Sophie slides her fingers along the cool metal railing of the stairs as she heads up to her room. Her fois have left it alone, waiting for her to pack it. It’s the only area with any personal items left behind. Sophie has lived every single day of her life in that room, and it was not until Papa’s death that she really contemplated the fact that she would someday have to build a life outside of these four walls.
She ventures into her parents’ bedroom and pictures Nita sitting at the vanity, brushing her hair. She envisions Papa in the closet, untying his tie and changing into his lengha while they discussed the plans for the next day. They did this every day even though the plans were always the same: Sophie would be at school, Rajiv would be at work, and Nita would be home or running errands until Sophie returned. It was a simple life. One that had made Sophie happy.
Her thoughts are interrupted when she hears tires pulling into the gravel driveway. She switches off the lights in the bedroom and goes downstairs to meet Kiran.
His keys dangle from his fingers, and he smiles as she opens the door. He looks rather Western in his red plaid shirt and medium-wash jeans, but with his shirt still tucked in and his jeans belted, he still could not pass for a native Westerner. Sophie has always felt that Kiran falls somewhere in between Indian and Western, never quite passing fully for either. He removes his shoes in the foyer and follows Sophie to the living room.
“I’m afraid my fois have cleaned out most of the home, so I can’t offer you any chai or nasta,” Sophie says as she gestures for him to sit on the L-shaped sectional.
He holds up his hands in polite protest. “Not to worry. I have just come from lunch and could not eat or drink another bite.”
She sits on the other portion of the sofa so it’s easier for them to face each other while speaking.
“Did you get the answers you were hoping for on your trip?” he asks.
Sophie mulls over his question. “I got the answers I needed to start the next chapter.”
Kiran nods.
“If we married, you would still be marrying an orphan,” she says.
He shrugs. “Nothing has changed since we first met to discuss marrying, but I am sorry for your loss. Again.”
On the surface, yes, but for Sophie everything has changed.
“You surprised me very much by coming to Paris. It was kind. Thoughtful. The type of gesture from a man Papa would be proud to see me marry.”
“So, you are still considering it, then? Us marrying?”
“You would still want to go forward, even after learning the scandal of what my mummy did?”
“That depends.” He meets her gaze. “If we marry and you are not happy, will you speak to me about it first before running off to Europe?”
Sophie laughs. “It is a fair question. I can’t promise that we will be happy all the time or even forever, but I know India is my home. Not because it’s obligated to be but because I want it to be. There were so many strange things in France and America that I could never get used to!” She wrinkles her nose. “The people keep completely to themselves. No one says ‘Hi, how are you?’ when going down the streets. It’s a very different life, and one that is not for me.”
“I’m not sure if you answered my question,” Kiran says.
Sophie smiles. “I would not leave without telling you. And I don’t think I will ever want to leave Ahmedabad.”
He nods, satisfied. “If you want to go to Europe or anywhere else, let’s just have a chat about it, and we can plan a trip!”
“That is a deal. But there is more you should know.” Sophie inhales sharply, knowing she cannot move forward without revealing this.
“My mummy, she . . .” Her voice trails off as she searches for the words. “She suffered from some addictions while she was in France.” Kiran’s expression does not change. “I don’t know if that is something that lives inside of me too . . . something that I could pass on to our children.” She blushes and drops her gaze to the floor. “That is, I’m assuming you want children,” she says in a faint voice.
He nods slowly and considers her words. Addiction and mental health issues are not discussed openly in their community. Certainly, their upper-caste Ahmedabad circle would consider them taboo. If his parents knew the true story of her parents, especially of Nita, then they would surely call off the engagement. It is best not to marry into such problems when there are so many young women from other families that do not have such scandals—or at least none that are known to the public. Sophie now believes that, like her family, the others in their community must also harbor many secrets. When it comes to protecting a family’s reputation, people will stop at nothing, and hers had been no exception. Her eyes are open now in a way they had never been before.
Kiran shifts his body, drawing Sophie’s gaze back to meet his. “Do you feel like you have the same tendencies as your mummy did?”
Sophie recoils. “I could never do the things she did.” And this is true, but addiction comes in many forms beyond drugs and alcohol and leaves similar wreckage in its wake. “I don’t know everything about her mental state, and it is something I will seek to learn more about, but I suspect that her addiction was rooted in her unhappiness with the life she was given. It strikes me that she sought to change herself by changing her location or her circumstance. But I believe happiness comes from within.”
Kiran hasn’t flinched at anything she’s said so far, so she feels emboldened to continue.
“I’m not unhappy with the life I have been given. I have learned so much more about how privileged I am compared to so many in this country—in this world! I grieve the loss of my parents, as any child would do, but Papa built me a happy life in a place where I have always felt safe. My mummy may have been born in the wrong time or body or place, because she seems to have always longed for something different. I hope that in her next life, she has found the peace she never had in this one.”
Kiran says, “I hope that for her too. To have malcontent is a large burden for anyone. And I thank you for sharing such difficult things with me.”
She holds her breath as she awaits his answer. She thinks Kiran would make a good husband and partner for her and is now afraid that her burden is too much for him to accept. But she steels herself, because even if it is, she will survive. She has gone through the great hardship of losing her papa and mummy, so she can endure the loss of Kiran if she must, but she does not regret telling him the truth of her family. She is more worried about the toll secrets and lies would take on them.
He clears his throat. “I am sorry for what your mummy went through. I wish her story had turned out better . . . for both of you. But the past is written. You have shared more with me about yours than any other woman I’ve met has or likely ever would in this situation of securing a marriage, when everyone is trying to present themselves and their families as perfect. But we all know that no person and no family is without flaws. I do think I’d still like to build my family with you. If we can speak as openly in our future as we are right now, then I think we can find a happiness that works for us.”
He gives her a shy smile, and she feels like he really is giving her as much permission to decide as she is giving him. It feels so different from the way her friends spoke about their engagements or husbands, always making clear that they had less input in matters compared to the men. Kiran seems to be offering her something different from the life she had expected she’d have, and she believes in that life as much as she’s starting to believe in him.