“I know. I just think it would be nice, maybe?”
Ilya could see that. Pride Night games had always felt weird to him. Performative, mostly, but also uncomfortable because he felt guilty for not being out.
“Then you should do it,” Ilya said. “And we will make sure to embarrass your old team that night.”
“You are such a big boy now,” Ilya said as he scratched Chiron’s ears. “You are like two Chirons.”
Harris had brought Chiron into the locker room at the end of practice to visit the team, but Ilya suspected he had an ulterior motive. His suspicions were confirmed a moment later when Harris asked, “Was Troy not here today?”
Ilya smiled at the dog. “He is here somewhere. Showers, probably.”
Harris glanced toward the showers, but managed to keep himself from running in there to get an eyeful of wet, naked Troy. “Chiron got some bad news last week,” he said. “I mean, maybe he’s not too sad about it.”
A million horrible possibilities flashed through Ilya’s brain. “What news? What is wrong?”
“Turns out he’s not therapy dog material. At least according to the trainers.”
“Impossible,” Ilya said, because clearly Chiron was the best dog in the world and the trainers were fucking idiots if they couldn’t see that. “What will happen to him?”
“Nothing bad,” Harris assured him. “He’s still going to be the official team dog, but he’ll need a home away from the arena.”
Ilya almost offered to take him. He wanted to so badly. But there was another option that made way more sense. “You will adopt him,” he told Harris.
Harris, as it turned out, had already been thinking the same thing. So Ilya was doubly glad he hadn’t tried to steal Harris’s dog.
Ilya smiled at Chiron. “You are going to be the happiest dog ever.” He meant it. Harris loved dogs, and his family had a big farm that Chiron could visit and run around at.
Troy emerged from a back room—not the showers—looking sweaty and, yes, sexy, so Harris’s attention left Ilya immediately. Ilya sat on the floor and played with Chiron, still wearing most of his gear. He removed one of his elbow pads and waved it around, letting Chiron chase it and chomp on it when he caught it.
He definitely needed a dog.
A few minutes later, Troy stood on the bench in his stall and tried to get the room’s attention. It didn’t quite work, so Ilya decided to help. “Everyone shut up and listen to Barrett.”
The room got very quiet as everyone turned their attention to Troy. Ilya could only think of one thing that Troy could be announcing, with Harris at his side, so he held his breath and waited.
“Just one thing,” Troy said. “I’m dating Harris. We’re together. I’m gay.”
Ilya had to respect how efficient the speech was. He began to clap loudly, and everyone else joined in, cheering and whooping. Ilya loved this team. He watched Troy step down off the bench and into Harris’s arms. Then he bent Harris backward and kissed the hell out of him, in front of everyone.
Ilya’s heart twisted, partly with happiness, partly with jealousy. He was thrilled for Harris and Troy, but at the same time he knew he’d never get a locker room full of hockey players cheering for his and Shane’s relationship. And of course he shouldn’t resent Troy for being able to come out, announce his relationship with Harris, and basically adopt a wonderful dog all on the same day.
“It’s okay,” he said to Chiron in Russian. “My day is coming.”
But he wondered sometimes, even with Shane’s ring hanging around his neck, whether he was fooling himself.
“I thought you’d given up on me,” Galina said, in Russian, as she waved Ilya into her office.
“Sorry,” Ilya said. He’d let five weeks go by without an appointment because he’d been feeling more like his old self. He’d been hoping, absurdly, he knew, that he was fixed. But seeing Troy and Harris kissing in the team locker room had sent him spiraling back to a dark place, so he’d made an appointment.
“Busy?” she asked as she sat in her chair opposite the couch.
“Yes,” Ilya said, taking his usual place on the center cushion. “We might be heading to the playoffs, if you can believe it.”
“I know, I’ve been following. It’s very exciting, as a fan.”
Ilya smiled. “And as a player.”
“So hockey is good,” she prompted.
“Hockey is great. I’m having fun again.” He looked away from her. “I thought, maybe, that would be enough.”
“You thought you didn’t have to see me anymore because you felt happier.”
“Yes.” He forced himself to look at her. “Stupid. I know.”
Her lips curved up. “I wish it were that easy.”
“Me too.”
“I take it your good mood didn’t last?”
“Not exactly, no. I’m still having fun playing hockey, and I love the time Shane and I have together. And I’m…” He paused, but decided he should probably tell her this. “I’m engaged. He asked me to marry him, and I said yes.”
“Congratulations.”
Ilya nodded. “It’s everything I want, and we are planning to come out this summer and maybe get married then too. No more waiting until we are both retired.”
Galina made notes and said, “This is a big change for you guys.”
“Huge,” Ilya agreed. “I’m excited and happy, but I’m also scared.”
“Of how people will react?”
Ilya pressed his fingers to the ring that lay hidden under his T-shirt. “I’m scared Shane will change his mind. Or that he won’t, and it will affect his career, and he will hate me for it. Maybe not for a while, but eventually.”
“Does it seem likely that he’ll change his mind?”
“I don’t know,” Ilya said honestly. “He spooks easily, sometimes. Panics.”
“But he proposed to you. That probably wasn’t a decision he made lightly.”
Ilya happily remembered Shane going to one knee, surrounded by the candles that he’d bought and carefully decorated the living room with. “No. I think he was very serious about it.”
“Does the second scenario seem more likely? Where he resents you?”
Ilya grabbed one of the throw pillows next to him and hugged it against his stomach. “I don’t know. My brain tells me it’s likely, but my brain has lied to me before.”
“Brains can be jerks that way.”
Ilya gave a small smile. “Yes.” He curled his fingers into the pillow. “There’s another thing. One of my teammates just came out as gay. To the team, I mean. But he’s planning on coming out publicly on the day of our Pride Night game next week.”
“Wow. That’s exciting. How does that make you feel?”
“I’m very happy for him. He’s dating the team’s social media manager. A great guy. I’m happy for both of them. The team all supports them. It’s been nice.”
Galina didn’t say anything, just waited for Ilya to continue.
“But,” Ilya added, “I’m jealous, I guess. It’s made me think about how much harder it will be for me and Shane.”