But nothing, and I mean fucking nothing, compares to what’s happening right now.
"Oh god,” Maddison cries, squeezing my arm so tightly, I lost all feeling in it so long ago that I’m worried I might never actually be able to hold a hockey stick again.
If you would’ve told me twenty-four hours ago that I would be in a hospital room, watching the mother of my child giving birth to our daughter, I would have laughed in your face.
Really, I would’ve said you were insane and walked away.
Honestly, I can’t even believe it myself. I don’t think it’s fully sunk in yet. I glance down at the white of Maddison’s knuckles as she clutches my arm in a death grip. Her beautiful face is covered in a fresh sheen of sweat and her makeup is smeared, as she gets ready for another contraction.
I’ve learned a lot in the past three hours. For one, I am so fucking glad I play hockey and didn’t decide to become a doctor or something, because I’m feeling a bit queasy.
Every time she pushes and lets out a strangled cry, the knot in my stomach tightens even further. I am not cut out for this, not by a long shot. And when the doctor asks if she wants mirrors so we can watch as she gives birth?
I almost pass out on the floor, adamantly shaking my head, even though it’s her call and I’ll support whatever she chooses.
I’m safely staying up here. With my eyes closed. At all costs.
How is this even my life right now?
It seems unbelievable, but I know better. I remember that weekend more vividly than anything else. It was the best weekend of my life, and even after she left, I looked everywhere for her. I was fucking devastated, and that’s saying a lot for a guy who’s only ever had one relationship in his life. Look how that ended, though. I thought I had fucked it up, somehow, as usual but what really happened was even worse. I can't believe that Conrad had a hand at something so fucked up.
Maddison lets out what can only be compared to a Viking warrior’s battle cry and pushes so hard her face turns beet red as she bellows.
“You’re doing amazing, Maddison, you’re almost there!” Her doctor, Dr. Brown, says with a smile. Completely unfazed. “Oh, I see hair!”
Then, he lifts a bloody glove and the floor begins to sway beneath my feet.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
My stomach knots, impossibly tight, and the urge to vomit suddenly hits me full force.
“Mr. Wilson? Are you okay?” the nurse asks quietly, and I’m afraid if I answer her, I’m going to throw up in the middle of the birth of my kid.
My kid.
“Yep,” I squeak, averting my gaze completely. I squeeze my eyes shut and take a deep breath, trying to get my nausea under control.
Fuck, who knew that watching a live birth would be the one thing that my stomach can’t handle? I’m glad the guys aren’t here or I’d never live this down.
“Briggs, if you leave me right now, I swear to god, the second I can walk again, I will end you,” Maddison spits through clenched teeth.
“I’m not, I’m not,” I reassure her. Or maybe it’s myself that I’m trying to reassure because right now, I don’t feel very fucking confident that I’ll make it through this whole ordeal.
Another contraction hits, and Maddison grits her teeth, pulling on my hand, and gripping the hospital bed with her free hand.
“Alright Maddison, I think this will be the last push. I need you to take a deep breath in and push as hard as you possibly can.”
Maddison nods, a fresh set of tears falling down her cheeks. I quickly swipe them away, not worried about her punching me since she’s currently indisposed.
I’m still in utter shock that I even ran into her and that all of this is unfolding before my eyes, after how long I searched for her. All by happenstance, a stroke of luck, and fuck knows I don’t have much of that. It seems like… fate. I can’t believe how incredible she is. I’m in awe of her strength, fuck, I can’t believe she did all of this alone for nine months.
I can’t hardly wrap my head around all of it. Everything’s happening so quickly, but what I do know is that I want Maddison more than ever, I want our daughter, I want this and everything that comes with it.
I don’t even know what this is, but I want it. Whatever it is if it gives me them.
“That’s it!” the doctor exclaims, “she’s here!” I glance down and see him lifting up a tiny, gunky baby in his arms, a long cord still attached to her belly button, connecting her to Maddison. She’s covered in a sheen of white… stuff, and blood, but even from where I’m standing, I can see the light dusk of her blonde hair.
Nothing prepared me for this moment.
Nothing.
I feel tears well in my eyes before I can even get a full grasp on what’s happening, the fact that this is my… daughter. I look down at Maddison, who’s sobbing as the doctor brings the baby to her chest and places her directly on her. Skin to skin, she sobs as she holds our precious baby girl.
My chest swells with pride and an overwhelming sense of… adoration. The need to protect them both.
“Congratulations, she is beautiful. Dad… would you like to do the honor of cutting the umbilical cord?”
I swallow thickly, suddenly aware that I’m nodding. He hands me a pair of shiny scissors that are bigger than my hand with huge, thick, “o” curved blades, where the normal blades would be.
The second the cold steel hits my hand and the doctor holds up the bloody, blueish purple umbilical cord, the floor gives way and everything goes black.
Eleven
“Mr. Wilson? Can you hear me? Mr. Wilson?”
The voice sounds far away, yet so close at the same time.
I try and crack my eyes open, but they feel so heavy. Really, everything feels burdensome. Somehow, I manage to open one of my eyes, and immediately close it when a blinding fluorescent light is the first thing I see.
“Hi, Mr. Wilson, my name is Sarah. Can you hear me?”
I open my eyes again and realize there’s an older woman with curly gray hair leaning over me, blocking the bright florescent light. She’s holding a small vial in her hands, and then realization hits me like a Mack truck.
Shit! I passed out when I went to cut the cord. I sit upright abruptly then try and open my eyes, watching as the room around me spins in a 360 motion.
“Hey, take it easy. You passed out and your body needs a moment to adjust.”
“Where is Maddison? My daughter…” I trail off, rubbing circles on my temple, trying to find my bearings and get up.
Fuck, I feel like the biggest pussy on the planet.
“Well, if you must know, lots of men are unequipped for birth, which makes the most sense since their strong and resilient wives are the ones who actually give birth.”
I look up at her and she presses her lips in a thin, unamused line.
“I didn’t realize I said that out loud, sorry. My head’s still fucked up, sorry, I mean messed up.”
She nods. “Here, let me help you up. I think there’s someone you need to meet.”
With Sarah’s help, I manage to get off the cold linoleum of the hospital floor and stand upright, swaying momentarily.
“Sorry about that. I’m apparently not good with blood and…”