Stop calling him it, I wanted to scream, but my current company caused me to refrain. “What the fuck do you want me to say?”
“Well, first thing’s first, you can get rid of that sorrowful tone of voice,” he snapped. “Why would you be sad? It’s not like you were happy about it.”
“Why would I be sad?” I shook my head in disgust. Was he serious?
“You didn’t want her to have another baby, and now there isn’t one,” he bit out, tone accusing. “This suits you down to the ground, boy, so you might as well be honest about it.”
Yeah, I didn’t want them to have another child, but that didn’t mean that I wanted my mother to lose her baby.
I didn’t want my baby brother to die.
I would never want that.
But I couldn’t stop myself from hissing the words, “It’s a goddamn relief is what it is,” down the line – and I meant it, but not for the reasons he thought.
The baby would be spared the pain of ever being carried through the threshold of hell that was our home.
The baby would never feel the sting of our father’s slap, or the pain of our mother’s lack of emotion.
There would be one less sibling to protect, to worry about, to feed, to nurture, and I would be a liar if I pretended otherwise.
As resentful as I had been about the pregnancy, that didn’t mean that I wouldn’t have loved him just the same as I loved the rest of them. My heart would have expanded, and my arms would have stretched that little bit further to fit him in.
“I need you to come over here and talk some sense into your mother,” Dad continued. “You know what she’s like. How her mind drifts away under pressure. You’ve always been able to bring her back when she checks out like this.”
“Fine,” I replied, tone tight.
“We’re at St. Finbarr’s in the city,” he added. “You know where that is, don’t ya?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there.”
“Grand,” he said with a relieved sigh. “Because I don’t know what to do with her. She’s just crying and rocking and I can’t be fucking handling her when she’s in one of these moods.”
“I just said I’d be there, didn’t I?” I snapped, repressing the urge to roar when I found Kavanagh watching me like a hawk. “I’ll be there.”
“When?” Dad pushed. “How soon can ya be here? Because I’m not fucking around, boy, I’m close to losing my patience with her. I want to get home and have a shave and a shower. I can’t be sitting here, watching her crying into a box.”
“I’m on my way.”
“Good lad,” he said, tone approving. “Be quick about it—”
Numb, I hung up and slid my phone back in my pocket and looked at Kavanagh. “I need to take off.”
“Take off?” he demanded. “Where?”
“I have somewhere I need to be,” I mumbled, completely fucking reeling.
“Hold the fuck up,” he warned, blocking the doorway. “Your sister is upstairs in my shower.”
“Yeah.” I shook my head and blew out a pained breath. “I’m going to need you to hold onto her for me.”
“Hold onto her?” He looked at me like I’d just lost my mind. “You just want me to hold onto your sister?”
“That’s what I said, wasn’t it?”
“You’re not saying anything,” Kav hissed, furious. “That’s the problem. You’re not telling me shit!”
“I did tell you,” I snarled, losing my cool now. I didn’t have time for this shit. “I told you to ask Shannon!”
“So, you’re what?” His eyes bulged in his head. “You just going to leave her here?” It sure beat the alternative. “For how long?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“Yeah, I don’t fucking know,” I snapped, just about done with his bullshit. “Is that a problem?”
“It’s not a problem that she’s here,” Kav was quick to state, “It’s a problem that you’re leaving her here, and I have no goddamn idea of what to tell her.”
“Fine,” I lost my cool and spat. “Tell my sister that our father called. Tell her that our mother had a miscarriage on Friday night, and he’s on the way home from the hospital with her now.”
He had the good grace to flinch. “Shite.”
“You have no fucking idea,” I seethed, shoving past him and stalking down the hallway to swing the front door open. No goddamn clue.
“Do you want me to bring her straight home?” he asked, trailing after me, anger gone now, replaced with awkward sympathy. Fuck him. I didn’t want his sympathy. I didn’t need it either. “Or should I take her to the hospital to see your mother—"
“I want you to hold fucking onto her!” I roared, turning around to face him. “Can you do that, Johnny Kavanagh?” I clutched the front door with a death grip as I met his gaze head on. “Can you look after my sister for me?” Or have I read you all wrong?
“Yes.” He nodded stiffly. “I can.”
“Good.” I nodded stiffly. Reaching into my pocket, I grabbed my phone and held it out to him. “I’ll call you when I can to sort out picking her up. Just… just keep her until I can call you, okay?”
Without a word, he took it and added his number to my contacts.
I nodded stiffly and slid it back into my pocket before calling out, “Gussie, I’m leaving now if you want a spin into town for your car.”
“Everything okay?” he asked, head popping around the living room door.
Too fucked up to think straight, I turned around and walked away, feeling like my feet didn’t belong to me, as I somehow managed to trudge across the gravel and collapse into the driver’s seat of Molloy’s car.
“It’s Gibsie.”
I turned to watch him climb into passenger seat beside me. “What?”
“My name,” he explained, fastening his seatbelt, and withdrawing a box of cigarettes from his pocket. “It’s Gibsie, not Gussie.”
“Right, yeah. Gibsie.” I started the engine and tore off down the driveway, gratefully accepting the cigarette he had sparked up and was holding out for me. “Cheers.”
“No worries, lad,” he mused, sparking up a cigarette of his own. “Looked like you needed one.” Shrugging, he added, “It’s only nicotine, I’m afraid.”
“That’ll do.”
“For now,” he joked in a lighthearted tone.
“Yeah,” I bit out, as that carnal urge of desperation and need reared its ugly head at the thought. “For now.”
LITTLE ALPHA
AOIFE
Surprisingly, spending time with the younger Lynch boys did wonders to clear the anxiety-weaved cobwebs in my head.
The oldest of the three was the living, breathing clone of my boyfriend back in the day.
The middle one could give me a run for my money in the talking stakes.
As for the baby of the family?
God, Sean was just so damn cute, it was ridiculous.