揟hat moon is beautiful,?she says with a soft sigh that I feel in my groin.
揝ure is.?
揑t reminds me of that night by the lake. Do you remember??
How could I forget it. It was the night I finally admitted my feelings for her. It was the night she promised she would never leave us. I suppose we have both made promises that we couldn抰 keep. I promised her she would be safe with me. I swore that I would never let him hurt her, yet I handed her straight to him. 揙f course I do. It seems like a lifetime ago.?
揑 think about it all the time.?
揜eally??
揧es. I think you should build that place out on the lake as soon as we get back.?
揧ou do??I look down at her.
揌mm. So we can have a place just like this when we need to get away from the city.?
I wrap my arms around her and we sit in silence for a while.
揥hy have you been avoiding me??she whispers.
揑 haven抰 been avoiding you,?I lie.
揥ell it certainly feels like it. Does what he did bother you??
I look down at her with a scowl on my face. 揙f course it fucking bothers me, Jessie. I hate what that evil fucker did to you.?
揑 don抰 mean like that,?she stammers. 揑 mean厀hen I was with your brothers earlier, I was hoping you might厰
Fuck! She thinks that I don抰 want her. I don抰 even know what to say in response to that but she fills the silence with another question.
揥hy were you drinking out here alone??
揑 just wanted some time to think.?
揂bout??
揂bout everything.?
揂re you okay??She looks up at me with those beautiful blue eyes and my heart almost bursts out of my chest. After everything she抯 been through, everything I let happen to her, she asks if I抦 okay.
揘o,?I say. The whiskey must be some kind of truth serum because I should tell her everything is fine and send her back to bed.
揝hane,?she says with a sigh as she rests her warm hand on my cheek. 揚lease don抰 blame yourself for what happened.?
揑 should never have let him anywhere near you. He got to you because of me and that抯 a fact, Jessie. There is no escaping that.?
揘o!?She shifts her position so she can look into my eyes. 揌e got to me because that is what he does. You didn抰 even know who he was. How could you have predicted that??
揑 made you a promise that he would never hurt you again!?I snarl at her although the only person I am angry with right now is myself.
揂nd I love that you made that promise, Shane, but don抰 you see it抯 one that you can never keep.?She shakes her head. 揘obody can.?
揑 can! I should have.?
揘o matter how much we love someone, we can never stop them being hurt. We can抰 protect people from hurt and pain, as much as we want to. You have to accept that or you抮e going to drive yourself crazy trying to keep everyone safe when it抯 an impossible task.?
揇on抰， Jessie! I can keep you all safe. I will.?I feel the wave of emotion crashing over me and I suck in a deep breath. The cool night air fills my lungs but it does little to calm my racing heart. This isn抰 just about Jessie anymore. This is about every single time Patrick or Paul Ryan hurt someone I love. I sit up and she sits with me, awkwardly perched on my lap now.
揑t抯 not your job to keep everyone safe, Shane,?she whispers as she takes my hand in hers. 揧ou are not responsible for your father or your uncle.?
揑 should have saved her, Jessie. My mother. I tried to厰 I shake my head and stare out into the night as I recall the night my father murdered our mother. I heard him beating her. I heard her crying for help. Liam and Mikey were only one year old when he came home drunker than usual and spoiling to cause some real pain. I抎 protected them first, taking them and Conor to a neighbor抯 house before going back to our own. My mom could usually talk him round after a while, once he had beaten her black and blue first, but this night he just kept on going. I banged on that door so hard my knuckles were bleeding as I listened to her begging for mercy. Now I know why he never stopped that night, although it抯 a secret I wish I抎 never learned. When she finally fell silent, my heart broke into a million pieces and it never truly healed, although it had started to with Jessie抯 help. And now I have let her down too.
揧ou did everything you could, Shane. I know what it抯 like to watch the people you love in pain and not be able to do anything about it,?she sniffs as a tear rolls down her cheek.
I brush it away with the pad of my thumb. I forget sometimes how much she has endured. She watched her entire family slaughtered in front of her eyes by my evil cunt of an uncle, but she is still so full of compassion and kindness. She is damaged just like my brothers and me, but she抯 still the best person I have ever met. Perhaps my mother was right. Some stories are truly written in the stars.
揑抦 sorry for everything he did to you,?I say.
揑 know, but it is not your apology to make. If you let anything your father or your uncle did close you off from happiness and love, then they have won. You抮e capable of such incredible things, Shane. Your love is an amazing gift. Please don抰 let them take it from you, or me.?
揧ou think I could ever stop loving you, Jessie Ryan??I frown at her as I cup her cheek in my hand.
揑 hope not,?she smiles at me. 揃ecause I am completely head over heels for you.?
揌ead over heels??I arch an eyebrow at her.
揧es. I told you, I love you more than candy.?
揧es you did,?I smile as I lie back, pulling her with me so that she is lying on top of me now and I have my arms wrapped tightly around her.
We lie in silence for a while and I listen to the sound of her soft breathing. 揌ow are you really holding up, sweetheart??
揑抦 okay,?she whispers.
揙kay isn抰 really an answer,?I frown.
揑sn抰 it??
揥ell it抯 neither a feeling or a state of being, so it tells me nothing really, does it??
She sighs softly and presses her cheek against my chest. 揑sn抰 okay a capture all for when you don抰 really know the answer? I feel so many things, Shane.?
揝o break it down for me.?
She is quiet for a few seconds before she responds. 揜ight here, I feel happy and safe. Protected,?she whispers.
揜ight here in the house??
揜ight here in your arms,?she breathes.
I have to close my eyes and take a deep breath because this girl just straight up put her hand inside my chest and punched me in the fucking heart. If I had any last line of defense against her then she just tore right through it. She has defeated me. Right here in the grounds of this beautiful house in Carrickfergus, I gave her the very last sliver of my soul.
I kiss her head and breathe in the scent of her hair. If I speak right now, if I try to tell her how much I love her, then she抣l know that she has completely fucking broken me.
揃ut I also feel scared, Shane. Terrified in fact. Not that he will come for me now, but that he抣l do it in two, four or even twelve years?time, when I let myself feel happy or relaxed. When I抳e stopped thinking about him every minute of every day. I might be walking to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner, or be in a restaurant with you and your brothers and go to the restroom alone, or I might just be walking down the street, and he抣l take me. And then I抣l be gone,?she whispers and her entire body shudders.
I want to tell her that I will never let that happen, but we just spoke about making promises we can抰 deliver on.
揑 would tear the world apart to find you, sweetheart,?I tell her instead because that is a promise I can keep.