“Okay …”
“And have since high school.”
“Fucking what?” He tips his beer up and drains the glass. “You mean, like, you had a crush? And it’s back?”
“No, I mean I’ve had real feelings for him for maybe twenty years, and every time I see him is hard.”
“But … you were at his wedding, and …”
“Yeah, that was torture.”
“You’ve dated people.”
“And it’s never worked out.” I take a steadying breath. “I’ve been able to ignore it and resign myself to the reality that I’d never have that chance with him, and then he showed up, newly separated and looking for a place to live.”
“Which I begged you to give him.” Marty cringes. “Is this my fault?”
“No. It was my choice, and I’m glad I did it. We’ve gotten to know each other and started hooking up, and until maybe an hour ago, I’d thought there was a chance it could be going somewhere.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I stopped by the garage to see him, and Ford said he was off today to go and meet with someone in Boston.”
“Okay?”
“In Boston.” My voice breaks. “And he didn’t tell me. That can only be one person.”
“You think he’s seeing Kyle?”
I slump in my booth. “Yes. Wait, no, I don’t think, I’m sure. He didn’t tell me, and Payne tells me everything.”
“Then maybe there’s a good reason for it.”
“Yeah. That he’s worried they might sort things out.”
All the tension melts from Marty, and he watches me with sympathetic eyes. “You actually think that, or are you being insecure?”
“How am I supposed to know? We haven’t talked about us further than seeing what happens, and even though he knows how I feel about him, he’s never mentioned how he feels. Isn’t that a massive red flag?”
“No, it sounds like Payne.”
I play with my nail as I say, “He’s always said that if he was weaker, he’d go back to Kyle and try to make things work. How do I know that isn’t what’s happening here?”
“You’re right, you don’t.”
Ouch. That isn’t the response I’d been hoping for.
“What do you like about him?” Marty asks. “Why is it feelings for you and not just superficial attraction?”
I frown and think. “He’s … genuine. And nice. He’s always made time for me, and even before he knew me well, he’d make conversation and not be pushy or feel like he wanted to be anywhere else. He’s … relaxing. And he has a big heart. And he leaves me paper cranes when he thinks I need them, and lets me draw on his tattoos, and keeps my dinner warm if I’m working and he doesn’t want to interrupt me …” Yikes. Just thinking about those things is bringing a lump to my throat. I can’t lose that. I really, really can’t.
“Exactly.”
I glance up at Marty, and he leans closer.
“Payne is a good guy. And while he’s my brother and I totally think you could do a thousand times better, I also know he’s not going to fuck with you. Do you trust him?”
“Of course.”
“So trust that he knows what he’s doing. If he knew you had feelings for him, he wouldn’t have started anything with you unless he thought there might be something there. Kyle is a dickweed. Maybe he said he’d go back if he was weak, but that’s one thing Payne isn’t. He takes the hard road if it’s for the best, and you need to believe that whatever he’s doing, he’s doing it for the right reasons.”
And I … can’t argue with any of that. I scowl. “I know you’re right, but … even the smallest hint of losing him … I don’t think I can do it. I’m so in love with him even the thought of it makes me feel sick.”
“Why did you do this to yourself?”
I give him a self-deprecating smile. “Because I finally had a chance with him. It’s worth it, even if I ended up heartbroken.”
“Oh yeah? And how does it feel now?”
“Horrible.” And it occurs to me that even feeling like this, even if Payne came home tonight and told me it was over, I’d still do it all again. “But so worth it.”
29
Payne
Seeing the land and making plans with Beau went a long way toward opening my eyes to the way I was living. I’ve spent so much time resenting what happened, and somehow, I’ve run right to the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I’ve never been more excited for the future.
And that’s saying something because after college, I thought I had it made.
Here I am, starting over at forty, and it’s easy to worry that it’s too little too late, but even if it takes me another year or two to get my plans off the ground, I still have an entire lifetime to enjoy it.
With Beau, if I’m lucky.
So, I made the decision last night that it really is time to move forward.
And to do that, I need to leave my regrets behind.
Which is why I’m on my way to Boston.
I’d love more than anything to show up, present the divorce papers, and make Kyle sign them all without breaking a sweat, but I can’t see that happening.
I’ve done well not to think about him lately, and now he’s front and center in my mind.
I still can’t understand why he threw away the life we had together. The more distance I’m getting from us, the more I’m able to acknowledge that it wasn’t perfect, but our problems are things you fix together in a marriage. You don’t spend two years sleeping around with other men.
The rage and betrayal come back hot and thick, and my hands tighten on the steering wheel. The nerve of him to think he can reach out and make me talk simply because he wants to.
I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I want it to stay that way.
So even though Kyle would have forced this at one point or another, I’m going there on my own terms. I’ve already been married to him for far too long and I don’t want it to last a minute longer than it needs to.
I follow the directions I’ve plugged into the GPS from the address he sent me this morning and find myself out the front of a pastel-colored town house. The street is lined with trees and has low wrought iron fences along the front of each of the houses.
Our apartment block was nice but impersonal. This is … well, it’s exactly what I wanted when I first moved here.
And now, looking at it, I’m relieved that it’s not what I want anymore.
My phone lights up, and I check the DMC chat to find they’ve written back to where I told them what I was doing today.
Orson: This is for the best, you can do it.
Art: Kick the fucker’s ass.
Griffin: If you feel stressed, just remember Beau and how good he is in bed. Feel free to pass on the details if you’ll need me to remind you …
Well, they’re being supportive in their own way, I guess.
I unclip my seat belt, grab the papers from the passenger seat, and steel myself to see him again. The last time I saw my husband in person, I’d kissed him goodbye as he left for work, and he told me he’d be home after his workout that afternoon. By the time he walked back in the door, I was probably getting shitfaced in Kilborough.