“AJ’s fine,” I whispered in the darkness, gently pulling her back down. “I just checked him. He’s sleeping.”
Sagging in relief, she twisted onto her side to face me and expelled a shaky breath. “Have you slept?”
I shook my head.
“Why not?”
“I’m sort of…battling something here.”
“Her ghost?”
I nodded.
“Joe.” Her hand was on my cheek then. "Tell me what's going on in that head of yours."
"It hurts."
"Where?"
"Everywhere."
She watched me and I watched her right back. I wanted to be closer to her than my own skin. The connection I felt to her was overwhelming when I was high but now that I was sober, it was so strong that I could hardly stand it.
After watching her give birth, after witnessing the inhuman strength she possessed, I knew I would never be worthy of the girl.
"Here?" she finally asked, reaching a hand out to trail over my chest. She pressed her palm to the skin covering my heart. "In here?"
I nodded slowly.
"And here?" she asked, trailing her fingertips over my temple. "In here?"
Shuddering, I moved to snatch her hand up, desperate for the physical contact.
"I'm proud of you, Joe."
"You are?"
Smiling softly, she trailed her fingers down my neck before placing her hand back down on my chest. “I am.”
“I don’t deserve it.”
Wordlessly, she took my hand in hers and placed it to her chest. "Feel that?"
"Yeah." Her heart was hammering violently against my palm. "I feel it."
"That's you," she whispered. "That's what you do to me."
"Still?"
"Then. Still. Always."
"Aoif…"
"No more chances, Joe," she croaked out, eyes filling up with tears. "This is the last one, okay?"
"Yeah," Nodding, I blew out a ragged breath. "It's the last one I'll need."
"I mean it," she added. "You screw up again and we're done. One more time and I'm gone. I'm out of your life and there's no way back." She eyed me warily. "I can't risk his safety." A shiver rolled through her. "I won't put us before our son."
"I don’t want you to," I strangled out, breathing hard and fast as the prospect of having her back in my life danced before my eyes. "He comes first."
"Before drugs?"
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I nodded stiffly. "You both come first."
"I know it won't be easy for you."
"No, it won't," I agreed. "But I'm making you and him my first priority."
"I don’t want you to drink either," she blurted out. "If that's a hard limit for you then you need to say so now. I know you're not alcohol dependent, but I can't risk you losing your head. I —”
"I get it," I hurried to soothe. "And I agree. I won't drink. I know what's at stake."
"I want to keep you alive, Joe," she breathed, looking into my eyes. "I need you alive." Chewing on her bottom lip, she glanced at the bassinet next to her bed. "I don’t want to do this on my own."
My heart cracked in my chest.
"You won't have to," I vowed, finding strength in having someone need me again.
I needed that, I suddenly realized.
I needed to be needed.
I was programed to take care of the people I loved.
Not having that made me feel off-balance.
Maybe that was unhealthy, but I'd take it over sticking needles in my veins any day of the week.
"Good," she sniffled. "Now kiss me and make it worth it."
Wholeheartedly complying with her wishes, I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers, shivering when I felt the familiar jolt of excitement shoot through me at the feel of her lips on mine.
Shivering, she wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered the words, “Ride or die, Joe.”
My heart gunned ferociously in my chest, because I knew she meant it, and when I whispered the words, “Ride or die, Molloy,” I knew I meant it, too.
More than anything.
BETTER DAYS ARE COMING
AOIFE
Secretly thrilled that Joey was handed a two-week suspension from Tommen, I soaked in every second of having him with me.
Because the truth was that I felt better when he was around.
More stable.
More supported.
More like me.
Unlike when I was with my mother, I didn’t feel embarrassed or inadequate when I had to ask him a question about AJ. It was like Home Economics class all over again and I had the best partner. He was so patient with me, even when I didn’t have any patience for myself. For the first week of his suspension, he rarely left our sides. By the second week, he managed to coax me out of the house with the prospect of hitting the shop. The boy knew my weakness and targeted it with unapologetic deviousness.
“How would you feel about taking a spin over to the manor?” Joey asked on Tuesday morning, as he drove us back from the doctor’s office, after taking our son to his two-week checkup.
The Pogues’ A Rainy Night In Soho was playing on the radio, and the lyrics were curling around my heart like a little blanket of warmth.
“Everyone will be at school, so it’ll just be Edel and Sean,” he was quick to add, reaching across the console to give my thigh a reassuring squeeze. “Nothing too stressful, I promise.”
“Of course, Joe,” I replied, snatching his hand up in mine. “God, I’m sorry, I didn’t even think that you would want to bring AJ over to see your family.”
“I want to bring the both of you over,” he corrected gruffly. “But it doesn’t have to be today if you’re not feeling up to it.”
“Why wouldn’t I feel up to it?”
“You’ve had a hard couple of weeks, Molloy.”
“So have you.”
He snorted. “Hardly.”
“You’ve literally done every single night feed for the past seven nights.”
“Because you’ve literally grown a human for the past nine months.”
“You think I can do this, right, Joe?” I asked, looking back to check on AJ, who was nestled in his car seat in the back of my car. “You think I can be a good mam, right?”
“I don’t think it, Molloy, I know it.”
“I’m getting better at it, though, right?” I chewed out my lip, feeling another horrible wave of uncertainty. “It’s just that I love him so much, Joe. Every time I look at him, I get completely overwhelmed thinking about all the things that could go wrong. All the things I don’t know. The thought of doing something wrong or making a mistake with him makes the anxiety inside of me multiply until I can’t breathe.”
“I feel the exact same way,” he replied, squeezing my hand.
“You do?”
He nodded. “With you, Molloy.”
My breath hitched and my heart squeezed tight. “Joe.”
“Listen to me, you are an unbelievable mam, and that kid is lucky to have you,” he urged. “You don’t need to second guess a damn thing you do, Aoif. You honestly don’t, because you’ve got this, baby. You’re the glue. The three of us are here together because of you.” He squeezed my hand again. “AJ wouldn’t be here without you, and neither would I. So, don’t doubt yourself because you’re temporarily out of steam. The only reason you’ve been running on fumes in the first place is because you’ve spent your entire pregnancy picking up the slack for me.”