“Mhmm. You scream when you’re angry and cry when you’re sad. But you also cry when you’re angry and scream when you’re sad. You’re embarrassed when you cry because you think it makes you weak, but I think showing your soft side is strong and brave, and I wish more people did it, me included. You’re quiet when you’re overwhelmed or scared, and you hold my hand the most then too. You’re honest and loud and you’re your own biggest fan when it comes to dance, but I wish you were your biggest fan about all the other stuff too. Your favorite way to snuggle is with your cheek on my chest and your leg shoved between mine, and I think sharing Dunkaroos with you on the couch or getting my ass kicked on repeat to Just Dance is my favorite thing in the world. You make me laugh more than anyone ever has, and you have the oddest insults in the world and you—”
“Garrett?” I lay my hand on his cheek, guiding his gaze back to mine.
“Yeah?”
“How many more reasons do you have?”
He scratches his head. “Uh, I donno. I was going through all of them on the plane ride home today. It was six hours long, and I ran out of time.”
I snicker, because I believe it. Garrett’s painfully honest, if only because he’s the world’s shittiest liar. I don’t think he has the heart for it.
“Why were you on an airplane today? Where were you?”
He sets me on my feet and takes my hand, leading me to the couch where we sit together. He runs his fingers through his hair, looking lost, his expression pained, heavy, exhausted.
I rest my hand on his thigh. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, now it is. I think so, at least. I guess it started yesterday morning, on the flight home from Colorado. You came up in conversation, and Carter said you weren’t ready to date. Normally I blow off everything he says, but he said you told him you were happy alone, that you didn’t want anything to change or to be tied down to anyone. And you’re allowed to say that and feel it. We hadn’t talked about being anything else, but I guess with the date we were supposed to have tonight, I just thought that maybe…maybe you were ready.
“Then I lost Wi-Fi on the plane and I couldn’t text you, and by the time we landed, I had a bunch of missed calls from my sisters. My parents were fighting and my dad walked out with a bottle of booze. My sisters were scared and wanted me to come home, and the only person I wanted to talk to was you.” He peers at me from beneath his lashes. “I needed you, and you weren’t there.”
My chest tightens at the heartache in his voice. “I’m so sorry, Garrett.”
He shakes his head quickly. “Please don’t apologize. It’s not your fault, and I knew you were busy. But I let my fears get the best of me. I let myself think what we had meant more to me than it did to you.”
“That’s not true.” I lay my hand on his cheek, turning his face back to mine. “That’s not true,” I repeat. “What we have means everything to me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. I’m here now.”
“When I saw Simon with his hands on you, when I heard you repeating everything I was afraid of, that we were nothing more than friends, that our relationship was just convenient…It tipped me over the edge. It felt like I was barely hanging on with my family stuff, and then…”
“And then you said you needed space.” It makes sense, but it doesn’t stop the pain from roaring back, and I clutch at my chest, right where it hurts.
Garrett places his hand on top of mine, pressing my palm to my heart. “I’m so sorry, Jennie. I was hurting and overwhelmed, and the longer I sat there by myself, the more I questioned everything. And I just…I don’t know. I fell, I think. My head was a mess, and I pushed you away because I couldn’t sort through my thoughts.”
I sit with his words for a moment before threading my fingers through his. “I forgive you.”
“You do?”
“That’s what friends do when they love each other, when they make mistakes and apologize. You forgave me for getting angry and running out on you the night we saw Kevin.”
Garrett’s gaze steals down to our clasped hands before lifting back to me. “You’re my best friend, Jennie, but I don’t want to be just friends anymore. I don’t want some of the benefits, I want all of them. I want all of you.”
“I’m already yours, Garrett, because of the friendship we built.”
“I like that.” He sweeps a kiss across my knuckles, then tells me about his short trip home. He tells me about finding his dad at the diner, how he was so angry for only a moment, until he saw how broken he was. He tells me why his dad was on the verge of relapsing, how they talked through it together, how he brought him home to his mom and curled up with his sisters.
“I’ve been asking them for years to move out here. This feels like the perfect opportunity for a fresh start. He said he’ll consider it, but who knows.” He shrugs. “I don’t want my sisters to have to call me when they need me. I want to be there all the time for them, and I don’t want to watch them grow up over FaceTime.”
“You’re a good big brother.”
His smiles softly before looking away, swallowing.
“Garrett? What else?”
He hesitates, licks his lips. “My dad’s made a lot of mistakes, more than I could ever keep count of. But what’s mattered to me is that he’s tried so hard to come out on the other side. He always tries to be better. I’m glad he was able to give my sisters the life he couldn’t give me, and I love him for that. But…do you hate him?”
I shift back, surprised. “Hate him? Why would I hate him?”
“Because…it could have easily been him behind the wheel.” He doesn’t need to clarify, to tell me what wheel, the one that killed my dad. “Somebody just like my dad took your dad away from you. I don’t know how to ask you to support him.”
My nose tingles, and I scrunch it in an effort to stave off the ache building in my chest. It manages to slip out the way it normally does, a single tear sneaking down the side of my face. When I reach for the locket that used to hang around my neck, finding nothing but skin, a second and a third tear fall too.
“Nobody can take him from me. I’ll always keep him with me. And you don’t need to ask me to support your dad. I support you and anyone you love, anyone who tries to be better than they were. Isn’t that life? Aren’t we all trying to be better than the version of ourselves we were yesterday?”
“Thank you.” His arms come around me, hugging me tightly to him. “I’m sorry I didn’t communicate better with you about how I was feeling and where I wanted things to go with us. Sometimes I don’t know how to put my feelings into words. I’ve always been better with actions, so I kinda…” He gestures at the gift bag he dropped at the door earlier. “I had this plan to let you know how much you mean to me.”
My hands clasp together at my chest and a squeal slips out. I like presents; sue me. “You can still show me.” I leap to my feet, dashing to the door. “And I got you something too.”