Kat’s chin wobbled like she might cry. Then she laughed. A laugh of relief. Of surprise. Of pleasure.
The most perfect sound I ever heard.
She looked up at me as if to check I saw the same thing she did. When I nodded, she flung her arms around me and buried her face in my chest.
I’d have been a liar if I said I didn’t love it, seizing the opportunity to hold her close. “You will learn to control this gift, Kat. But in the meantime, you’re not alone.”
She pulled back, eyes glassy-bright as she looked up at me. In a small voice she said, “It feels like I am.”
“No, you’re not. You have Ella and Perry, Rose and Ari, and… And I’m here.” I wanted to say “you have me” but stopped myself. If I’d been drinking arianmêl, I would’ve spouted that and all sorts of things I shouldn’t. Enjoying myself too much in Lunden had made it harder to keep myself reined in now I was home.
“Now you are, but…”
“I know. My work.” I sighed and pushed the hair from her face. “I need you to be brave for me, Kat. You can face this. I know you can.”
She frowned. “I don’t feel very brave.”
“You’re the Wicked Lady.”
“She wasn’t brave, just desperate.”
I shook my head, not understanding her distinction.
“We needed food. If I couldn’t get it…” She shivered against me. “Once, early in our marriage, Robin and I were attacked on the road.” She winced as though she hated the reminder of her husband even more than I did. “The highwayman took a tidy sum from us that night. A few months later, I found Robin’s papers showing all his debts.”
Every muscle thrummed as I held myself very still. After seeing the bruise on Kat’s cheek, I’d asked Asher to pay him a visit to make sure he understood that he wasn’t welcome in the same room as his wife, whatever he thought his marriage entitled him to.
I hadn’t trusted myself to face him. Not with our mission so close to success. Ripping apart one of her subjects with my shadows wouldn’t have gone down too well with the human queen.
“His debts?” I prompted her, since she seemed lost in thought.
“I did what I could.” She shrugged. “Sold some furniture, the silverware, gilded candlesticks—that sort of thing. But once that was gone… I couldn’t sell any land or the house. I couldn’t get a job. Robin had already used my dowry to get a creditor off his back… and buy himself a new wardrobe.” Her smile could’ve cut glass. “I had no option. The only way I could see to make money…”
“Was the Wicked Lady,” I said into the silence she left hanging.
“So you see, she’s an invention of desperation, not a sign of bravery.”
I frowned at her until she cocked her head in question. “And yet you faced me down on the road. You spied on me. You let me have you in a number of compromising positions, one time in front of dozens of other people. You rode in that race and kept yourself together when you dangled over the waterfall, inches from death. You shot a fucking Horror in the eye.”
Her laugh was dismissive, as if everyone did such things. “I was terrified the whole time.”
“We only get to be brave when we’re afraid.”
Her face dropped. She blinked, and I could see her replaying what I’d just said.
“You are brave, Kat. Probably the bravest person I know. It’s just… somewhere along the way, you convinced yourself that you weren’t.”
She shook her head and went to reply—to argue, no doubt.
“My father told me that who you really are is what you do when no one else is looking.” The words unfolded in me together with a deeper truth. “You, Katherine, are only yourself when no one else is looking. The rest of it? It’s a mask you wear to keep yourself safe.”
Brow creased, she turned to the aconite. “Maybe what you think is a mask is the real me.”
But she didn’t sound as sure as she had earlier.
I’d take that as progress.
35
Kat
The day after the party, I woke late. Even Bastian did, grabbing a slice of toast off my plate on his way out. A different kind of quiet stood between us—not the stiff silence we’d shared initially or the charged one after our trip to Innesol, but a softer one. A moment after he left, he stuck his head back through the door. “We’ll talk later about that thing you wanted to tell me. Wait up for me?”
I nodded, then he was gone, his smile leaving a flicker of something running through my belly.
Be sensible, Kat.
That inner voice was right. We’d found a way to live together. I would be cured soon and I’d go home to Morag and Horwich. This was good. I didn’t need anything more—I certainly didn’t need to yearn for anything more.
I smiled and took a sip of coffee. This was good.
Should’ve known it wouldn’t last.
As I finished my breakfast, a message arrived summoning me to an appointment with Elthea. I wrung my hands and didn’t dare look at them, but that didn’t change what the piece of paper said, so I returned to my room to get ready.
The roses had been changed—today’s were a soft lavender hue. I’d learned my lesson from last night and didn’t touch them, but I appreciated the servants’ attention to detail in keeping them fresh and the scent—gods, the scent! It filled the room and despite the appointment, I found myself smiling as I got ready. A short while later, Rose collected me and we set off into the city.
Where Dusk’s side of the palace had become familiar, safe even, now I knew the king was behind unCavendish, it made the city feel more dangerous than before.
That, plus my impending appointment wound my nerves tighter as we snaked through the streets. I needed a distraction as I scanned the faces we passed, wondering if any of them were spies. Had I seen that person before? Were they following me?
“What do fae mean by ‘oathbreaker?’”
A man passing gasped and shot me a glare before striding off.
I winced, pulling my coat tighter. “Something bad, I’m guessing.”
Rose glanced around, but no one else was close enough to hear. “Be careful using that word. It’s one of their worst insults. Where did you hear it?”
“Last night. Someone called Bastian one.”
Her expression darkened. It ill-suited her but matched the overcast day perfectly. “I can only think of one reason they’d call him that. Word must’ve reached the city about your marriage.”
My stomach dipped like I’d missed a step. “How do you know about that?”
She offered me her arm and bent closer when I took it, protected by her sleeve and my gloves. “Bastian told me. The way he acted when he carried you through the shadow door made it obvious how he felt about you, but he didn’t tell me anything else. Clearly something happened in Lunden—I’m just not sure what… or what the situation is with your husband.” Her eyebrows rose slowly.
I explained the bare bones of my arranged marriage and that Bastian had found out only after knowing me for months. I let her fill in how our relationship had been progressing and the brick wall it had ploughed into with the arrival of my husband.