She inhales deeply, and it strikes me that perhaps it was selfish of me to come here and share my suspicions when it may reignite painful memories for Zahira.
‘And there’s nothing you can remember about any tension with Stephen before the accident? Nothing about him going away or being secretive?’
I shake my head.
‘Maybe—’ Zahira stops herself, averts her eyes, picks at some dried wax stuck to a candlestick.
‘What?’
She hesitates, as if silently assessing what she is about to say. ‘I was just thinking about how Stephen hasn’t wanted to tell you anything about your family or friends. Perhaps you’d found out about the affair before the accident and had confided in someone. Perhaps that’s why he hasn’t wanted anyone getting in contact with you.’
The suggestion lands like a sucker punch.
‘Sorry, I’m only speculating – I could be completely wrong.’
I open my mouth to reply, but nothing emerges. And yet it all makes sense. It is all so blindingly, humiliatingly obvious. Stephen doesn’t want me to remember anything about my past. He is fully invested in my amnesia. Because if I do remember, there is a risk that I will find out, not for the first time but the second, that he is being unfaithful to me.
LIVVY
BRISTOL
All week the forecast had been predicting rain, but as Livvy stood on the pavement with Leo in her arms, the sun was warm, the sky free of blemishes.
‘We really are sorry again about yesterday. I promise that if she comes back, we’ll send her packing.’ Hazel whispered, careful that Dominic – still inside the house, checking the boxes – wouldn’t hear.
‘You mustn’t let her in, whatever she says. And if she follows you somewhere, like the park or whatever . . . just phone me, okay?’ Livvy rubbed her eyes, abrasive with lack of sleep. Half the night she had lain awake, unable to escape the image of Imogen with Leo on her knee, like a wicked witch in a fairy story intent on stealing her child.
‘Of course we will. But nothing’s going to happen. Leo will be fine. It’s only a couple of nights.’
Livvy pressed her lips to Leo’s hair, couldn’t quite countenance that they were about to be separated. It would be the first time she had ever left him overnight. As she held him now in her arms, the thought of handing him over to her mum in a few minutes and not seeing him again until Monday was like someone carving off one of her limbs and assuring her she’d manage fine without it.
‘We’re going to have fun, aren’t we, Leo? And you’ll be back with Mummy in no time.’ Hazel ran a finger across Leo’s cheek, and Livvy reminded herself that her parents had raised two children, that they loved Leo almost as much as they loved her and Bea. And they understood now the importance of keeping Leo away from Imogen’s grasp.
‘What time are the removal men due?’ Her dad peered down one end of the street and then the other.
‘Half past eight. Dominic’s hoping we’ll be done here by late morning and in London by early afternoon.’ Livvy shivered in spite of the day’s warmth, pressed Leo closer against her chest.
‘You know, I’d feel much happier if we had an address for you. I don’t like not knowing where you’re going to be living. It doesn’t make any sense, having to be so cloak-and-dagger about it.’
‘There’s nothing to worry about, Robert. Everything’s in hand.’ Behind them, Dominic appeared from the open front door, strode down the short garden path towards them. ‘As I’ve said, I want it to be a surprise for Livvy.’ He wrapped an arm around her shoulders, kissed the top of her head. ‘Having got this far, I’d rather not give the game away. We’ll send you the address later.’
Livvy’s eyes flitted between Dominic and her parents. She had told Dominic she felt uneasy, not having seen their new home, not even knowing the address. But Dominic had reiterated the same response each time she’d raised it. ‘Please let me do this for you. Don’t make me waste all the effort I’ve gone to. I really want to see your face when we walk through the front door. And remember, it’s only our temporary home. Of course we’ll pick our long-term place together.’
There was an infinitesimal tensing of Robert’s jaw. ‘But you’ll call us as soon as you get there?’
‘Of course I will—’
‘Well, we might not be able to call tonight. But we’ll definitely text.’ Dominic rubbed Livvy’s shoulder. ‘You know what it’s like on moving day. Suddenly it’s almost midnight and you still haven’t managed to locate the duvet.’ Dominic laughed, but Hazel and Robert’s mouths were set in horizontal lines.
‘Right, shall we let your parents go? The removal men will be here soon and we ought to do one final check before they arrive.’ Dominic kissed Leo’s forehead. ‘You be a good boy for Granny and Grandad. No wreaking havoc, okay?’ Pressing a hand into the small of Livvy’s back, he urged her forwards.
Livvy breathed in the smell of her son, wishing she could bottle it, take vials of it with her to London.
‘Come on. He’ll be fine. It’s only two days. I guarantee you’ll miss him more than he misses you. He’ll be spoilt rotten and barely want to come home.’ There was levity in Dominic’s voice as he ran his fingers along Livvy’s spine.
‘Honestly, darling, we’ll take such good care of him. And we’ll bring him back first thing on Monday morning, just as soon as we know the address.’
‘Come as early as you like. We’ll be up.’ Livvy tried to laugh, but it snagged somewhere in her throat.
Kissing Leo’s cheek, she handed him over to her mum. ‘You’ve got his bags? And all his food in the freezer? And you remember what to do with the breast milk?’
‘I have had two children of my own. You don’t need to worry.’ Hazel bounced Leo on her hip as Robert opened the passenger door of their Vauxhall Corsa. She placed Leo in the baby seat, strapped him in, before getting in beside him.
Robert turned in Livvy’s direction, skin pinched between his eyebrows. ‘You’ll text us as soon as you get there? Let us know where you are?’
‘Just as soon as I catch my breath, I promise.’
Through the back window, Leo stared at Livvy as if trying to compute why there was a metal door, a glass window, an enormous barrier between them. As Robert got into the driver’s seat and started the engine, something seemed to click inside Leo – some awareness of what might be happening – and his face crumpled, his mouth widening into a horrified circle, tears welling in his eyes. Through the glass, his cries erupted in a disbelieving howl. Instinctively, Livvy took a step towards the car to reassure him that everything was okay, that she would be reunited with him soon. But Dominic held on to her shoulders, firm and decisive. ‘Leave him. You’ll only make it worse if you fuss. Just smile and wave and let him know there’s nothing to worry about.’ He held up his phone, camera screen facing towards them. ‘Come on, one last selfie together on our street.’
Livvy fixed a smile on her face, cheeks aching with the effort, as Dominic took a photo.