‘What about IVF? Did we try that?’ I hear myself clutching at straws, my hope that there may yet be a stone unturned.
‘We had two rounds on the NHS. That was as many as we were entitled to.’
‘What about going privately? Did we try that?’
Stephen’s eyes crease at the edges. ‘We felt—’ He stops abruptly, looks down, fiddles with the button on the cuff of his sleeve. ‘We felt we’d done enough. We’d already been trying for five years when we had the first round of IVF. And when that didn’t work . . .’ He wavers and I do not fill the silence. ‘It had been hard. On both of us. You, especially. It had made you . . . You’d found it very difficult, emotionally. After everything that had happened with your parents, you felt you needed a child of your own. It was a tough few years. But in the end, we just had to accept that it wasn’t meant to be.’ He stops speaking, as if he knows he could go on explaining forever but that no outpouring of words could ever fill the void.
Something seems to fracture inside me: regret, sorrow, despair. I think of Zahira and Elyas in the park, feel that same burning sensation I did the very first time I saw them, and I understand that it is not a new longing. It has been there for years: a feeling that something within me is missing and may never be found.
‘I’m so sorry, my love. I’d give anything to be able to say things were different. I can only imagine how hard it is, having to relearn all these things about our life. I hate seeing you so upset.’
I feel Stephen’s hand on mine, feel the warmth of his touch, but it is as though I am not really present, as though my mind has wandered elsewhere, trailing after something I must have craved for so long and learnt would never be mine.
LIVVY
BRISTOL
‘What do you fancy? My treat. I’m having a blueberry muffin.’
Bea looked at Livvy, and Livvy looked at the selection of cakes in the café’s glass cabinet.
You can’t keep moaning about the fact that most of your friends have already lost all their baby weight if you’re eating forty-two pounds of cake every month.
Shaking her head, Livvy pulled off the thin cotton blanket from where it was tucked around Leo in his pushchair. ‘Nothing for me. I’ll just have a decaf latte with skimmed milk.’
Bea held Livvy’s gaze for a heartbeat longer than necessary, and it was Livvy who looked away first.
‘You get us a table, I’ll bring it over.’
Livvy navigated the buggy through the narrow avenue of tables, found space by the window. Lifting Leo onto her lap, she took the teething ring from its sterilised pouch, handed it to him. Glancing at her phone screen, she clocked the time: quarter to ten. Almost three hours until Dominic was due back from Sheffield.
‘So has the promotion been formally signed off now?’ Bea sat down opposite Livvy, handed her a coffee.
Livvy picked up the teaspoon, stirred her drink even though she no longer took sugar. ‘Aisha and Christian think it is, but I can’t really see how I can make it work.’
‘Why not?’
Livvy took a tissue from her pocket, wiped some dribble from Leo’s chin. ‘Dominic’s project is overrunning by a couple of months at least. He won’t be back when I’m due to start. I can’t see how I’ll manage all the drop-offs and pick-ups at nursery just doing my old job, let alone starting a new one. I think I might have to delay going back until Dominic’s home for good. Which means giving up the promotion.’ She tried to keep the resentment from her voice but could hear it seeping through.
‘But that’s ridiculous. Dominic can’t expect you to give it up. Why can’t he finish his contract on time? He’s freelance – he can get another job. You could be doing that Policy Director job for years.’
They were all questions Livvy had asked repeatedly since Monday, her conversations with Dominic circular, repetitive. ‘Dominic says there’s no way he can get out of his contract early – he’s got to see it through to the end.’
‘So you’re just expected to relinquish the promotion you’ve been working towards your whole career? That’s absurd. Has Dominic got no understanding of how important this is to you?’
Livvy reached into her bag, pulled out a pot of nectarine she’d sliced earlier, handed a piece to Leo. In her mind, she tried to separate Bea’s hostility towards Dominic from the validity of the points she was making, but it was impossible to delineate a clear, unwavering line between the two. ‘I’m angry about it, obviously. But if Dominic’s insistent he can’t finish his contract early, I don’t see what I can do.’
‘But it’s completely unreasonable. What does Dominic want – for you to be a stay-at-home wife for the rest of your life?’ Derision dripped from Bea’s voice, and Livvy watched her sister take in a deep breath, try to restrain her annoyance. ‘Are you sure you can’t make it work? It’s only a couple of months.’
Livvy wondered how many times she had played through the various scenarios in her mind. It was like an impossible mathematical proof, resisting any neat solution. ‘I talked it over with Mum yesterday. I could drop Leo off at nursery every morning but there’s no way I can be there at six every evening to collect him. Mum and Dad have offered to do three days a week – pick Leo up, take him back to mine, give him dinner and get him ready for bed. But they can’t do the other two because of their National Trust stuff, and I wouldn’t expect them to give that up.’
There was a moment’s pause, and then Bea looked across the table at Leo, then at Livvy. ‘I’ll do it.’
‘Do what?’
‘Collect Leo the other two evenings. Take him home, give him his dinner.’ The way Bea said it – so matter-of-fact – it was as though the offer wasn’t huge, generous, above and beyond.
‘I can’t ask you to do that—’
‘You’re not asking. I’m offering.’
Possibilities skittered through Livvy’s mind like marbles on cobblestones. ‘But what about your job? Early evenings are one of your busiest times at the practice.’
Bea waved a hand dismissively in the air. ‘What’s the point of being a partner if I can’t be flexible with my hours once in a while? The other partners are forever taking time off to go to their kids’ school plays or sports days or some other child-related thing they can’t possibly miss. Why shouldn’t I do the same for my nephew? Honestly, it’ll be fine.’
Livvy began to recalibrate her expectations. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Absolutely. It’s only for a couple of months.’
Livvy reached across the table, took hold of Bea’s hand. ‘Has anyone ever told you you’re the best sister in the world?’
Bea laughed. ‘Well, if they haven’t, it’s probably about time they started.’ She squeezed Livvy’s fingers. ‘But seriously, there’s no way I’m letting you miss out on that promotion just because Dominic’s putting his own career first. And anyway, it’ll be nice for me to spend a bit more time with Leo. You know how much I love him.’ Stretching out an arm, she tickled Leo’s tummy. ‘So that’s all sorted then?’