“Only of what he might turn you into?”
“Don’t go there.”
“Your father hurt you.”
“You already know this.”
“And you're still here.”
“Yeah, I fucking am.”
“You came about as close to death as a person does.”
“I’m not a victim.”
“He knew just how to get inside of your head.”
“No.”
“No, your father didn’t know how to get inside of your head?”
“No, he didn’t.”
“But your mother did.”
“I’m done talking now.”
UNANSWERED MESSAGES
AOIFE
Hey, stud. I know you don’t have your phone with you, and you’ll probably never read these messages, but I’m having a really hard day, and I need to feel close to you. Texting you helps. Reading your old messages, too. It hurts so bad, Joe. Being apart from you. I really hope you’re kicking ass right now. Because I need you home, okay?
So, Rebecca called me a whale at school today!!! Like she can talk. Bitch made a whale noise while I was changing for P.E. Can you believe the nerve of her? Anyways, it wasn’t all bad because Casey tripped her up on the basketball court afterwards as penance and then Alec rubbed his sweaty armpit in her face. Not going to lie, though, the whale jokes are getting to me.
Okay, it’s official. I am turning into a whale.
I’m still a ten in your eyes, right?
Ugh. I’m sitting right here in my childhood bedroom and I’m homesick. I’m homesick, Joe, because you’re my home!
Damn you and your fertile dick.
So, I was in Supervalu doing the big shop after school with Mam, and guess who was there? Shannon. With her boyfriend!!! Hate to tell you Joe, but they were lingering in the condom aisle. But I guess that’s good, huh? At least they’re being safe. She didn’t see me, and I didn’t approach her. I just… couldn’t, you know? It’s too hard. But I she’s after changing a LOT. She was smiling like the cat that got the cream, and her cheeks were rosy, not that deathly pale color, and she had this calmness about her. Like she was content. It was pretty epic to see.
So…I’m fairly sure Casey had a three-way with AL and Mack. They’re all denying it, but something definitely happened between the three of them in Podge’s hay shed last weekend.
I felt the baby kick for the first time today.
THE GIRL FROM THE WALL
JOEY
With my heart frozen in my chest, I folded my arms behind my head and stared up at the ceiling, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.
From as far back as I could remember, I had a job.
At first, that job consisted of doing one thing: protecting my sister.
As the years passed by, my job became more complicated.
More babies arrived, the hits came harder, and my mother's presence in my life grew fainter.
The light in her eyes slowly dimmed into the darkness.
I watched it happen.
Powerless, I witnessed her turning into a ghost.
It seemed to happen over a spell of years and then all at once.
By the age of twelve, she was gone.
By the age of twelve, so was I.
My broken bones healed, my scars faded, and my body grew.
Puberty hit and I found comfort in girls.
Except, I never really did.
Sex was something I took when it was offered.
It was the same with drugs.
Whatever I was offered, regardless of the consequences, if it was bad for me, I welcomed it with open arms.
During therapy, they tried to tell me this was a version of self-harm.
I said nothing.
They told me I had PTSD.
Again, I remained silent.
They promised that I wasn't to blame for her death.
Nothing.
They assured me that I had a bright future ahead of me.
Empty.
At night, when the withdrawals still hit me deep, I curled up in the smallest ball I could and thought about her.
That was the only thing that kept me going.
Her face.
The only face.
Her picture in my pillowcase was the only thing I had from back home.
She was the only one I brought with me.
The only one I prayed would be there when I got out of here.
Even though I knew she would be better off far away from me.
I’d dragged her down to my toxic level.
And then I’d left her, alone, carrying a baby inside of her belly.
My baby.
I did that. I wrecked her future before her life had even started.
I was no better than him.
I’d done to Molloy what my father had done to my mother all those years ago.
And still, she remained by my side.
Through the storm, through the category five fucking hurricane that was my life, she stayed, never giving up on me even when I'd given up on myself.
Nobody ever got me like she did.
Nobody ever accepted me like she had.
For me.
I spent so long trying to push her away that when I stopped, it was so easy. Being with her was like breathing. I didn’t know I needed the air, but I knew that I would die without it.
That's what she was to me now.
How important her presence in my life was.
Being without her now felt alien.
The thought of not having her in my life made me want to stay down.
Sometimes, I wondered if I stayed still enough, would the world just forget about me? Would I join my mother? Wherever the fuck she was.
In therapy, they told me to write about my feelings, but the truth was that I didn’t know where to begin.
I wasn’t sure what I felt anymore, didn’t know and couldn’t tell what was real and what was synthesized.
All I could see was her.
The girl from the wall.
CRAMMING AND CRACKING
AOIFE
I’ll be seeing ya, Molloy.
I’ll come back for you.
For both of you.
“Aoife, come on, will you? You need to focus!” My brother’s voice penetrated my thoughts. I looked up from the copybook I was doodling in to find Kev staring at me from across the kitchen table with an expectant look etched on his face. “Have you taken in a word of what I’ve been saying for the past two hours?”
I could have lied, but I didn’t have the energy. “No?”
“Aoife.” He sighed heavily. “This is your leaving cert. You can’t go into the exams tomorrow and doodle all over your English paper.”
“But my doodles are cute,” I replied, adding a little smiley face to my latest creation. “Look at this cute little spider in its web.”
“I’m sure the cute little spider drawing will be a fantastic addition to the baby’s nursery,” he shot back dryly. “But it won’t help you pass your exams, and we need you to pass your exams, remember?”
“What’s the use, Kev?” I showed my vulnerable underbelly by admitting aloud. While we had called a fragile truce, and my brother was attempting to make amends by taking on the role of my personal tutor, our relationship was far from back on track. “We both know I don’t have a hope of passing the leaving cert. There’s too much to do and too little time to do it in.”
Honestly, I had read more in the past three days than I had in eighteen years.
Cramming for exams was a disaster, and while my brother was an exceptional teacher, nothing was going in because I couldn’t concentrate on anything but my boyfriend.