I move toward the kitchens. When I see guards passing, I duck into shadows and make myself unobtrusive. Although it has been a long time, I am well-practiced at being unnoticed, especially here of all places.
As I move, I have a strange dissonance of memory. I am walking through these halls as a child. I am walking through my unparents’ house at night, moving like a ghost. That’s what I’ve been for years. An unsister. An undaughter. An unperson. A girl with a hole for a life.
How appropriate to have my tongue cut out, when silence has been my refuge and my cage.
I creep down to the kitchens, on the first level of the Citadel. Their heat is what makes the prisons warm enough to survive. I would have thought the fires there, perpetually burning, would have melted the whole castle, but they do not. The base of the castle is stone, and what they do melt refreezes into a harder layer of ice.
I see a nisse boy, sleeping in the ashes before the fire, tucked into a blanket of sewn-together skins. I slip past him, past casks of wine. Past baskets of crowberries and piles of dried fish. Past jars of salted and pickled things and bowls of dough that are covered with wet towels, their yeast still rising.
I squeeze myself into the pass-through tunnel and begin to crawl. And although I am larger than I was the last time I was in it, I still fit. I slip by tipped-over wine goblets, dregs dried inside, and a few bones that must have fallen from a plate. I emerge at the other end, inside the empty throne room.
But as I push myself to my feet, I realize that I have failed again because the reliquary is gone.
I walk over to the place where it was, my heart beating hard, panic stealing my breath. I was foolish to come to Lady Nore’s throne room alone; I was foolish to come to the Citadel at all.
There is a withered leaf on the ground, and beside it something that might be a pebble. I lift it between my fingers, feeling the sharp edge of it. It’s what I hoped—a piece of bone.
The Thistlewitch said that with Mab’s bones, great spells could be cast. That she had the force of creation within her. And although I have never been adept at magic, if Lady Nore could use Mab’s power to create living beings from sticks and rock, if she could use it to control my tongue to make it speak the words she wanted to hear, then surely there is enough magic in this to allow me to grow my tongue back.
I put the withered leaf in my mouth first. Then I place the bone on the cut root where my tongue used to be, close my eyes, and concentrate. Immediately, I feel as though my chest is being squeezed, as though my ribs are cracking.
Something is wrong. Something is wrong with me.
I fall to my knees, palms pressed against the ice of the floor. Something seems to twist inside my chest, then split, like a fissure opening in a glacier. The hard knot of my magic, the part of me that has felt in danger of unraveling when I push myself too hard, splits completely apart.
I gasp, because it hurts.
It hurts so much my mouth opens on a scream I cannot make. It hurts so much that I black out.
For the second time in less than a single day, I wake on a cold floor. I’ve been there long enough for frost to settle over my skin, sparkling along my arms and stiffening my dress.
I push myself to my hands and knees. The remains of stick soldiers are scattered around me, among berries and branches and chunks of snow that might have once been stuck in their chests.
What could have happened here? My memories are tangled things, like the stems growing from Mab’s bones.
Kneeling and shaking with something that cannot be cold, I put my hand against the ice beneath me, noting spiderweb patterns, as though it were the shattered glass of a windshield, broken but not yet come apart. Staggering across the throne room, I crawl to the tunnel.
There, I close my eyes again. When I open them, I am not sure if it is moments later or hours. I feel leaden, sluggish.
With astonishment, I realize my tongue is in my mouth. It feels odd to have it there. Thick and heavy. I cannot decide if it is swollen or if I am just oddly conscious of it.
“I’m scared,” I whisper to myself. Because it’s true. Because I need to know if my tongue belongs to me and will say the things I mean it to. “I’m so tired. I’m so tired of being scared.”
I recall Madoc and his advice. To sink my teeth into something. To take this castle and all of Lady Nore’s lands for myself. To stop waiting for permission. To stop caring what others think or feel or want.
Idly, I imagine myself in control of the Ice Citadel. Lady Nore, not just beaten, but gone. Elfhame, glad of my service. So glad they are willing to name me the queen of these lands. And had I control of Mab’s remains, if I could harness the power that Lady Nore has? Perhaps I would be someone his sisters might consider a fitting bride for Oak then, with a dowry like that.
The fantasy of buying my way into being acceptable to his sisters should make me resentful, but instead fills me with satisfaction. That even Vivienne, the eldest, who shuddered at the idea of my being bound to her precious brother, might desire me to sit at their table. Might see my sharp-toothed smile and smile in return.
And Oak . . .
He would think . . .
I catch myself before I build a sugary confection of a fantasy.
One in which, once again, I seek permission. Besides, I do not control the Citadel, no less Lady Nore.
Not yet.
I walk out the doors of the throne room and up winding ice steps toward the floors above. I hear voices just as I turn.
A patrol of two ex-falcons and a troll spots me. For a long moment, we stare at one another.
“How did you escape the dungeon?” one of them demands, forgetting I cannot speak.
I run, but they grab me. The chase is over fast. It’s not as though I was really trying to get away.
Lady Nore is in her bedroom when I am brought before her. Three falcons—real birds, their curse as yet unbroken—sit on the serpent mirror above her dressing table and on the back of her chair.
My gaze goes to their hooked beaks and black eyes. All Lady Nore has been able to do for them is feed them and wait. But having broken Hyacinthe’s binding, I wonder if I could break theirs. If I could, would they be loyal to me, as they are to her?
I wonder what it would be like, to never have to be alone.
“Sneaky little girl,” says Lady Nore indulgently. She reaches out and twirls my hair around her finger. “This is how I remember you, stealing through my castle like a thief.”
Poor Wren, I hope my expression conveys. So sad. And her mouth hurts.
Lady Nore sees only her simple daughter, sculpted from snow. A disappointment many times over.
Now that my tongue is regrown through the strange magic of Mab’s bones, I could open my mouth and make her into my marionette, to dance when I pulled her strings.
And yet, instead I bow my head, knowing she will like that. Stalling for time. Once I begin, I will have to get everything exactly right.
“And quiet,” she says, smiling at her own jest. “I remember that, too.”
What I recall is the depth of my fear, the tide of it sweeping me away from myself. I hope I can mimic that expression and not show her what I actually feel—a rage that is as thick and sticky and sweet as honey.
I’m tired of being scared.
“Say nothing until I allow it,” I tell her. My voice sounds strange, hoarse, the way it did when I first spoke with Oak.