Heading out to the kitchen, I’m surprised when I see Kaiden and Dad eating breakfast.
“The girls can see you in an hour,” Cam tells me happily. “I think we should make a day of it. We can get breakfast on the way if you’d like, and maybe do some shopping at the mall afterwards. It’ll be fun.”
I haven’t had a girl’s day in a long time. Grandma took me with her shortly before I moved to pick out some new clothes, but I only left with a new pair of shoes and some books. It was more about spending time with her than getting anything, and I know she didn’t have a lot of money to spare since starting to help Mama pay the bills.
I smile and tell Cam I’d like that. It’s not a lie, either. Knowing that Dad talked to Cam about his past, about us, makes me like her a little more than after the blowout. She’s done nothing but show me kindness, so there’s no reason not to like her.
Kaiden eyes me and then his mom, his lips twitching like he wants to say something. To my surprise, he doesn’t. Instead, he stuffs more food into his mouth and ignores me completely. I don’t miss the way his jaw ticks like he’s pissed.
We leave shortly after. Dad gives me money for the mall, which I have no intention of spending. I never like taking handouts, especially from him. It already feels like I’m doing that daily by living in his home. Taking his money for anything I want seems like pushing things too far.
After we pick up some breakfast from the McDonald’s drive through, I turn to Cam and pick at my hash brown. “What did you mean earlier when you said Dad didn’t tell Kaiden about the past for a specific reason?”
Cam lets out a soft sigh. “Kaiden is a tough boy to understand because he puts up walls to protect himself. He gets that from his father, I suppose.”
I’m quiet as I wait for her to continue.
Her grip on the wheel tightens. “My ex-husband’s name was Adam. He was the type of man who bottled everything inside until it destroyed him. No matter how much I tried helping him or understanding what he was going through, he wouldn’t let me. Adam had multiple health conditions. He struggled with pain and depression which made him irritable. Inevitably, that’s what broke us up. He hated people helping him like he was…”
“Useless?”
She glances at me. “Yes. In his mind, he wasn’t the picture-perfect man. He struggled keeping up with work because of his chronic pain, he had brain fog which made remembering things difficult, and during depressive episodes, he’d lash out. He got fired from multiple jobs, which left us financially disadvantaged. We had to file for bankruptcy when he couldn’t find new work because my job could only pay so much.
“Through all of this, he put being a husband and father behind everything else. He stewed in his misery. He neglected Kaiden no matter how hard Kaiden tried getting his father’s attention, and it was heartbreaking to watch. Eventually, Adam became emotionally, and at times physically, abusive because he couldn’t deal with how things had turned out. He’d always prided himself in being the breadwinner, in being strong. His illness took that away from him until he lost everything he thought he should be.
“Kaiden had trouble understanding why his father did the things he did,” she explains, slowing for a stoplight. “He was young when his father started turning into a different man. He always looked up to Adam, and it was heartbreaking to see the way Adam would treat him as though he couldn’t stand the attention Kaiden gave him. When I filed for divorce, Adam didn’t fight me on it. He didn’t even want Kaiden around, even though Kaiden begged to stay with Adam when I started packing our things. I couldn’t let him do that. Adam wasn’t taking care of himself. He refused to see a doctor or forgo any type of treatment for his pain. No matter how much research I did, he wouldn’t accept that he could get better.
“About three months after I moved into a new place with Kaiden, I got a call from a local hospital that Adam had gotten into an accident. I was still his emergency contact, so I had my mother watch Kaiden so I could drive to see him. The doctor said they found a tumor that was putting pressure on his brainstem. It was causing an array of symptoms, mostly neurological but also misfiring the pain receptors throughout his body. His original fibromyalgia diagnosis wasn’t technically wrong, it just wasn’t the reason he was truly sick. By the time they found it, it was inoperable. The only solace we got was a final explanation over why the man I fell in love with changed so drastically. He couldn’t control how he felt because his brain wasn’t working the way it needed to. He refused to see Kaiden because he didn’t want Kaiden seeing him like that. Withering away in a hospital room.
“Sometimes, I wish I had brought Kaiden anyway. I know he’s angry with me for keeping him from his father. He knew he was sick, but he never…” She lets out a shaky breath. “I never told him about the tumor. I should have, but he was still young, and I didn’t think he’d understand. But the boy I raised who loved life and looked up to his father became so much like his dad before Adam’s death. I worry that I messed up having a relationship with him all because I kept the truth from him. Now he won’t look at me, he’ll barely speak to me…”
My chest aches for Cam. She fights off a frown but loses the battle. Her lips weigh downward as she watches the road. “You could always tell him now.”
She nods slowly. “I could. I want to. Adam was always the type of man who worried about his appearance. Not just physically, but people’s perception of him. He didn’t want anyone to know how sick he was, especially Kaiden.”
I cringe, knowing what I said to Dad at the restaurant must have hurt Cam in ways I never intended.
“Even after all these years without Adam, I feel like telling Kaiden will break the promise I made to him. I want Kaiden to remember his father in a good way, but I just don’t want to lose him. When I told your father about this, he felt like telling Kaiden about your illness, about your sister’s, may bring up too many memories.”
My lips twitch. “Don’t you think he’ll figure it out eventually? I’m not going to get better, Cam. I may be out of the house by the time things progress, but there’s still a lot that doctors don’t know about lupus. I’m not guaranteed to be this functional months from now.”
She presses her lips together and stays quiet, absorbing the truth in my words. “You’re right. Your father is just protective of me. He knows how much I want Kaiden to heal from what happened.”
“Does…” I hesitate. “Kaiden knows that his father is dead, right?”
She turns to me in surprise. “Of course. Why do you ask?”
I shake my head, not wanting her to know that Kaiden acts like his dad lives somewhere else. The way he talked about him at school made it seem like he up and left them to be with another family or something. Maybe it’s his way of coping, but it won’t get him anywhere.
“He’ll be angrier if he finds out we’ve kept it from him,” I say instead. “The thing about chronic illness is that you never know what you’re going to feel like when you wake up every day. It’s a new battle, because the good days don’t mean that you don’t hurt, they just mean that you can tolerate the pain better. I could wake up tomorrow and struggle to get out of bed. I could miss more days of school. He’s not stupid, Cam.”