“I need to talk to someone about something personal before I go, and you’re the ideal candidate… the only candidate, actually.”
“Oh!” She flopped back in the seat with a chuckle. “I’m here as your friend, not employee. Thank fuck for that! I thought you wanted to send me and Faolán instead.”
With a laugh, my tension melted. “You’re safe. Her Majesty doesn’t trust this to anyone else.” Partially true, but also, no one else could know the true intent. But that was a headache for another day. Between the Solstice attack and this, I had enough to deal with.
“I’ll be gone a while and… obviously, I’m not going alone… and this is sounding all the more stupid the closer I get to saying it. Let’s just forget—”
“Bastian. Please. Spit it out.”
I huffed and closed my eyes. “It’s Katherine.”
“I should’ve known—I’ve never heard you babble so much before.”
That sounded about right. In Lunden, hadn’t she and a single shot of arianmêl turned me into a babbling idiot?
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I shot Rose a pointed look. “Thanks. The problem is we’re going to be alone for the whole journey and… I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
After several silent seconds, Rose shook her head. “I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. What’s so bad about time alone with Kat?”
“I want her, Rose. More than… more than is sensible. And yet…” I raked my hands through my hair, because I didn’t know what the yet was, just that there was one.
“You know, when we found her on the Solstice and you touched her and she woke… I thought you were going to kiss her.”
“So did I.”
“But you didn’t.” She cocked her head. “You’ve pledged your magic to her. She wears your ring. Yet kissing her is out of the question.”
Groaning, I scrubbed my hands over my face. “It sounds even worse when you say it. I… I don’t understand it myself. And that’s the problem. I hoped you might have some insight, since you’ve managed to successfully…” I gestured like there was an amorphous form before me. “Make a relationship happen.”
Her gaze skimmed away as she gave a private little smile, and I wondered how that must feel. To love and be loved. To not be torn apart by your feelings but made whole by them.
I gave a bone-deep sigh. “It’s like my mind isn’t my own, and I don’t want to go away with her while I’m feeling so… unsettled. Logically, I know she’s forgiven me, and now I feel like… like I’ve not just said sorry but shown it. But something inside me…” I pulled on my lower lip as though I could pluck words from this nameless feeling. “At the Solstice, when she and I were about to… it felt like something was wrong. I thought it was my instincts warning me of danger. Then when I thought back on it later, all I could hear was ‘oathbreaker.’”
“I didn’t think you’d be so bothered about her marriage considering what her husband’s like.” Her normally bright expression darkened. “And by that I mean, a total fucking prick.”
“He is. You should meet him, Rose—he really fucking is.” My blood boiled at the fact of his mere existence. “I thought it was just that finding out was a painful shock. I knew so much about the situation, but I hadn’t seen that coming. I’ve had time to get used to the idea now, to understand why she never said. People have shouted that word at me, and it isn’t as bad as I expected. I’m willing, but part of me… isn’t.”
Her lips flattened as she pulled her eyebrows together. “And it goes back to the ‘oathbreaker’ idea?”
“I’m well aware how ridiculous it is. All the things I’ve done and yet this is the line some part of me can’t seem to cross.”
She made a low, thoughtful sound—the cousin of one of Faolán’s hmms. “I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all. In fact, it makes a lot of sense.”
“Then please explain, because I don’t understand.”
“You’ve told me before that you’ve broken laws and… people, right?”
Wincing, I nodded.
“Have you ever broken a contract?”
“No,” I snapped. “Of course not.”
The realisation was like being run over by a whole herd of deer. “Oh. Oh. Fuck.”
Killing. Torturing. Manipulating others. I’d done those things because I had to. The realm was more important than a stain on my soul.
The lives of hundreds of thousands of fae were more important than my father’s.
I’d weighed those things against each other and made my decisions accordingly. One fae was not more important than all fae.
So when they’d called me Serpent, I’d gladly stepped into that role. The snake who had helped create the world, then tried to destroy it. The betrayer.
It had pushed back my father’s death, made it something ordained by fate. It had made me a villain not to be crossed so my queen could be her people’s heroine.
If I had to destroy in order for others to live, so be it.
I wore the name Serpent as a badge of honour. A necessary darkness in the light.
But oathbreaker?
Not that. Never that.
I’d held on to a single ideal, kept every bargain and contract to the letter. I rarely even tried to twist them to my advantage. It was like inside, deep beneath everything else, part of me believed I could be honourable in this one area and that would go some way towards counterbalancing all my wrongs.
Not redemption—I was beyond that—but a dream of it.
I lifted my head, gaze skimming over the panel that hid my secret door. “My speck of light in the dark.”
Slowly, Rose nodded. “A speck you’ve been clinging on to for a long while. Long enough that it’s sunk right down to your subconscious. Deeply held beliefs aren’t easy to escape.”
“But logically—”
“We can’t just logic them away.” She gave a sad smile that said she spoke from experience.
“Hmph. Then, what can I do?”
“Be aware of it. Start arguing back. Decide whether you truly want to give up this belief—whether you’re ready to do that hard work on top of everything else. It will take time, if you do. Well, time or traumatic events.” She spread her hands. “Or, if you want to keep hold of that glimmer of light, you could try plan B.”
“Give up a belief. I’m not even sure how to do that. What’s this other option?”
“Solve the external issue. Resign yourself to waiting until Kat isn’t married. You could help her get a divorce.”
“Or rip him apart with my bare hands.”
She chuckled. “Normally I’d be against casual killing, but after what I’ve heard about him? I can get behind murder.”
Murder or divorce. Or battling a deeply held belief. Nothing in life was ever easy. But Kat was worth it.
We sat a while longer, talking, and while I didn’t have an immediate solution, at least I understood what was holding me back and had a path forward.