“No.” With tears dripping down her cheeks, she shook her head and tightened her hold on my waist. “I can’t.”
“You have to,” I croaked out, feeling every ounce of her pain because I shared it right along with her. “Because I need to get my head clear before I can trust myself to be near you.”
“But you’re fine now,” she sobbed, clutching onto me. “You didn’t go out tonight. You’re here. You’re here, Joe! You’re not strung out, or stoned, or drunk.”
“We both know that I’m not fine, baby.”
“But—"
“Listen to me.”
“No, because you’re not saying what I need you to say.”
“You want the words?” Roughly clearing my throat, I sucked in a sharp breath before saying, “Fine; I love you, Aoife Molloy.”
“Don’t.“
“I love you,” I reiterated, eyes locked on hers, as I brushed away a tear from her cheek. “I love you more than I have ever loved another person in my life, and that’s not an exaggeration. That’s the god honest truth.”
“Joe.”
“Which is why I can never put you in a position like the one I put you in on Christmas Eve.” Sniffing back my emotion, I shook my head and expelled a harsh breath before adding, “It’s because I love you that I will never allow that to happen to you ever again.”
“You’re not supposed to tell me that you love me after we’ve broken up,” she cried, burying her face in my chest. “You were supposed to say it when we were still together.”
“Before, during, after.” I shrugged helplessly. “It still stands.”
“I don’t want this, Joey,” she strangled out. “I don’t want to lose you. You’re my best friend.”
“And you’re my best friend,” I admitted, torn apart. “Nothing I feel for you has changed, Molloy.”
“Then I need something more than just words,” she demanded. “If you expect me to walk away, then I need you to give me some sort of guarantee.”
“Like what?”
“Like this isn’t forever,” she whispered, green eyes searching mine. “That this is a temporary break, and as soon as you process whatever it is that you need to process, we’re going to get back together.”
“And if I can’t?”
She shook her head. “That’s not an option.”
“Molloy.” I blew out a breath. “I don’t want to make you a promise that I can’t keep.”
“Then make it and keep it,” she urged, reaching up to entwine her fingers with mine. “It’s as easy as that.”
No, it wasn’t, and we both knew it.
“How’s this,” I offered instead. “I’m going to go and do my thing for a while, clear my head, and get my shit together.”
“Without me,” she whispered numbly.
For you. “And you’re going to go off and do your thing with Casey, and the girls, and you’re going to have a fucking epic time,” I continued. “And you’re not going to worry about what I’m doing or who I’m with, because you already know that you’ve got my heart in your ass pocket.”
Sniffling, she looked up at me expectantly. “And your dick.”
It wasn’t a question, it was a warning, but I answered her anyway. “And my dick.”
She nodded her approval and I swiftly continued.
“And we’re going to see each other at school, and it’s not going to be fucked up and awkward because we both remember that before we were us, we were…“
“Us,” she filled in softly.
“Exactly. I’m not replacing you, Molloy. I couldn’t. I’m trying to fix me.”