There has been some progress in speaking openly about difficult memories. In group, he spoke about when he was sixteen years old and publicly came out as bisexual. Logan was under an immense amount of stress from the producers of a movie he had finished filming, and social media was abusive towards him as well.
Logan had no support system in place, as his mother had left the year before. His father returned home from a business trip and gave Logan the silent treatment for several days, which Logan has stated was one of his father’s favorite forms of punishment. When Logan’s father next spoke to him, he told Logan to go onto social media and announce that he had been confused or was only going through a phase, or something to that effect. His father stated that Logan “was only looking for attention by claiming he was bisexual” and that Logan would “lose the production company money.”
When Logan refused, his father implied that Logan “took too much after his slut of a mother,” which in particular implied Logan’s traumas to that point were to blame on Logan himself.
There was a tense moment in the group, when Logan’s roommate, Tom, asked if Logan had ever considered speaking publicly about the abuse he faced, which Logan took as an attack and suggestion that he would have spoken publicly if the abuse had been serious enough, or that, perhaps, the abuse was not so bad if he’d remained silent about it for so many years. Logan reacted angrily and sarcastically, and insulted Tom, digging into Tom’s own wounds that he had shared in group. I was pleased to observe the open communication in the group as they investigated the assumptions made, and was particularly pleased when Logan admitted he made a mistake and apologized.
I will ask Logan next week if he feels comfortable being asked about his trauma, or if he would prefer to speak about what happened at his own pace.
Mattie
I’ve been avoiding speaking to Emma and my mom. I feel guilty, lying to them so much about this fake relationship with Logan—though, now, I’m not even sure if it’s as fake as we think. We’ve had sex. Logan says this doesn’t have to complicate things, but my feelings are already getting tangled. I care about him. I care as another human being, who is worried about someone who is clearly struggling with something, even if he won’t say what. I care about him as a colleague, and as a friend. Pretending to be in love with him has only made things blurrier. I don’t actually love him. I don’t know him well enough to be in love with Logan. But when I force myself to feel emotions for the sake of acting, it can all get mixed up at times, trying to remember what is and isn’t reality.
But the way he shut me out—literally and emotionally…By the time I get back to the hotel and have a shower, I’m feeling more alone than I ever have in this city. I feel tendrils of old shame curl through me. I had sex with another man again. I close my eyes and breathe through it. Remind myself that I’m worthy of love, even if some people in my life have acted like I’m not. I breathe until I can feel the shame fading.
I dry off and get dressed before I call Emma. She’s already been at Sarah Lawrence for the past couple of weeks, and I’ve been texting with her on and off, asking how she’s liking her classes and if she’s settled into her dorm all right. Her text messages started out as enthusiastic, excited—but they’ve been getting shorter, until they became one-word responses. I assumed she was just getting too busy for her big brother, but when she answers the FaceTime, I see the shadows under her eyes. She looks like she’s been crying.
“Emma?” I say, turning away from the balcony. “Are you okay?”
She shrugs. “Yeah.”
I should’ve called her sooner to see how she was doing. My mom said she was fine, but Emma wouldn’t have told her the truth, especially when our mom tends to worry so much. We really are siblings. I never open up to people when I’m struggling, either. Maybe I shouldn’t judge Logan for that so much, for not being able to open up to me.
“What’s going on?” I ask, sitting on the side of my bed. “Why do you look so upset?”
She won’t look me in the eye. “I don’t know.”
“Come on, Em. Talk to me.”
Emma sighs. “It’s just…hard. Everyone’s making friends with everyone else, and I feel like the weird kid sitting alone in the cafeteria.” Em was in a bunch of clubs in high school, constantly surrounded with friends she’d had since she was little. She’d said she hadn’t planned on telling anyone that she was my sister. She didn’t want attention just because of me, from people who were more interested in my fame than who she was as a person.
“It’s only been a couple of weeks,” I say. “Maybe you’ll get to know your classmates, and things will be different before you know it.” She doesn’t react. I feel my protective big brother urge come over me, and I wish I could be there to give her a hug in person and tell her it’ll be all right. “Are you liking your classes, at least?”
“They’re okay,” she mumbles.
Sometimes I wish I had gone to college instead of immediately jumping into this acting career. Who knows? Maybe I would’ve learned that I love art, or music, or something else. But I’d decided this was going to be my dream, and I stuck with it. Emma isn’t even sure what she wants to do yet. I’m excited for her to learn more about herself. But seeing her like this without that excited spark in her eye is killing me.
“I’m sorry, Em,” I tell her. “I wish I could do something to help.”
“It’s fine,” she tells me. “You can’t fix everything, you know.” I think she might be a little annoyed. “And besides, it’s okay to just let someone be sad sometimes.”
When did she get so wise? “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
She sighs. “It kind of sucks to realize I’m not as perfect as I thought I was. And it’s like, now, I have to figure out who I am when I’m not surrounded by people who think I’m the best at everything.”
I nod. I absolutely know what she means. It’s almost painful, how much I can relate.
*
The other cast members have met up for drinks after a full day of work a few times, and I’ve joined them twice, sipping ginger ale. Monica never seems overly enthused with me, but I think she might be that way with everyone. Keith is as funny in real life as he is in the script, and Scott has made me feel welcome…but sitting with them, I still felt like I had something to prove.
Julie especially has always gone out of her way to be friendly and supportive, as if she still feels bad for the way that Logan treated me at the table read. We only have one scene together: she’s Lauren, the bitter ex-girlfriend who demands to know why I’m good enough for Quinn. We meet in my apartment when she barges in, enraged. “Quinn only thinks he’s gay because of you,” she says, pointing a finger into my chest. “Do you know how upsetting it is to be the last girlfriend of a gay man? Everyone is going to think that something is wrong with me now.”
The scene runs smoothly, and at the end of it, Julie offers me a smile. “Coffee?”
I’m done for the day, so I nod. “Yeah. That’d be great.”