“Yes,” she replied slowly. “I understand he’s at school, but if he knew you were struggling like this, he would —”
“I’m not struggling,” I choked out, burying my face in the crook of my arm as another wave of hysteria washed through me. “I’m just scared.”
“Oh love.” Closing the space between us, Mam sat at the edge of my bed and lifted AJ into her arms. “What are you scared of?”
“Being alone,” I sobbed, beyond inconsolable now. “Having to do this without him.”
“Aoife, pet, Joey’s home,” she tried to coax, as she rocked my son in her arms. “He’s not going anywhere.”
But he could.
He could relapse.
He could leave me.
Again.
“I’m still scared,” I cried, wincing when I moved too quickly and caused a burning pain to shoot up through me. “He’s over there and I’m here and I’m just…” I choked out a shuddering breath and reached for my son. “I’m just really scared, Mam.”
“You know, it’s completely normal to feel all over the place in the early days after giving birth.” Mam wrapped an arm around my shoulders as I cradled AJ to my chest. “Your hormones are in disarray and your entire system is going through a reboot, so to speak.”
“I’m just scared,” I repeated, unable to repress the shivers racking through me. “I’m just…” Shaking my head, I leaned in close and pressed a kiss to AJ’s head. “I’m scared.”
“Of course you’re scared,” she soothed. “You’ve been through hell this year, and you’re still only eighteen, sweetheart. It’s okay to feel uncertain. It’s very normal. I remember when I first brought you and Kev home. I cried for a solid three months.”
“You did?”
“Absolutely,” she replied, tightening her hold on me. “I was so out of my depth, and your father was working all the hours God gave him to put food on the table. Back in those early days, I genuinely thought I was losing my mind. But it gets better, love. It gets easier. I promise.”
CHANGE OF PLANS
JOEY
"But he's a hurler, Gibs," Kav pointed out, voicing my thoughts aloud, as I sat at their lunch table, listening to his demented best friend spurt off his latest wild idea.
It turned out that Gibsie had a lot of wild ideas, and I would know, since I was the misfortunate bastard with a class timetable identical to his, meaning we’d spent the first six classes of the day together.
And oh, yes, he saved a seat for me in every single one of those classes.
Apparently, Johnny was an even bigger egghead than Kev, and was primed for the illustrious 600 points leaving cert score in June that only the academically gifted snagged.
Meanwhile, I was destined for average, right alongside a lad who could never be accused of being average.
"True," Gibsie replied with a nod. "But Lynchy needs a change of scenery, and we need a winger. Tommen doesn't have a hurling team, but we do have a rugby team. A team that's running seriously low on quality players this year."
“Look at him,” Hughie interjected. “He’s too —”
“I’m too what?” I sneered, daring him with my eyes to finish that sentence.
“Nothing,” he muttered, turning away. “Nothing at all.”
“Yeah,” I growled, still glowering. “That’s what I thought.”
"He's aggressive and argumentative, not to mention downright vicious at the best of times," Feely decided to throw his two cents into the conversation.
“The fuck would you know about it?” I snapped, glaring at him. “You don’t know shit about me.”
“Case in point,” Feely replied calmly. "Plus, he's already a skilled athlete."
"True," Kav mused, scratching his chin, expression thoughtful.
"You've seen the lad," Gibsie continued, ignoring me entirely, and concentrating his attention on his teammates. "He's lightning on his feet."
Feely smiled. "He's perfect."
Turning to face me, Gibsie grinned widely. "So, are ya feeling me, Lynchy?"
"Like fuck I am," I deadpanned. "If you pricks even think or imagine that I'm going to join your —”
"You'll get to hit people," he cut me off by saying, "Repeatedly, legally, and without getting arrested. Consider it a physical form of therapy."
“I’m reformed,” I replied with a sniff. “Besides, I’m a father now. I don’t have time for sports.”
“Yeah,” all four laughed.
“What?” I snapped. “I fucking am!”
“A father, yeah,” Kav agreed.
“Reformed?” Gibsie snickered. “Never.”
Refusing to take the bait from who I could only compare to a wealthier version of Alec, I shook my head and leaned back in my seat. “Listen, while I appreciate the offer to join your team, I have a girl, a kid, and a job that come before everything. So, it’s a pass.”
“A job?” Kav’s brows shot up. “Already?”
I nodded. “Got my old one back at the garage.”
“Shite, lad.” He smiled, looking genuinely happy for me. “Congrats.”
“Cheers.”
“Hey guys,” Shannon chirped, strolling into the canteen with her two pals in tow. Her eyes lit up the moment she saw me sitting at the table with them, she even bounced a little, but managed to school her features before reaching the table. “Hey, Joe,” she said, trying to sound nonchalant as she moved to take up the vacant seat next to Kav.
“Shan,” I acknowledged, watching as Kav pulled the chair out for her – the same chair he’d been guarding like a lion all lunch.
“Hi, Johnny.”
“Hi, Shannon.”
“That’s her throne,” Gibsie chuckled in my ear. “Nobody but Little Shannon sits next to the king of the jungle – or in our case, the king of Tommen.”
I rolled my eyes, uninterested in social politics.
It did warm something inside of me, though, to see my baby sister find her feet.
To have her own circle.
To finally belong.
When Lizzie pushed past me, she offered me a sly wink and nothing else.
Not a hello.
Not a smile.
Not an anything, and I couldn’t have been more grateful to her in this moment.
Keeping my eyes trained on her, I watched as she lowered herself down between Feely and another lad with a shaved head, directly opposite Hughie.
This girl. Messy as fuck or not, this girl had my unconditional support.
I had a girlfriend and a son to go home to that I wouldn’t have if she hadn’t taken a second to talk me down from the edge that night. The thought of what could have happened – what would have happened – if she hadn’t intervened meant that I would be forever indebted to her. My son had a father because of her, and whenever the shit hit the fan for her, because it would hit the fan, then she would have my backing.
Yeah, for the rest of the school year, she would come under the same umbrella that Tadhg and Shannon did.
“Well, if it isn’t the broken boy and the comeback kid," Claire Biggs chimed in as she strolled over to the lunch table and, seeing there weren’t any free seats, dropped onto Gibsie’s lap.