But then there was Hayes. When I got away from him, I could see our relationship was dysfunctional. But when he was here, so hot and focused on me, it felt like maybe that was my cross to bear, a part of the story of our lives that was playing out. I had loved him for so long sometimes it felt more like a habit than an actual choice.
I looked from Conner to Hayes. It wasn’t like I was choosing between them. I mean, I had only known Conner for a few days. I’d known Hayes for ten years. Didn’t I owe it to him to hash this out?
“Julia,” Hayes said. “Can you please tell this person to leave so we can talk?”
I turned back to Conner. He was so darn cute. Not five minutes ago, I had wanted nothing more than to vacation fling my heart out with him. I sighed. It wasn’t like I could tell the fiancé I had left at the altar to hit the road, right? “I guess you should probably go.”
Hayes smiled victoriously. I rolled my eyes. “You didn’t win a competition, Hayes. I’m not taking you back. But I don’t want Conner to have to be in the middle of our drama.”
Conner squeezed my wrist. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“You will not call her tomorrow,” Hayes said sternly.
Conner turned to look back at him, icily. “Oh, I assure you, I will.”
“Okay,” I said, sensing that this was going to get heated if I didn’t intervene. “Thank you, Conner. I will talk to you then.”
Hayes looked furious. As Conner’s footsteps started down the stairs, I said, “So what did you think, Hayes? You’d just come here, I’d fall into your arms, and we’d get married beneath the stars?”
He was instantly sheepish. “Maybe not married right away…”
“I don’t trust you,” I said. “That’s it. Breaking off our wedding wasn’t a dramatic stunt so we could have amazing make-up sex. It was a true and honest breakup, a declaration that this isn’t the right path for me.”
The hurt was all over his face. But I had to make things clear once and for all.
“But this is what we do,” he said, his voice smooth and overly calm, as if trying to hide his shock. “We break up, we realize we can’t be apart, and we get back together. We’re between steps two and three now, although I hope we’re closer to three so we can enjoy our vacation.” He stepped closer to me, putting his hand on my hip. “Babe, I love you. We’re meant to be.”
I knew what was coming next because he had done it to me so many times I couldn’t even count.
“That night I saw you in the parking lot after we lost State to you guys…”
This was where I was supposed to say, I saw you leaning against your open tailgate, tears in your eyes, and I had to comfort you.
But I didn’t say it. Nope. Not this time.
Hayes, noticing my hesitation, filled in my part. “And you said, ‘But Hayes, if we never lose, we don’t know how good it can feel to win.’？”
This was usually when my heart softened, when I reasoned that, sure, maybe we had lost for a minute, but we had found our way back to each other. This was the part when he would kiss me and the heat between us took over. But as he leaned in this time, something happened. Something different. You deserve better, ran through my mind.
I pushed him away. “No,” I said. “Nope. Not happening.”
Hayes threw his hands up in the air. “Julia, you’re being so unreasonable. Everyone knows we’re supposed to be together.”
“Everyone except me,” I said resolutely. “We’ve broken up and gotten back together too many times for this to be right. After junior homecoming, when you flirted with April Moore instead of dancing with me during Senior Beach Week, when you were wasted for five days straight, and then again during my junior year of college, when you kept ignoring my calls. Don’t forget my first work Christmas party, when you acted like an ass to my boss. And then last January, when I thought you were sleeping with a coworker. We’re not doing this again.”
He shook his head and sat down in one of the rocking chairs on the small porch. I looked into his face and saw what I loved most about him: his vulnerability. He didn’t show this side of himself to anyone else, and I think that was what usually made me ignore his indiscretions, pretend not to know what was going on when I wasn’t around. I was the only one who could fix him. But I couldn’t do that anymore.
I sat down in the rocking chair beside him. “I’ve thought about this a lot. I really have. Call me old-fashioned, but I want my husband to be all mine.”
“But I will be!” he interjected. “Why can’t you understand that? Yeah, I’m not perfect, but Jules, I swear to God, I have only ever loved you. And I promise you that once we’re married I will never even look at another woman. Don’t you believe that?”
“I want to,” I said. “But I don’t think it’s your nature. And that’s okay. You’ll find your person. But I’m not going to trap you in this box when I know I’m setting us both up for failure.” I paused. It didn’t matter now, did it? But I had to know. “How long were you sleeping with Chrissy Matthews?”
He exhaled sharply, stood up, and started pacing. I knew I had shocked him because he was right: this was our pattern. I was embarrassed that it had taken me this long to realize it—and to recognize that it was destructive. When Babs or Sarah, who were the only real insiders, would point out their concerns, I reasoned that they’d never known love like this. It was only now that I could see they had been right all along: this wasn’t love; it was a vicious cycle.
He paused, obviously debating whether he should tell the truth about Chrissy. Finally, he spoke. “Okay, so I slept with her a couple times,” he said sheepishly. “I’m not proud of it, and I never wanted to hurt you.”
I knew it. But hearing him say it still hurt. “A couple times?”
He waved his hand. “A few. But it was stupid and I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He got down on his knees in front of me. “You’re my family, Jules. Your family is my family. Your mom was the one who took me to get my wisdom teeth out and your dad coached my travel basketball team. We’ve been on every family vacation together for years. Remember when we went to Key West and the streets flooded and we ran around barefoot for days in the rain?” He was talking fast now, almost frantically.
I remembered. And it hurt to let it go. “Surely you don’t want to live the rest of your life like this. Do you want to be eighty and relying on some stories from when we were sixteen to keep us together?”
He got up and started pacing again, glaring at me. “Is this about him? Is this about Conner?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yes. It is. I’m throwing away a decade because of an architect I met in the airport. Come on, Hayes.”
“Well, is it about that rumor with Selena because—”
I put my hand up. I might not always trust this man, but after she called, I was absolutely certain that Selena from HR was not interested in Hayes from Investments.
“No, Hayes. If this is about anyone it’s Chrissy Matthews, but that isn’t even really it. And you know it.”