“Thanks for saying that, because most of the time, I don’t feel like a good mother. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m usually so awkward and not motherly toward Finn.” Annie stood and paced the Ohana, reliving her conversation just now with Finn. It was the most natural they’d been around each other in a while, and that spark of optimism bloomed even more in her chest. Maybe she could do this.
“I don’t believe you.” Serena’s firm voice had Annie turning to her.
“Don’t believe me how?”
“That you don’t know what you’re doing with him.”
“Oh, thanks.” Annie nodded. “Well, here’s an example: I didn’t even plan his birthday party a couple of weeks ago, or pick out his gifts.”
“How come? I think that’s something I’d love to do if I had a child.” Serena got that faraway look in her eyes again.
“We don’t know anyone here, so Sam said she’d be in charge. And I don’t really know what Finn likes . . .” Annie scrunched up her nose, thinking back to the birthday party they’d had at the big covered main pavilion at Lydgate Beach Park, next to Kamalani Playground.
Sam had thought that was a good place to have Finn’s party, since the mazelike wooden play structure was one of Finn’s favorites. It was huge, and decorated with keiki art, whimsical and colorful carvings of sea animals and other artwork for kids. Finn had had a blast with Cam, Leila and her two sisters and one brother, along with a few other children that Sam had invited. It had made Annie happy to see Finn climb all over the wooden play structure and run screaming on the gigantic grassy area with the other kids, playing their own version of tag.
“What?” Serena frowned, bringing Annie’s attention back to her. “What do you mean you don’t know what Finn likes?”
Annie flushed and her face went hot. “I just . . . I don’t know. Brody is the one who always knows what Finn is into. He picked out Finn’s birthday presents.” She was suddenly embarrassed. She thought back to the party, when she’d watched Finn open the present from her and Brody.
Finn had been sitting under a picnic table with the largest present, his cheeks red. He bounced up and down, wound up from the excitement of his party. Brody had told him to wait until things calmed down before opening his presents, but while no one was watching, he’d ripped it open. She’d smiled to herself, not blaming him for being unable to wait. He’d opened the box and pulled out a remote-controlled transformer car.
A while later, Sam had started collecting empty plates and glasses after everyone had left and it was just family. “Did you have a good day, Finnie-boy?” She had leaned down to rub him on the top of his head.
“Yes, the best.” Finn shook the box in his hands, a smaller one than the one he’d opened in secret.
“If you want to open the present from Mommy and me, go ahead,” Brody said, taking a long sip from the bottle of Kona Longboard beer in his hand.
“I want to open this one.” Finn shook the box again.
“I thought you wanted to open the big box?” Brody looked around. “Where is it?” He spotted the box under the picnic table and got up to get it. “Did you open this already?”
Finn turned innocent eyes to Brody, his face clear. “No, Daddy. I think Leila did.”
Annie’s mouth had dropped open at how easily Finn had lied to Brody. She was about to say something, but then Brody asked, “This was just what you wanted, right?”
Finn nodded, and a flash of remorse went through Annie. What kind of mother didn’t know what her four-year-old wanted for his birthday? Good thing Brody had known.
“Don’t feel bad, Annie.” Serena’s voice brought her back to the Ohana. “I wouldn’t have guessed that he’d want a transformer car either. Maybe it’s just that Brody is more in tune with what little boys like, because he was once one himself?”
“Or maybe it’s because I don’t pay as much attention to my child as I should?” Annie had meant that to come out jokingly, but instead, it fell flat, leaving Serena staring at her in silence for a beat.
“I’m sure that’s not it?” Serena’s sentence ended in a question, much like it had when she’d first showed up at the Ohana, making her sound uncertain. She cleared her throat. “I mean, I know it’s not that.”
“Thanks—you’re good for my psyche.” Idly, Annie played with the ends of her hair, twirling it around her finger. Midtwirl, her hand stilled.
An odd little shiver ran down her spine. What had Serena just said? Her mind spun. Why did she know so much about Annie and her family? Annie was almost sure she hadn’t told her what Brody had bought for Finn. Or had she?
20
Laptop ANNIE file
It’s my son’s birthday today. When I was pregnant, I was sure I’d be one of those ridiculous moms who planned elaborate birthday parties for their babies. I’d invite all the kids we knew and their parents, and have lots of food, cake, and games. Wine and beer for the adults. I’d buy our son presents I knew he’d love, and he’d grow up knowing birthdays are special. Yet here it is, my son’s fourth birthday, and I can’t do anything. I don’t know anything about him. I don’t know what kind of toys he likes, or what movies. I don’t know if he prefers cars, or balls, or arts and crafts. I don’t know anything. But you do. You get to be with him, smiling proudly as he blows out his candles.
I haven’t felt like myself ever since that . . . incident with my son. I can’t even say it. I try not to think about it because otherwise, it would make it true. I know he blames me, and truth is, I think it is my fault. Sometimes I don’t remember doing things. It’s like I wake up and can’t remember my dreams but it’s real life, not a dream. One time, I apparently sold stock in the middle of the night and I didn’t even know I did it until two weeks later, when I got the statement. Another, I made a date with a friend （back when I went out with friends） for lunch and never showed because I didn’t remember doing that.
So maybe what happened with my son was my fault. Maybe I did something and I can’t remember. But how could I have done that? Even if I’d blacked out, wouldn’t I remember if I did something that would have hurt my little boy? Wouldn’t I always protect him, even if I was in a blackout and don’t remember anything? Isn’t that what a good mother would do?
I am a good mother. I am. I just never knew being a parent was so hard. When he was little, he’d cry and cry and I’d cry right along with him because I didn’t know what to do. I thought there was something wrong with him. Then I thought there was something wrong with me. That something was broken in me and that’s why I couldn’t bond with my little boy.
But then I found out the truth. I realized why we never bonded. And I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to tell you the truth, that you’d help me. But people kept telling me I was depressed. They told me I needed help.
I feel better now, being in Kauai. The sun has cleared my head and the mai tais have lifted my mood. My son had a great time at his birthday party, which I didn’t plan. But I was there, watching him play with the kids, eating his favorite foods, and blowing out the candles on his cake. I watched him open his presents, presents that I didn’t buy. But soon, soon, I’ll get to know him again and know what he likes because I’m going to follow through on my plan. He’s the most precious being in the world to me and I’ll do whatever I have to, to get him to love me.