She started sobbing again. It was like she had an endless supply of tears. “I don’t think I can. I think to keep going will end me. It will definitely end my marriage. But at the same time, how can I give up when there’s still a chance? When I’ve still got healthy embryos on ice?”
“Do you need someone to give you permission to stop?”
Simone looked up sharply. How can she know that? More tears, falling and falling, dripping off her nose and chin in a stream.
“Yes!” she managed to gasp out.
Star nodded and said quietly, looking into her sister’s eyes, “I give you permission to stop. You’ve tried really hard. And now it’s okay to stop.”
There was more to be said. Things that she couldn’t say to anyone else, even Evette, for shame and fear of judgment. Star listened, never taking her eyes off her, prompting Simone gently when the silences fell and asking questions about terms she was unfamiliar with. After an hour, Simone was tired of the sound of her own voice, and she felt sure her sister must be too, but Star remained attentive.
The hours ticked past. It was gone two o’clock when they climbed the stairs, and Star, dressed in a pair of Simone’s pajamas with the legs and sleeves rolled up, climbed into bed with her sister.
“I love you, Twinkle-Star.”
“I love you too, Simona-Mona.”
They slept in a spoon shape, Star’s arm draped over Simone’s waist, Simone holding her sister’s hand to her chest in both of hers, just like they used to when they were children. Evette had been right: Simone did need her sisters.
29
Star had called a family meeting. She had made up her mind last night, lying beside Simone, who had fallen into a heavy exhausted sleep. But to be sure, she had spent all day listening to her inner self, meditating and testing that her determination stood firm in the cold light of day. It did.
On this chilly Tuesday evening, they were now sitting in the cozy sitting room in Augustus’s flat. Star had lit candles along the fireplace and an incense stick smoked lazily on the coffee table.
She had deftly navigated the conversation around to Simone, and after some gentle cajoling, Simone had opened up to Maggie in the way she had to her the night before. It was important that Maggie knew the full story before Star made her proposal.
“The thing is,” she began when Simone had finished speaking. Suddenly she felt nervous. “The reason I called this family meeting is because, well, I’ve thought a lot about it, and I know this is the right thing for me and I think for you too . . .”
“Star, you’re jabbering. Stop it,” said Simone, blowing her nose after having sobbed unashamedly for the second time in as many days. Maggie was crying too. Their sister’s sudden uninhibited displays had left the other two without an emotional rudder, and the result was blubbing havoc.
“Sorry.” Star took a breath. “The thing is this. I could have it for you, your baby. I could have your baby for you if you’d like me to.”
Maggie let out a breath in surprise, while Simone glared at Star, as though this was a joke that she didn’t find funny. When no one spoke for a full minute, the vibe in the room began to feel uncomfortable, and Star wondered if she’d made a monumental faux pas. But she rode the discomfort because this felt like the right thing to do, something she knew she could do for her sister that maybe no one else could.
“You mean, like surrogacy?” Maggie ventured.
“Yes. Only, I wouldn’t want paying. I might need help with expenses, but otherwise it would be a simple case of me growing your child for you and then handing it over.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” said Simone.
“Of course.”
More blank looks.
“When you think about it, it’s actually very simple. You really want children, you haven’t been able to get pregnant yet, and I know that I can get pregnant, so it makes sense.”
Simone winced but recovered herself and said cautiously, “A somewhat generalized statement, but there is truth to it, unfortunately.”
But Maggie had picked up on something else. “What do you mean ‘you know you can get pregnant’？”
Star shifted in her seat. She looked at Simone, unsure how her next confession would go down with a woman who was desperate to have a baby. But if she was going to do this, it would doubtlessly come out in the course of doctors’ appointments down the line. She took a deep breath and began. “I was fifteen. I knew I couldn’t keep it, I could barely look after myself, I was in no way equipped to have a baby.”
She gave her sisters a moment to let this sink in.
“Was it Troy’s?” Simone was bristling.
“No, it wasn’t Troy’s.” she snapped. “I existed outside of Rowan Thorp, you know.”
“Of course, sorry,” said Simone.
Star shook off her annoyance. She’d never really discussed this with anyone, and though she knew she’d done absolutely the right thing, she couldn’t help feeling defensive.
“I made a silly mistake with a friend of a friend I’d met at a party. We’d both had too much to drink. I’d never really believed the teachers at school when they’d said it only took one slipup. I sort of thought they were just scaremongering. But there we are.”
“Did you tell him? About the pregnancy?” asked Simone.
“No. I didn’t see him again after the party. And anyway, what would be the point? He wouldn’t have been any more ready to become a parent than I was. It would only have complicated things.”
“But your mum helped you . . . sort everything out?” asked Maggie.
“God no! She was in one of her delicate spiritual states. But I told Troy. I’d found out just before I was due to come here for the summer, and although I knew I couldn’t keep it, I didn’t know how to go about getting an abortion. I couldn’t tell my mum. I’d hoped you’d both be here, and I’d tell you and you’d help me. But you weren’t. So I blurted it all out to Troy on my first night back, and together we told his mum. She was great. She spoke to Dad, and between us all we managed to get it done. Simone, you always wondered why Troy and I are so close—that’s why.”
“How did we not know about this?” asked Maggie.
“You weren’t around, either of you. You’d pretty much ditched Rowan Thorp by that time.” And me! she didn’t say, but the inference wasn’t lost on her sisters. She didn’t want to feel her old hurts, but it was impossible not to when reliving them like this.
“You could have called us,” said Simone.
Her signature defensiveness acted like a flame to Star’s touch paper. She’d made calls, but they were never returned.
“Really?” Her chin jutted out in defiance. “I literally didn’t hear from you for like two years, longer for Maggie. You just stopped coming. I was all alone. Summer used to be my favorite time of the year because I got to see my big sisters, and then suddenly it was like I didn’t even exist. I was all alone!” she repeated. She thought she had laid those ghosts to rest, but apparently not; the sting of abandonment was fresh.
Simone shook her head and muttered “Shit!” under her breath and then said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t think. I was a teenager, wrapped up in my own dramas. I guess I never thought about it from your point of view. I just felt like I was too old for playing in tree houses . . .”