meaningful relationship, time for her to feel at ease to open up and be herself. I’m happy and honored to be that person, but I’m sad she’s spent years without one. I want her to feel safe to be herself with me.
But I have one more question, one that’s been hanging like a heavy cloud above me. “Jennie? I just have to know one thing.” When she nods, I ask, “Did he hurt you?”
Her hand goes to her braid as her gaze falls. “Not physically, no.”
“Please don’t brush off whatever happened because he didn’t leave bruises on your body. Bruises you can’t see can hurt just as much as the ones you can.”
Her eyes lift cautiously to mine, showing me unshed tears. “They hurt a little less when I’m with you,” she whispers. “Thank you for being my friend, Garrett. I think I really needed you.”
The heaviness wanes as Jennie asks me about my sisters, what we’ve been getting up to. She laughs and smiles, and I revel in each one she graces me with as I sit here thinking about that fucking f-word, the label I was so eager to shove on us.
Friends.
What the fuck was I thinking?
CHAPTER 19
SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS…
JENNIE
I keep waiting for Christmases without him to get easier, but I’m learning that’s not how grief works.
I don’t know that grief even has set rules, only that it pretty much always does the opposite of what you think it will. You think you know what to expect because you went through it last year, and the year before, and the one before that. You’ll be prepared this time. Right?
Grief’s not that simple. It’s a fucking mindfuck.
My heart feels jagged and fractured, a deep, dull pain that won’t wane, even as I snuggle beneath the covers, hugging the frame with the photo of me and Dad a little bit tighter, wishing for just one more Christmas with a heart that’s whole.
My phone buzzes, and I shove it under the pillow, not ready to wear a smile that feels extra empty today.
But it keeps buzzing, over and over until I yank it out, accept the call before I realize it’s a FaceTime, and growl out a rather aggressive, “What?”
Garrett’s bright eyes blink back at me. He grins. “Merry Christmas to you, too, sunshine. Jesus Christ, who shit in your Corn Pops this morning?”
I don’t know how the man manages to do it, but I crack a smile. A little one, like, super tiny. But the wider his gets, the bigger mine grows, until I’m rolling my eyes and laughing.
“Sorry. I didn’t look to see who it was before I answered.”
“You fell asleep on me last night, so I wanted to—”
“Are you on the phone with your girrrlfriend?” a voice teases.
“Get outta here, Gabby!” Garrett tosses a pillow, and even through the sound of a slamming door, I can hear Gabby’s shrill giggles. He sighs, dragging his fingers through his mussed hair. “She’s been calling you my girlfriend for the last three days.”
“Better set her straight then. Tell her I had no choice in having a brother as a hockey player; I’m not going to voluntarily date one. She’ll understand one day.”
He turns away, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, well, Gabby can’t be tamed. She says and does whatever she wants, kinda like you.”
“Ah, so you’re surrounded by strong, powerful women.”
“Something like that,” he says on a long exhale. “Just toss the word wild in there.”
My eyes narrow. “You’re gonna get pinched for that when I see you next.”
“Nah, I’ll just tie your hands behind your back so your pinchy fingers can’t get anywhere near me. Plus—” he lifts one arm, flexing his bicep, and growls playfully, “—this body was built by the gods. I don’t have an ounce of body fat on me for pinching purposes.”
“You hockey players are all the same: cocky little shits.” I won’t touch on the fact that my lady parts are tingling at the thought of him tying my hands behind my back. But, like…maybe I’ll touch on it in the future.
“You can’t lump me in with the rest of them. I’m in a league all my own.”
I can’t say I really disagree. Garrett’s nothing like the players you see in the news. He’s like a soft, gooey cinnamon roll. A lot of women would jump at a shot with a man like him.
I tuck the thoughts away, because I’d prefer to remain oblivious to the eventual good-bye I’ll have to say to the only meaningful relationship I’ve ever had, the deepest, most genuine connection I’ve found with a person. Good-byes suck, and no part of me is ready for the one with Garrett that looms somewhere in the future.
“What are you doing still in bed, anyway?” Garrett asks.
“You’re still in bed,” I point out.
“I’m back in bed. We already had coffee, ate breakfast, and opened presents.”
“But you’re not wearing a shirt.”
“Wanted to give you something to look at.”
I laugh, a full belly one that feels good. “Okay, hotshot.”
“You could take yours off, too, if you want.”
“We’re not having Christmas morning phone sex when your family is down the hall.”
He runs a palm down his chest and sighs. “Can’t blame a guy for trying. But seriously, can you do something for me? I need you to run up to my place for a minute.”
“But I’m in bed!” I peel back the blankets and aim the phone at my fleece pajamas with dogs dressed as Santa. “I’m wearing my jammies!”
His gaze rakes over me, an amused brow quirking. “Really leaving a lot to the imagination there, aren’t you?”
“Shut up, you donkey.” I slip out of bed and stretch, yawning. “Fine, I’ll go. But I’m going like this, and I’m not putting a bra on.”
“Braless Jennie is my favorite Jennie.”
I ride the elevator up to Garrett’s penthouse and key in the code as he recites it to me. It’s bright and toasty in here, the morning sun drowning the space in golden warmth. Multicolored lights make the Christmas tree twinkle, drawing me to it. It’s been so long since I decorated for Christmas that I hadn’t even thought to put up a tree of my own.
“There’s a box under the tree,” I observe, spotting the gift wrapped in brown paper with shiny red reindeers stamped all over it, topped with an extravagant gold bow. I turn our snowmen ornaments in my hand, smiling at our initials on the bottom, right next to our ages. “You didn’t forget one of your sister’s presents, did you?”
“No. I just wanted to be with you while you opened your gift.”
My gaze falls to my phone, finding Garrett’s soft smile. “What?”
“The gift is for you, Jennie.”
I sink to my knees in front of the gift. Sure enough, Sunshine is scrawled across the tag. A lump forms in my throat, tight and heavy, one I can’t swallow down. “You got me a gift? But I…I didn’t get anything for you. I didn’t know…I—”