Just as she was about to surrender to the darkness, her eyes finally found her son’s familiar form huddled near one of the rock walls. She let out a huge breath but remained rooted to the spot, her hair now blowing wildly around her face. She wanted nothing more than to rush forward and scoop Finn up in her arms, reassuring herself that he was fine. But the panic attack made her immobile.
Would she ever get over this fear of something happening to Finn on her watch? Brody had never once hinted at blaming her, but she knew he must. How did other mothers do it? Look at that woman over there, reading a book and not paying attention to her daughter, who was sitting waist-deep in the water. Granted, the water was calm, since the enclosed ponds created by two rock walls provided a safe haven from the ocean waves, perfect for kids. But anything could happen, and yet the mother just continued reading as if she didn’t have a care in the world.
When she could finally move again, Annie stood up. “Do you want help building a sandcastle?” she shouted to Finn as he came running back to her.
Finn halted, squinting in her direction, and shook his head. They looked at each other for a moment, and she wondered again why being with him was such hard work. She loved her son so much, but she was so awkward with him.
He broke eye contact and walked over to a little girl wading in the water with her father. The children started digging in the sand, and Annie sank back down in her chair. Just then, her phone rang, blaring the theme song from Three’s Company.
It was her father. His gruff voice came over the phone: “Annie-ah? You out?” He always spoke in Taiwanese to his daughters.
“I’m at the beach.” She tucked her hair behind her ears.
“We need eggs.”
Annie waited, but that was all he said. She sighed. Why was it so hard for him to talk to her? Had she inherited this inability to talk to Finn from him? “I’ll pick some up on the way home.”
“Good.” A moment of silence, and then he said, “I’ll make herbal chicken for you tonight. You don’t look good.” And then he hung up without waiting for an answer.
Annie grimaced. She hated the herbal chicken, heavy with cooking wine, that her father thought was the cure-all for everything. She stared at her phone and wondered how it was that her younger sister, Sam, could carry on whole conversations with him, yet he couldn’t even say goodbye to her. But Sam had always been Baba’s girl. Just like their older sister, Jeannie, was Mama’s girl. Which left Annie in the middle, no one’s girl.
Annie looked up as Finn ran toward her, kicking up sand.
“Where’s your new friend going?” she asked him, gesturing toward the girl walking away from the beach with her father.
“She had to go to the bathroom. But we’re going to build a sandcastle when she gets back. She said I could use her big bucket for now.” He pointed to a pile of beach toys near them on the sand.
“That sounds like fun.” Annie gazed at him, marveling again that she and Brody had made such a perfect little boy.
He beamed at her, and her heart gave a leap. “Thanks for coming to the beach with me, Mommy.” He reached out and wrapped his little arms around her neck, and she pulled him in, breathing in the smell of his neck—salt, suntan lotion, and sunbaked little boy.
He pulled away and ran for the big bucket before she could say anything. Annie watched him run past the woman to her left, who was sitting on a blanket with her face shielded by a large floppy hat. Annie put one hand on her heart. Coming to Kauai had been the right decision. Even though Finn still had nightmares, maybe the sunshine and ocean waves would help him, like she hoped they would her.
Annie was so deep in her own thoughts that she didn’t see what happened next. But suddenly, the woman with the floppy hat let out a shout and sprang up off her blanket.
“Watch it!” she yelled so loudly that Finn froze in his tracks. The woman brushed angrily at the sand clinging to her body. “Look what you did.”
Annie ran to them. “What happened?”
“I didn’t do anything.” Finn stared up at her, his face blank as he reached for Annie’s hand.
The woman turned and locked eyes with Annie from beneath her hat. And even though Annie couldn’t really see her face, something niggled in her mind. A memory appeared briefly and then disappeared like loose sand through a sieve. Before she could figure out what was making her senses stand at attention, the woman looked away, stuffed her things into a large tote, and without another word stalked toward the vast expanse of grass that led to the villas of a hotel behind the beach. Annie stared after her, her mind racing.
Finn tugged on her hand. “Mommy? My tummy hurts.”
“What?” Annie looked down at him, confused. He’d been fine just a minute ago.
He placed a hand on his stomach. “It feels funny.” His forehead was scrunched.
“What’s the matter?” Annie placed a hand on his forehead, although she had no idea what she was checking for. It just seemed like a motherly thing to do.
Finn started to answer, but the little girl he’d been playing with called out to him from the water’s edge. He looked at her and then up at Annie, his indecision clear.
Annie stooped down in front of him. “Do you have to throw up? Poop?”
He bit his lip and shook his head. The little girl was now calling Finn’s name. His face cleared and he said, “I’m fine now. I’m going to go play.”
“You’re sure?” Annie stood, her forehead crinkling.
Finn nodded and then ran to the water. She watched him for a moment, then turned to walk back to her chair. But something shiny in the sand caught her eye. She reached down and picked up a bracelet, sparkly black and silver beads strung on elastic with a fake rhinestone turtle charm, much like the ones they sold in all the ABC stores around Hawaii. She twirled it in her hand, remembering a similar bracelet Brody had given her when she gave birth to Finn. They’d always joked that Annie didn’t like jewelry—she’d rather have the cheap bracelets and necklaces from those tourist-oriented stores than real diamonds and fancy jewelry. Brody had bought a bracelet just like this one on their last trip to Kauai and given it to her in the hospital. She’d loved it, wearing it every day until, one day, it disappeared. She hadn’t thought about it in years. But this one looked just like the one she’d lost, down to the turtle charm.
Pocketing the bracelet out of sentimentality, she walked to her chair. Sinking down, she looked back in the direction the woman, no longer in view, had gone. Annie searched her mind, trying to place her. Why did she look so familiar? And why had she run away when she saw Annie?
5
When she and Finn got back from the beach after picking up eggs, her father was waiting in the driveway, looking up at the sky. Annie studied him as they got out of the car. Living in Kauai agreed with him. He was tanned, his body wiry from working in the garden and all the outdoor activities he did with Sam and Cam. He was in his seventies but easily looked to be in his early sixties. She only wished she knew how to talk to him.
“Storm coming. Tomorrow, I think.” He untangled himself from Finn, who had wrapped his sandy body around his grandfather as soon as he got out of the car.