Star shook her head.
“I’ll be just over there,” said Duncan, pointing to the wooden bench outside the post office.
She couldn’t deny she felt a thrill that Duncan wanted to watch over her. Finally, it was just her and Stu outside the shop.
“How have you been?” he asked. One of his knees bounced blurrily fast as though of its own accord, but she could tell from his eyes that he wasn’t high. They both folded themselves down onto the stone doorstep to the shop. Within seconds she felt the cold seeping through her velvet trousers.
“Good. You?”
“Some and some,” he said.
She noticed his hands were shaking. He clearly had something to say, but he was having trouble getting the words out.
“So what brings you here?” she asked.
“I’m going into rehab.”
“Stu, that’s great news. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thanks. I think I finally hit the bottom, after a lot of looking for it. I OD’d in a park. A dog walker found me.” He gave a nervous laugh, as though he was telling a funny story rather than talking about a near-death experience.
“Not with the money Simone gave you?” She felt suddenly sick.
“No! God no, I blew that before the next morning. This was five days ago.”
She nodded. “I’m so sorry you went through that.”
He smiled at her sadly. “It was only a matter of time. I’m surprised it hadn’t happened before.”
“And now you’re going to rehab, a fresh start. When do you go?”
“Tonight. My brother’s taking me.” He motioned toward the car parked across the street. She squinted and waved. The driver wound down his window.
“Hey, Star,” he said. “All right?”
“Yeah, Paul. You good?”
“I’ll be better when I’ve got this wally into rehab.” He smiled. “You look well. It’s nice here, it suits you.”
“Thanks.”
Paul wound his window back up and went back to staring ahead. Across the way, Duncan was doing his own staring, each lookout giving his charge a bit of space.
“I wanted to see you before I went in. I need to apologize for so many things I don’t even know where to begin.” He ran his hand through his hair. “You put up with such a lot from me . . .”
“I could’ve done more to help you . . .”
“No, Star, please don’t ever think that.” He sounded desperately sincere but also like he was worried that if he didn’t say his piece now, he would lose his nerve. “That’s why I’m here. To take responsibility. To apologize for all the things I’ve done to you. You didn’t deserve any of it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all of it. I needed to say it to your face, so that you know I mean it. I couldn’t go into rehab without giving you that much.”
She felt a rush of affection for her old friend and lover. They’d been through a lot together over the last six years. Two lost souls careering through life in a haze of ecstasy and desolation.
“Thank you,” she said. Her hands were cold, and her bottom was numb, but she felt a peace she hadn’t known in a long time, as though Stu had taken a heavy burden from her.
“I know I have no right to ask this. And, full disclosure, the program at the center warns against starting relationships during rehab, but I wonder if you would wait for me? I want to be with you. I’ll get my shit together and I’ll be a better man. I need someone to be good for. I don’t know if I can do it for myself.”
A part of her would always love Stu, but not in the way he would want, and he would never understand if she tried to explain it to him. His was a personality that didn’t deal in nuance, only obsession or indifference. She didn’t want to be the reason he failed in rehab; she knew how delicate his emotional state was. For a fleeting moment, she considered agreeing to wait for him, just so that he would go into rehab with a sense of hope. She could break things off when he was clean. But that wouldn’t be fair on either of them. Saying yes to Stu would mean closing the door on her and Duncan. She reasoned, judging by the past couple of days, that door may already have closed. But if there was even the slightest chance, she refused to sabotage it.
“I can’t. I’m sorry,” she whispered. She steeled herself for his reaction. She never knew which way he would go.
He bowed his head. Six years of “if only”s swam before her eyes.
Tears poured down his cheeks. They sat like that until his brother wound the window down and said kindly, “Stu, mate. It’s time to go.”
He nodded.
“I wish you all the best. I really do,” she whispered. “You can do this. You know that, don’t you? I believe in you.”
Stu took her cold hand and kissed it before standing up. She stayed where she was.
“Goodbye, Heavenly-Stargazer Rosehip North.”
And with that, he strode round to the passenger side of his brother’s car and climbed in. The engine sounded loud in the quiet street. Paul gave Star a wave that was part salute and drove slowly out of the village.
She rested her chin in her hands, closed her eyes, and took a few deep steadying breaths. Nostalgia was an intoxicating perfume that could cloud judgment. She had loved him for a long time, but there were no roads that led back to him now. Maybe there were none that led to Duncan either. But she needed to be true to herself, and if that meant going it alone, well, that was good too; she’d never been afraid of her own company. When she opened her eyes again, she saw a pair of long, denim-clad legs in front of her. She looked up to find Duncan standing there. He held out his hands and she took them, allowing him to pull her up to standing. Her legs were stiff with cold, and her knees ached.
“He’s gone.” She didn’t trust her own voice yet. “Into rehab. He just wanted to apologize, go in with a clean slate, I guess.”
“I thought he might be asking you to get back with him.”
She sighed. “That too. But I said no.”
Neither of them spoke. She was suddenly very tired.
“Thank you for sitting out in the cold. It was very kind of you to watch over me.”
“My pleasure,” said Duncan.
“Well. Good night.”
He nodded once, turned, and walked away.
* * *
She undressed and climbed into bed. There was sadness, yes, but her decisions were sound, and they were the right ones for her. She had freed herself from Stu and she would give her sister a baby—there was much comfort in that.
41
“This is very gentlemanly of you, Patrick, but you really don’t need to walk me home. You can see the cottage from the high street,” Simone said.
“It’s no bother. You can never be too careful.”
“All right, you got me.”
“It’s nice having you and Aunty Star here. Mum really loves it.”
“I never thought I’d say it, but I like being here.” She paused. “I feel like I haven’t been the best aunty to you and Verity. I’ve not been very present for the last few years.” She felt embarrassed, ashamed even, of the distance she’d kept.
Patrick shrugged. They were almost to the picket fence of the cottage.