I pull her closer. “That was unnecessary. Save your strength.”
“No, you save your strength.” She buries her face in my chest. “There’s a full working kitchen through that door. The pantry is completely stocked. I don’t recognize all the food, but most of it seems to be nonperishable. There’s also an ice chest filled with different prepared soups. I don’t think anyone’s been through here in the last couple days, but it hasn’t been longer than a few weeks, either.”
We aren’t technically on the run. Yes, I disobeyed an order, but it was in the pursuit of doing what the Council commanded us to do. Kill the mermaids. I’m nearly certain that’s not enough to get me branded as a traitor, but that’s two ships turning me out in less than a week. Someone is bound to take notice if it keeps happening, and I can’t see a scenario where it doesn’t keep happening. I no longer have the ability to mindlessly obey without pushing back.
No, there has to be some other way. Some other route. Something. Because every time I misstep, I put Evelyn in danger. Unacceptable. “I don’t know how to get you home yet, but we’ll figure it out.”
She lifts her head and glares at me. “Is that what you think I’m worried about right now? You almost died. Several times. In a very short sequence of events. If I leave now, I’m going to spend the rest of my life worried that you charged nobly into the next conflict you came across and got your silly honorable head chopped right off your shoulders.” Her lower lip quivers. “Don’t ask me to do that, Bowen. Either come with me … or …”
I can’t stand to see her sad. Something almost akin to panic rises inside me, and I speak the first thing that comes to mind. “Do you know, I think there’s a good chance I came from the portal on the first island where you tried to escape.” I don’t intend to voice the suspicion that’s been growing inside me. “I knew too much about the cat-sìth. Even its name. That knowledge didn’t come from being one of the C?n Annwn. It came from the time before.”
She stares at me. “If that’s true … do you want to go through the portal? To figure out what you left behind?”
“No,” I say slowly. “There’s something bad lingering in the back of my mind. I suspect I’ll have to deal with it eventually, but I’m not in a hurry to face it. I don’t think what happened aboard the Audacity is the first time I lost control like that. I think last time it happened, I hurt people I didn’t mean to.”
“But it would be a familiar realm. That’s more than we can say for most of the others. If we escape there—”
“Then nothing changes.” I speak the words softly and yet they still feel like a giant boulder dropped in the middle of a still pool. It’s the truth I’ve been working toward, the one I wasn’t ready to face. What’s the point of going back to the first thirteen years of my life when all I’ll be able to focus on is the evil I’ve perpetuated through the last twenty? Because that’s what it is. Evil.
Even now, there’s a part of me that pushes back against that word. It doesn’t matter. It’s the truth. “I never wanted to hurt anyone. I only wanted to protect them. But what the fuck do my intentions matter when I’m serving an unjust system? I have been a tool used for reasons I don’t understand yet.” I look at her, knowing that my next words will be the ones that end things with her for good. “I can’t change what I’ve done. But I can change what I do next. I want answers. More than that, I want to set things right.”
Her eyes shine with unshed tears. “You’re going to get yourself killed. You’re only one man against how many fucking C?n Annwn? And that’s not even getting into the Council or the elder gods that may or may not still be lurking around somewhere. What can you possibly do against those odds?”
“I don’t know.” I brush her hair back from her face and cup her jaw. “But if they’re going to hunt me, then I’m going to give them a damn good reason to do it. Not by running away. By fighting.”
The trembling in her lower lip gets more pronounced. “That is the most foolish, self-sacrificing, paladin thing you’ve ever said.” A single tear escapes the corner of her eye. “Bunny is probably doing backflips of glee in the afterlife. She has to be, because I’ve never loved you more. I guess that makes me just as much a noble fool as you.”
Is she saying what I think she’s saying? Surely not. “But you want to go home.”
“Of course I do. That realm is the only one I’ve ever known. It’s the only one that contains places I spent time with Bunny.” She takes deep breath. “But unless there’s another portal home lying around …”
I wish I could tell her something positive. I slowly shake my head. “As far as I’ve experienced, there’s a single portal on each island.”
“A portal that’s now destroyed. I have no one to blame for that but myself. But even if it was still open, I find myself in the same position that you are. I can spend the rest of my life chasing my past … or I can move into the future.”
“Threshold is a realm of magic beyond knowing. There’s nothing to say that portal was your only way home. There might be others. It’s not as if I know every secret about this place.”
“There’s nothing to say it isn’t.” She shakes her head. “No. I’m not going to keep chasing a fool’s dream when there’s a very real fight to be had here. One that maybe I can help with. One where I might have a future.”
Hope is a horrible, nebulous thing. If I don’t ask the question then I can stay in this moment of not knowing. There’s magic in ignorance; haven’t I learned that lesson several times over by now? But if I’m going to start being brave and searching for answers, that needs to start now. “A future with me?”
It’s hard to tell in the growing shadows, but I’m nearly certain that Evelyn blushes crimson. She won’t quite meet my gaze. “I don’t know that you want me on your side if you’re starting a revolution. I’m just a witch who also happens to be good at picking pockets.”
The hope in my chest unfurls with a strength that makes me want to howl at the moon. She’s really saying what I didn’t dare wish she’d say. She’s staying. In Threshold. With me.
I gently urge her to face me. “There’s no ‘just’ about it. I want you by my side. No stipulations. No conditions. No caveats. But you are a value, Evie. You ask questions that need asking, and that’s worth its weight in gold. People like you, too. They’re scared of me, but they instantly warm up to you.” She opens her mouth, no doubt to argue some more, and I press my finger to her lips. “I understand if you don’t want to fight. This isn’t your battle. But never say that you’re not valuable. You are to me.”
“There you go again, saying all the right things.”
“I never say the right things.” My laugh feels choked. “Or at least you’re the only one who thinks so.”
She wraps her hand around my wrist and squeezes a little. “Bowen, this feels really big. Like really big.”