I locked it all down, including the brutal pain.
I declined to let fear in, or to have control of me. I’d be afraid later, but fear wouldn’t bring Knox back.
I disengaged from the love I felt for him, expunging it from my mind and heart. Later, I’d remember how I’d loved him, which would remind me that he’d been real.
I swallowed down the hopelessness losing him forced me to feel, choking as it trickled down my throat.
I permitted anguish a fleeting second more, loathing the way it caused my mind to break, shattering my resolve, then I violently shoved it away.
I forced grief to release me, to free me from the horrid grip it held around my throat, blocking the air from reaching my lungs. One day, I’d allow myself to grieve the loss of the man I’d loved, but it wasn’t today.
As everything detached, I permitted my psychosis to fuel me with new emotions. Then, I let new emotions enter. Wrath. Disdain. Abhorrence. Indifference. Bitterness. Self-loathing. Rage. Contempt. Resentment. It was all that was left now. I wrapped myself within the cloak of it, slowly allowing the new, harder, more savage blanket of emotions to adjust over my tender flesh.
I let them all crash into one harsh mindset of pure determination. I’d need the grit they’d lend me. The others could wait until I’d gotten Knox back from the evil whore who thought she could take him from me. Turning around, I discovered every single person I’d told to wait had followed behind me. They were all staring as I returned a lifeless, emotionless grin, which only made those who knew me, flinch.
I’d thought I was coming back to claim a kingdom, and prepare to end the life of a goddess. Instead, I’d be fighting against the man I’d fallen in love with. The entire room went silent around me. The cold, merciless bitch was hoping Knox would end me, and she’d get her happy ever after with my beast. I’d be damned if I allowed her to get her ending. Not if I didn’t end up with my beast, and the library. I’d show that sadistic bitch just how wicked beauty could be for her beloved beast.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Aria
Three days had passed since I’d returned to the library. Each day I awoke in Knox’s bed, reaching for him. The moment my eyes opened, a tightening would build in my chest, bubbling in the burn as a silent scream. It never escaped past my lips, though. Every morning, I’d slip into the cold, detached persona I was crafting around my poor, shattered heart. Then, I’d get dressed before doing mundane things, like stacking books until the pile stood taller than I did.
Inhaling the scent of fresh herbs mixed with a hint of lavender, I strode toward the bed that Lore lay on, unmoving. Like him, I was awash in self-loathing. It hadn’t mattered if I would have traded myself for him, as Brander had pointed out with such attention to detail. The thing was, I wasn’t here. Lore on the other hand. Guilt consumed him for being the one thing Knox couldn’t handle watching, as he was tortured in front of him.
“This shit stinks,” he muttered, then waved his moss-covered hand toward his face. “How much longer do you expect me to wear it?” At the delicate brow I raised, he slumped back down against the mattress.
“You are a horrible patient, Lore.” Leaning over the bed, I pulled the square pincushion moss from his cheek, smiling tightly as I roved over the oozing, putrid, black secretion continually being extracted from the multiple bite and claw marks that threatened to leave him scarred and disfigured. “How do the wounds feel today?” I questioned, reaching up to push the unbound strands of silvery hair behind my ear.
“Like swamp ass.” His sparkling, golden eyes forced mine to them, then held them fleetingly before returning them to the ceiling. “Fucking hell, I didn’t mean to attack you, Aria.”
“Silly Lore, I know you didn’t,” I supplied, while offering him a reassuring smile. “I’m afraid you’re going to be a ‘swamp ass’ for at least another day. In a little while, I’ll change the moss. It should help with the smell.”
The crashing of hooves over the ground sent my attention to the large, open window. Glancing at Lore, who refused to interact more than he had to, I headed toward the balcony I’d stood on when Knox had climbed up to me. Reinforcing the lock on my emotions, I stepped outside, then swallowed down the disappointment as Killian, who’d met the scouting party at the gates, shook his head.
I sucked in the fresh air before resting my arms on the railing, scanning the courtyard. The air was filled with the scents and sounds of early fall, spreading over the land. The leaves had shifted to varying hues of red and orange. The autumn breeze rustled both my hair and the leaves. Tension trickled through the air, as if the world was holding its breath. It seemed as though the realms were aware of the impending battle. The strong scent of disturbed earth from newly-dug graves slowly drifted up to where I stood.
A crash below the balcony forced my eyes to where boys were struggling to haul a cart laden with supplies. Brander had gathered supplies so that it would prepare the palace in the event they unleashed Knox upon it. He wasn’t wrong about doing so. Hecate wouldn’t ignore Norvalla for long. She wanted control over every kingdom, right along with every soul inside of them. That meant eventually, she’d come for them.
“You doing okay?” Esme questioned. As I turned, I noted the worry swimming within their violet pools. Leaning against the same railing, she exhaled a long, shuddered breath. “And are we ready for when he actually comes? Because you facing him isn’t a brilliant idea.”
“I’m still breathing. I guess that means I’m fine,” I returned smoothly, turning to peer toward her. “I don’t know if I’m ready to see him like this. How do you see someone you care for taken over by someone else? Are you okay, Esme?” Her jaw tightened with the question.
The sound of her bottom molars grinding against the top ones mirrored my current state of mind. Winking at her, she frowned, but slowly nodded. Releasing an exhale, I pushed up from the railing, then tapped seven times with my hands, then pulled my hands back. Scooting back into the alcove of the balcony, I leaned against the wall, watching for any trace of movement outside the gates.
“They didn’t find any trace of Knox through the passes.” Esme exhaled, her eyes still following the small children attempting to help the men. “Someone once told me that the most dangerous people are those who can quietly hold their anger inside. But you hold it against you like its armor, which won’t force the pain not to touch you.” Esme turned around to lean her back against the railing, glancing around the library before her eyes landed on me.
“Anger is useful against your enemies. Pain, on the other hand? It only makes you do stupid shit and make reckless choices,” I returned, eyeing the men on horseback rushing toward the courtyard gates. Their pace forced my heartbeat to speed up, even as I refused to allow hope to enter my mind. Slowly but surely, tiny bumps spread over my arms. “They’ve located Knox.” I didn’t need it confirmed. The blood splattering their armor pretty much gave it away.
The men barely allowed the gates to open wide enough for them to pass before they were pouring through them. Raising my chin, I inhaled deeply, smelling the wrongness surrounding the returning warriors. My brows pushed together as the sharp, pungent scent of death and the coppery tang of freshly-spilled blood brushed against my nostrils. They were freshly murdered, which meant Knox was nearby.