Mama wheels me back to my room, greeting the nurses that say hello and ask if we need anything.
Mama. That’s all I need.
Once the nurses are done checking my vitals and it’s just Mama and me, she tells me about the friends she’s making. The understanding she’s accepting about how it all went wrong…and in many ways right.
“I’m sorry, Emery,” she whispers, stroking my hand with her thumb.
Sorry for shutting down.
Sorry for abandoning me.
Sorry for not realizing it sooner…
“It’s okay,” I tell her honestly.
Mama brought me to Dad. To Cam. To Kaiden. Her understanding that she couldn’t take care of me the way I needed brought back my father and more family that I had no clue I needed. She gave me a best friend when I lost the only one I ever knew, and an innocent love that I would have never felt otherwise.
I love Kaiden.
Like a friend. My best friend.
Like family.
I move over and slowly pat the empty spot beside me. “You gave me so much, Mama. We can’t change what’s happened and I don’t want to. Everything happens for a reason, right?”
She swallows. “Yeah, Sunshine. It does.”
Mama curls up in bed beside me, wrapping her arms around my body, careful not to tug on the wires and tubes. Her face is wet, matching my own damp cheeks. Her head rests on the same pillow mine does.
Sometimes words aren’t enough.
Sometimes nothing has to be said at all.
Mama opens her lips…and starts singing.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy, when skies are gray.
You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you…
Her words become suffocated by fragmented shards of emotion that slice the open air between us as the machines make pitiful noises.
“Please don’t take my sunshine away.”
Epilogue
Kaiden
Three fucking days. She lasted three days after being admitted before her mother’s wails chimed louder than the flat lining machines. It was long enough for her to submit finals from her hospital room and be considered a senior in high school for the new school year.
All she wanted was to finish junior year.
Security had to escort me out when I put my fist through the wall, and Mom didn’t talk to me until I calmed down outside.
Emery wore a fucking UM sweatshirt before she fell asleep on that too-tiny bed, and sure enough there was a makeshift patch with my name on the very back. Her eyes never opened back up though.
She never officially said goodbye.
I promise I’ll be at every single game.
She lied.
One Year Later
Rain nearly cancels our biggest game of the year, which half the upperclassman bitched about considering it was their last one before graduating from the University of Maryland. We worked our asses off in practice, and won almost every game against the other college teams. I could see their disgruntlement.
Then it happens.
The fucking sunshine.
The dispersing clouds.
The rainbow.
Once upon a time, I’d been told by a girl full of hope that her twin sister looked down at her from the sky. I thought it was bullshit. As much bullshit as the damn song she loved listening to that I can’t stand hearing when it comes on.
But there it is.
The weather report told us we were done for since we woke up. Ninety-nine percent chance of thunderstorms and rain showers. High winds.
We were fucked.
We were supposed to be fucked.
Someone slaps my back. “Is that a miracle, or what?”
Murphy was a dipshit who spent more time high than sober, but he was still one of my closest friends. He left me be when I got moody and distracted me with pot and girls when I sulked for too long.
He also kicked ass on the field.
I stare up at the sun. “Yeah. A miracle.”
I think about the two matching headstones underneath the sycamore tree in Bakersfield all while staring up at the sun beaming down on my teammates.
“Let’s kick some ass,” Murphy shouts, getting equal enthusiastic yells from everyone around us.
Two Years Later
There’s a knock at my apartment door that peels my eyes off the football game on the screen. Setting my beer down, I smack a half-drunken Murphy and shuffle over to see if our other friend Spencer decided to show up.
I don’t expect to see a tiny little redhead on the other side of the door.
“You’re not Spencer.”
Her eyes widen. It’s dark, but the porch light makes the color staring up at me an eerie tone of crystal blue.
“Uh…no. I’m Piper.” She shifts something in her hands to jab behind her. “I live next door with my friend. Anyway, this was delivered to our place. It has your address on it.”
Shoving the box toward me, my face scrunches when I see my name on the flap. Mom must have sent another care package and wanted to surprise me.
“Thanks,” I murmur, putting it under my arm and grabbing the door to close it. “Well…”
Nodding, she steps back and tugs on the oversized UM sweatshirt she’s wearing. It’s the same one Emery wore when she…
I clear my throat. “Bye.”
Her lips part when I close the door, not thinking about much except what’s inside the parcel. Setting it on the coffee table and taking another swig of my beer, I rip off the tape and open the flaps.
Murphy mumbles before passing back out, half draped on the couch and half hanging off. Rolling my eyes, I pick up a glass jar full of…paper?
“What the…？”
At closer glance, I recognize some of the colorful post-its inside. When I unscrew the top and pull one out, my jaw grinds.
They’re the post-its I left for Em.
Stupid pictures of cartoon objects and animals with sayings only she’d get. Insults. Taunts. Nicknames.
She saved them all?
Pulling a few more out, I notice some that aren’t mine. The drawings aren’t very good, and half of them are smudged like she kept running her hand across the ink.
I can still tell what they are.
A lacrosse stick.
The UM emblem.
Sunshine.
One of them has words.
If you don’t go to UM, I’ll haunt you.
A choked laugh escapes me and Murphy jerks up, falling off the couch. He lands with a loud thud on the floor before groaning. I snort and nudge his leg with my foot.
“You good down there?”
He mumbles something unintelligent.
I nod, going back to the post-its.
The very first mouse I drew for her is resting in front of me. Brushing my fingers against the aged paper, I manage to smile before clearing my throat and putting all of them back into the jar.
There’s a note from Mom.
Henry found these in Emery’s room. He said you’d want them.
Palming my face, I take the jar to my room and place it on my dresser. The Valentine’s card I got for her is resting there too, something I grabbed before I moved.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I stare at the new addition to my space before grabbing my phone and typing out a text to Mom. She responds almost instantaneously.
Mom:
Love you too, baby boy. And your little sister says hi.
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Author’s Note
I know what you must be thinking. Screw you, Barbara. Am I right?
First off, I’m sorry for the emotions you’re probably feeling right now. For the record, I loved Emery too. In fact, I am Emery. That’s why I needed to write this book in all it’s raw, real glory. I knew how it’d end. It’s a fear of mine that I’ve battled since I realized something was wrong with me.