“I know.” Guilt churned inside of me. "Can I come in?"
"What's the point?" she tossed back bitterly. "It's not like you'll remember any of this."
Fuck.
Shoving my hands through my hair, I closed the space between us and leaned in to kiss her.
"Don’t!" She turned away and my heart cracked clean open in my chest. “You’re high and you stink.”
“I’m not high,” I tried to persuade her. “I’m not, I swear, Aoi—”
“Don’t, Joe,” she choked out, holding a hand up to warn me off. “Just don’t.”
“How was the scan?” I asked, sinking down on the chair next to hers. “Is the baby okay?” I swallowed down another surge of bile and forced myself to look her in the eyes. “Are you?”
“The baby’s fine,” she replied, voice thick with emotion. “Where were you? This was an important scan, Joey.”
“I know,” I groaned, feeling like a piece of shit, as I pressed the heel of my hand against my forehead. “I overslept.”
“You mean you got high with Shane and your boys last night and forgot about us,” she snapped back, resting a hand on her bump.
My heart cracked in my chest.
“When the doctor comes in, I don’t want you to say a word,” she instructed in a strained voice. “Just…just stay quiet and let me handle everything, okay? I don’t need another report going in against me.”
“Aoife, I’m so fucking sorry.“
"No," she warned when I reached for her hand. "Not here, Joe," she bit out, blinking her tears away. "I can't do this here.”
Swallowing deeply, I shoved my hands into the front pocket of my hoodie and attempted to sit straight and not sway.
“Look at you,” she said, as tears trickled freely down her cheeks. “Wake the hell up and look at yourself, will you!”
Stiffening in my chair, I tried not to let her words wholeheartedly consume me. “I love you.” Panicking when she didn’t respond, I reached for her again. "Aoife – did ya hear me?”
"Yeah, and you love that shit you inject into your veins more." She batted my hand away. "I don’t want anything to do with that kind of love. Keep your love for the drugs.”
"What do you want me to say?" I demanded, feeling lost and fucking broken. "You asked me to come and I'm here.”
"I don’t want your words, Joey," she cried. “I want action.”
"I'm here, aren’t I?"
She shook her head. “I’m not the rest of them, you know. I’m not ever going to give up on you.” Sniffling she added, “Remember that, Joe.”
"Why tell me that?" I asked, thoroughly fucking rattled by her words.
She looked me dead in the eyes when she said, "So you can stop disappointing me."
TEARDROPS AND TEXT MESSAGES
AOIFE
“Are you feeling okay?” Casey asked on the first Saturday in May. We were sitting on the footpath outside my house, watching as Podge, Alec, and several other lads kick a ball around on the green across the road from my house.
“No,” I replied, not bothering to lie. The blasé fa?ade I used for the rest of the world was exhausting and after a long week of bullshit smiling at school, I was running on empty. “I’m tired, I’m fat, and I’m going out of my mind with worry.”
Casey didn’t ask me why. She was all too aware of Joey’s behavior these past few months.
“Where is he now?”
“At work, supposedly.”
“You don’t believe him?”
“I don’t believe anything he says anymore, Case.”
I can’t afford to.
That was the sad truth.
Keeping my eyes trained on the football match unfolding on the green, I shook my head and shrugged. “Dad says he’s been showing up for his shifts, but I just…I don’t know.”
“Oh, babe.”
“Don’t say oh babe like that,” I begged, repressing a shudder. “I’ll cry and I really need to not cry anymore, okay?”
“He’ll come right, Aoif,” she said. “He will.”
“Maybe,” I whispered, chewing on my lip, as my gaze flicked to my stomach. “But I need him to do it now.”
“When’s your next scan?” she asked, reaching a hand over to rub my bump that was discretely hidden beneath an oversized hoodie. “The anomaly one is coming up soon, isn’t it?”
“No, that’s the one I had last week.”
“When’s the next one?”
“My twenty-eight week one.”
“Shit, Aoif, I can’t believe you’re already halfway there.”
“Yeah.” I sighed heavily. “Me either.”
“Listen.” Twisting sideways, to face me, my best friend took my hand in hers and squeezed. “I know you don’t want to talk about Joe, but I just need to make sure you know that none of his behavior has a thing to do with his feelings for you and the baby.” She gave me a sad smile. “He’s messed up in the head, babe. He’s dealing with a lot of unresolved trauma. I mean, the shit with his father is enough to give me PTSD, let alone Joey. But none of that means that he doesn’t love you and baby bear.”
“I know he loves us,” I whispered, gaze flicking to my lap, as a tear threatened to spill. “But he just loves that poison he injects in his veins more.”
“We both know that’s not true,” she was quick to soothe. “But we also both know that he’s not getting better without professional help. It’s gone too far, Aoif, and lying and covering for him isn’t going to help him in the long run.”
“What am I supposed to do, Case?” I choked out, swinging my attention back to her. “I can’t force him into a rehab program, and even if I could, how am I supposed to pay for it? His mother doesn’t give a damn, and every penny I’m earning at the pub, I’m either using to pay off his debts, or trying to save up for the baby. Because that’s another thing I have to worry about. What if he’s not there when the time comes?”
“Don’t think like that,” she argued, flinching. “He’ll be there, Aoif.”
“But if he’s not?” I pushed, forcing myself to admit my greatest fear aloud. “What if he slips so far off the map that I can’t reach him? What if he overdoses? If he dies? Or gets killed? What then, Case?” The tears I’d been trying to fight escaped me and I sniffled back a sob. “What am I supposed to do? Mam and Dad can’t finance this baby. They’re barely making ends meet as it stands. I know what Joey needs, but I just…” Feeling helpless, I shrugged. “I just don’t have the money to fix him.”
“Doesn’t his older brother have a good job?”
“Fuck Darren,” I spat, narrowing my eyes. “He would rather pay me to have an abortion than pay to fix his brother’s mental health. Besides, he’s been spending more and more time in Belfast lately. Mark my words, Case, he’ll be gone before the baby’s born.”