Five minutes ago, I would’ve said there’s no possible way I could have sex again without a longer recovery time. Five minutes ago, I would’ve been a goddamn liar. “I’m only a little sore. Nothing you can’t kiss and make better.”
He smiles, some of the shadows fleeing from his expression. “You don’t have to give me an excuse to get my mouth on your pussy again.” He tightens his grip and rises out of the water, turning to set me on the edge. It’s much cooler in the room than it was in the hot spring, and my nipples pebble in response.
I prop my hands on the ground behind me and spread my thighs as Bowen sinks into the water until his face is even with my hips. Without him saying a word, I scoot to the very edge. He doesn’t fuck around. He covers my pussy with his mouth and kisses me there as if he’ll never get another chance. It feels so fucking good, I barely have the presence of mind to mourn the fact that it probably is the last time. If not this time, then maybe the next. The clock on our interlude together ticks faster. This will be over too soon. We just have to make it count.
I’ve never felt so doomed, even as I’m receiving the best pleasure of my life.
CHAPTER 21
Evelyn
NO ONE HAS EVER TOUCHED ME LIKE BOWEN DOES, AS IF I’ll shatter into a million pieces if he holds me too tightly. We come together over and over again, fast and slow and downright lazy at times, but as soon as our bodies cool, one of us will reach for the other and start the process all over again. It’s barely been twenty-four hours since we arrived at the inn, but time feels like taffy, stretching into infinity. It won’t last.
I want to tell him I’m not breakable, but I’m afraid that I’d be lying. It’s good and right that he doesn’t cling to me as if he never wants me to leave. He’s offering me my freedom, or what passes for it. It’s what I wanted. It’s all I wanted.
Except that doesn’t feel quite true anymore.
I don’t know what to do with that feeling, so I shove it down deep and work to lose myself in the feeling of his body against mine and his taste on my tongue. It’s not enough, but I’ve long since learned that nothing is enough to fill up the void inside me.
It’s always been there, for as long as I can remember. Maybe it spawned into existence with my parents’ death. I don’t know. It was less noticeable then, with Bunny’s presence to combat the darkness. But ever since she died, it feels like it’s only gotten bigger.
Like it will swallow me whole someday.
A pounding on the door startles us both. Bowen moves before I do, tossing a sheet over my naked body and stalking to the door. It gives me a glorious view of his ass, and, for a moment, I almost forget the potential danger.
He angles his body behind the door and cracks it open. His shoulders drop, which tells me all I need to know.
It’s over.
He confirms it when he says, “Dia.”
“The Audacity just made dock,” Dia says. “They’ll be here overnight, and then they’re headed north to finish up a hunt before they circle back to Lyari. Best that we both be on it when it leaves in the morning.”
“Both,” he echoes.
I can’t see her, but I swear I feel her attention on me all the same. “I haven’t survived this long by being a fool, Bowen. That girl is going to take her fate into her own hands, damned or not. I just hope you’re not lovestruck enough to do the same. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Bowen shuts the door and turns around to lean against it. Not even the sight of his glorious cock is enough to combat the sudden weight that settles over me. It’s finished. I knew the ending would come at me fast, but this feels too soon. We barely got twenty-four hours. It’s nowhere near enough.
Still, he didn’t promise me more, and I’m the one who’s leaving. I’d be an incredible asshole if I held that against him. I try for a bright smile, though it feels painted on. “Please tell me that I heard her correctly and there’s a ship named the Audacity.”
“You heard right.” He scrubs a hand over his face. “I’d rather sail on any other vessel. Her quartermaster, Nox, isn’t so bad, but the captain is …” He sighs. “He’s the worst of everything you believe the C?n Annwn to be. Everything we are. The captain sets the tone for the rest of the crew. If you weren’t already headed elsewhere, I’d risk the anger of the Council to wait for the next ship rather than press you to join that crew.”
I could point out that he’s proving my point about the C?n Annwn as a whole, but I don’t. Bowen knows. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and a lifetime of conditioning won’t be dismantled in that time, either. He’s questioning it now, though. He’ll keep questioning it. It might get him killed, but he won’t go back to the way he was before. “Bowen—”
“Get dressed.” He’s still not quite looking at me. “It would be best if they didn’t know you were here to question why you aren’t coming aboard. Dia won’t say anything, but the townsfolk might. I’ll get you to the portal tonight. Now.”
Now.
Again, I have to bite down on the desire to ask him to come with me. He already gave his answer. He made his choice. I made mine. We both have our own paths to follow, and they diverge as soon as we walk out this door. Simple as that.
It still feels awful to get dressed in silence, my body still sore and singing from our time together. The feeling will fade, no matter how much I wish I could tattoo the memory of his touch on my very skin. I’ll escape and the years will eat the little details of my time with Bowen, just like they’ve devoured so many memories of Bunny. I’ll be left with vague impressions and a glossed-over image that lacks the true depth of what I feel right now.
Gods, I am so tired of being left behind. Even if I’m the one doing the leaving this time.
But staying is out of the question. I’m a witch and a thief. I’m not a rebel fighter. The only fights I like are ones that I know I can win, and going to battle against a literal navy is a surefire way to get yourself killed. That’s definitely against Bunny’s rules.
Part of me wants to despite that. It’s a small part, but it’s there.
Bowen must catch the strange thoughts flickering across my face, because he shakes his head. “You want to go home. That’s always what you wanted. As much as I wish you would stay, I don’t want you to make that choice for the wrong reasons and end up resenting me.”
He’s such a damn paladin. So self-sacrificing. If he was a little more selfish, he would have fucked me a few more times and entangled my heart completely. Instead, he’s ushering me out into the darkness to give me exactly what I want.
Really, he’s too good for me. Except, you know, for being a murderer on behalf of elder gods. Tiny detail, really.
Every noble cause loves a martyr, but your name living on as legend won’t matter much when you’re worm food.
Bunny’s right. I know she’s right. But my steps grow slower as we leave the village and work our way through the forest to the north. There is no cat-sìth here to force us to turn back. Instead, the trees seem to hold their breath as we move through them, as if they fear us.