Stars in Your Eyes
Kacen Callender
Dear Reader,
Stars in Your Eyes is a deeply personal story that explores trauma’s effects on relationships. While there is ultimately healing, hope, joy, and love, there is also content that might trigger some readers, including: mentions of past childhood sexual abuse, sexual assault, bullying and harassment online, suicidal thoughts, homophobia and biphobia, parental rejection and verbal abuse, and mentions of potential overdose.
Especially when exploring painful topics, I understand that it can sometimes feel invalidating when a portrayal of trauma does not reflect our own. While many of these experiences are personal, I want to acknowledge that not everyone’s response to trauma is the same. Please, take care of yourself while reading.
With love, Kacen
Deadline Exclusive:
[Two photos, side by side: twenty-three-year-old Matthew Cole with freckled brown skin, curly brown hair, and dark brown eyes, wearing a pink graphic t-shirt and a cheerful grin; twenty-four-year-old Logan Gray with lighter brown skin, straight-wavy black hair, and dark brown eyes lined by long eyelashes, wearing all black and a bored scowl.]
Matthew Cole has joined the cast of the much-anticipated film Write Anything （a pun on the 1989 film Say Anything）， based on the New York Times bestselling romance novel by Cordelia Cameron about two male authors who are forced to work together and inevitably fall in love. Logan Gray has already been cast in the lead as Quinn Evans; Matthew Cole will play opposite as Riley Mason. The film is slated to be released early next year.
Video begins:
YouTube personality star Shaina Lively sits in front of bright yellow lights; in the background is an office, wall plastered with posters for various rom-com films. Shaina leans into the camera and begins to speak with a Southern accent: “Hey, y’all! I know you’re just as excited as I am to hear the news that Matthew Cole will be joining the cast of Write Anything!”
She screams and jumps up and down in her seat.
“Oh, my God, I’m sorry, I’m just beside myself. I love this book, and I love Mattie, so I know this is going to be a match made in heaven. Ah!
“Now, I’ve already started to hear some grumbling complaints that Matthew is too young and that he isn’t a serious actor—but if anything, it’s really Logan Gray that we need to be worried about. Yeah, I know he’s won Oscars or whatever, but I’m willing to bet each and every one of you that Logan is going to mess up this film someway, somehow, and our poor Matthew is gonna pay the price. And if that happens, I might just have to shank a bitch.”
She gives a warm smile. “Well, that’s all for now! Until next time.”
She blows a kiss at the camera.
Video ends.
Mattie
I’m led down halls with fresh white paint and tiled floors that smell like bleach. I’m wheezing and sweating, trying to take a deep breath and cool down before I enter the room, desert heat still sticking to my skin. I’m very late. I know I’ll get some points knocked off on first impressions for that alone, and I don’t think anyone will take an “I’m sorry, I’m not used to LA traffic” as an excuse anymore. It might’ve worked for my first role, but I’ve been in and out of the city going on a year now.
Samantha, the assistant who leads me down the halls, seems as nervous as me, and that’s saying something. “Are you sure you don’t want a water? Coffee?” she asks for the third time.
“I’m okay,” I say, still breathless. I catch her looking at me, gaze flitting away quickly, and I realize—oh, yeah, I’m supposed to be famous. I’m still not used to it. Love Me Dearly was released about six months ago, and after the promo tour ended, I wasn’t prepared for this kind of everyday attention. I feel self-conscious and try not to pull at my shirt, a nervous habit my manager, Paola, said I should work on.
Samantha opens the door for me at the end of the hall. I thank her as I hurry inside, trying not to flat-out run but also not wanting to stroll like I’ve got all the time in the world. The room has one huge conference table with a dozen or so people seated around it in a circle, and there’s a smaller table pushed up against the farthest wall with coffee and fruit. As soon as I step inside, everyone’s heads turn to me. My heart thuds. You’d think an actor would be all right with so many eyes on him, but my big secret is that I still have stage fright.
“Matthew!”
The director, Dave Miller, stands up. He’s white and has gray sideburns with a patchy beard. His button-up has a dot of a coffee stain on the collar. He pats my shoulder as he gestures to the room. “Everyone, Mattie. Mattie, everyone.”
There’s a mix of friendly smiles and handwaves and exhausted nods. I’m nervous not only because I’m standing in a room full of strangers staring at me but because of who the strangers are. I’ve watched most of these actors in my favorite shows and movies since I was a kid. And now I’m going to be in a movie with them. That’s the actual dream, and I’m still amazed each and every day that I’ve managed to make it this far. Now I just have to make sure I don’t screw it up.
One person at the table hasn’t bothered to look in my direction. Logan Gray. For a moment, I think that he might be asleep. He has shades on even though we’re inside and the room isn’t very bright, and he wears a hoodie that admittedly looks extremely comfortable as he leans back in one of the conference room chairs, his boots up on the chair next to him. He emits a small snore. Yep, definitely asleep.
I’d auditioned for the lead in Write Anything. Riley Mason is a great character, but he feels similar to the roles I’ve had before: upbeat, optimistic, the character audiences automatically love. I’m worried about being typecast so early in my career, and I wanted to push myself with Quinn Evans. Quinn is…more complicated. He messes up, hurts himself and others in his own attempts to grow. He’s the sort of character that’s more challenging for an actor. If I’d gotten the role, it would’ve been hard work to stay true to Quinn and the source material. It would’ve been difficult to find glimmers of sympathy for his character while delving into the pits of his self-loathing, all while trying to make him sympathetic to the viewer, too.
I was beside myself to get cast in a movie like this at all. Crying and jumping up and down with my mom and my sister is one of my happiest memories. I have to admit that I was also disappointed to lose the role out to Gray, though I can’t say I’m surprised. Gray’s been typecast as well. He’s the kind of actor who screams drugs and sex in a way I probably never will, no matter how much I try. “He has that edge,” my publicist said.
Gray is among the actors I admire. He’s got raw talent. I’ve studied him. I’ve watched interviews with him, trying to figure out a kernel of his magic. I’m amazed at how easily he scoffs at technique and process. He rolls his eyes at interviewers whenever he’s asked about craft, saying that it’s just a fancy word assholes made up as an excuse to say who is allowed to be nominated for awards and who is not.
And there was the other, more recent interview I’d seen with Gray, too, just two weeks before, right after I was cast. A bolt of anger flashes through me, but I remember what I’d decided: I’ll pretend I never saw the interview at all. That’s what I’ll have to do, if I’m going to be able to work with him.