I began to read.
Soft and slow.
Changing my voice the way Juni demanded I do.
She rocked her head back to look up at me, those eyes full of their belief. “I’d live in a boxcar with you and goes on every adventure you wants to take, Mommy, but I likes it here the best.”
My spirit squeezed in sorrow.
Each time we’d moved from one place to another, I’d amped it up, told her we were going on a great adventure, and tried to make it seem as if it were exciting rather than a horrible reality of our lives.
I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead. Inhaled her sweet scent. The truth that the last four years of our lives had affected her in a way that I doubted I could fully understand. Prohibited her from planting roots. From feeling stable and safe.
I whispered at her skin, “I like it here best, too, Juni Bee, so much.”
“But we’ll be just fine just as long as we’re togethers, right? Wherever we go?”
“Wherever we go,” I promised.
A playful grin stole over her lips. “Even Antarctica?”
I tickled her. “Even Antarctica.”
She squealed and laughed, and I nuzzled my face into her cheek. Loved and made a million silent promises.
Wherever we go.
Wherever we go.
Resolution pulsed through my chest. I was determined it would never again come to that.
I would never let paranoia take me over.
I would never again frantically pack the empty suitcase that now sat against the wall.
We’d never again drive away in the middle of the night from a place that had barely become home.
Twenty minutes later, Juniper was sound asleep, and she had her cheek pressed to her pillow and her black hair was spread around her precious, cherub face. I’d dimmed the lights so she could sleep, and night danced and played across the walls as I brushed my fingers through her hair.
Softly.
Methodically.
Quietly giving her the peace that we’d lacked.
Praying it would stand.
That we no longer had to be afraid.
A frown took hold when my phone vibrated from where I’d left it on the couch. Precisely three people had my number.
Mimi, Darius, and now Eden.
I dipped in and pressed a gentle kiss to Juni’s temple before I stood, my eyes narrowing as I picked up my phone and read the words that had come through on a text.
Strike that.
Four.
Unknown: I have good news and I have bad news, darlin’。
My heart fluttered in my chest. Way too light and excited when I saw the words, though I read them like I was hearing the deep scrape of his voice. Kind of the way I changed the tone for Juni when I read to her. But the really reckless part of me didn’t want this story to end quite so innocently.
Crawling onto the couch and crisscrossing my legs, I tapped out a message.
Me: Who is this?
I pressed send. Of course, I knew who it was. Don’t judge a girl for playing coy. I didn’t know how he’d bribed Darius for my number, but I was sure this bad boy had his ways.
Jud: What, you don’t recognize me? Your knight in shining armor?
I was gnawing at my lip and fighting a grin when I typed out a response.
Me: Except he doesn’t ride in on a horse and he’s dressed all in black?
Jud: That’d be him.
Me: I don’t know about knight…he seemed awful…dangerous.
Why I was playing this game, I didn’t know. All I knew was my heart felt like it was on an unexpected joyride as my fingers flew across the screen. Hungry for his response.
Jud: You have no idea.
Shivers raced across my skin. I should take them as a warning. Not as a slow slide of need that slipped like silk into my bloodstream. I forced myself to get it together before I let this go in a direction I couldn’t let it.
Me: How bad is it?
Jud: Timing belt. There was some engine damage.
Shit. I glanced at Juni where she slept. Worry fisted in my chest. I went back to my phone.
Me: And the good news?
I wondered if he could hear the sarcasm in my question. If he could feel the edge of hysteria that infiltrated my consciousness. Because I was pretty sure there wasn’t anything good about this news.
Jud: Didn’t take out the engine block so it saves the big bucks. And you’ve got me.
I warred, not knowing how to respond, how to tell him I basically had nothing. That even if it was saving the big bucks, I had no bucks.
The only thing currently in my wallet was a hundred-dollar bill I’d gotten for a ring that should have been worth at least a thousand. One I had no intention of going back to claim because I was set on saving to buy a bike with training wheels for my daughter.
A little voice called in the back of my head, Make good choices.
My attention was back on my daughter. How was that not her? Besides, there was no way that hundred bucks would make a dent in covering the car.
I guessed I’d been stewing for too long because another message buzzed through, and I wondered if he’d been contemplating, too, because I could feel the shift. The change in his tenor.
Jud: I have you, Salem.
My ribs clamped around my aching heart.
Okay, this didn’t feel so careful. The way this man made me want to slip out from behind the walls I’d built. Where it was fortified and guarded and safe.
Knowing I couldn’t go there, I forced myself to respond.
Me: I’m not your responsibility.
Jud: Isn’t that what friends are for?
My brow curled.
Me: Is that what we are? Friends?
Jud: If that’s the only way you’ll have me.
Me: You don’t even know me. And who said I was going to have you?
There I went, digging myself in. Deeper and deeper. But I didn’t know how to stop the attraction that pulled and begged.
He wasn’t even here, and my heart was beating out of time. A frenzy lighting in my veins, hands shaking as I sat there waiting for his next message to come through.
Jud: See, there’s this thing where strangers who meet get to know each other…
I rolled my eyes and fought an affected laugh, caught up in the tease that pinged in his text.
Me: Is that so?
Jud: Uh-huh. Was thinking you and I might do a bit of that.
Giddiness swept through my being. Lifting high then sweeping low. A beat of exhilaration before I had to come back down to reality.
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jud. My brother works for you.
And this man didn’t want my mess, and I couldn’t afford to form any attachments. Couldn’t afford to care.
My heart clutched in dread.
What if we had to pack up and leave again?
My gaze was back on my sleeping Juni Bee. On her precious, precious form.
Agony slayed me at the thought.
Yes, I wanted to stay. Prayed we could. But I needed to do it one step at a time.
On top of that? Jud didn’t know the first thing about me. Didn’t know my responsibilities. My greatest, most beautiful obligation.
Nor did he know my deepest, darkest pain.
Jud: That’s right. Your brother works for me.
I felt the ferocity in his tone. The fact he didn’t give a crap. This man took what he wanted, and he made no apologies.
And there I was, the fool who wanted to tell him I wanted it, too. To explore this attraction. An attraction so intense it couldn’t be faked.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t.