Back in the city, I spend my time lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling with Gio curled up on my chest. I’m going to have to figure out a job soon, because I only have a couple of months’ cushion before I’ll have to dip into the money I’ve been saving to start my bakery. For now, I can’t face it, though. New York might be a big city, but the restaurant industry is a small town, and I’m sure Xavier has trash-talked me to everyone he knows. If I end up losing this apartment, it’s not like Jacob is going to take me in again.
I try not to dwell on Jacob, but he’s everywhere in this tiny apartment. Standing in the middle of the room, filling up the space. Smiling at me from my couch, a plate of chocolate cake on his lap. Wrestling with my cat and suggesting the perfect name.
Walking across the room, sitting on the bed, and kissing me.
The worst part is that I did this to myself. Jacob loved me. I know he did. All through my Very Bad Year, and long before that, he loved me in the most generous, thoughtful, the most Jacob ways. If I hadn’t been so self-absorbed, I might have looked up from my own misery to see it. To see him. And if I had, I’d probably be with him right now. But I wished that year away. I wished that chance away. And when I did, I set a whole new year into motion. One where Jacob met Paige, and he fell in love with her instead of me. It’s all my fault. And there’s nothing I can do to change it.
By the time the morning of New Year’s Eve rolls around, Gio and I are three seasons of The Golden Girls, six pints of Ben & Jerry’s, and a packet of cat treats into my epic moping marathon. I really, really, really don’t want to go out and face the world, but Zoe is planning a New Year’s party at the café, and she needs me to make the pastries. As miserable as I am, I can’t let Zoe down, so I drag myself out of bed and head for the shower for the first time in… Well. Let’s not talk about how long it’s been.
Six hours later, I’m at Higher Grounds arranging a tray with macarons while José Luis and Zoe bustle around, moving tables and hanging decorations, once again at the direction of Mrs. Kaminski.
“Come on, Mrs. K,” José Luis says, shimmying across the dance floor to the music playing through the speakers. He holds out his hand. “Don’t we deserve a little break? Why don’t you show me your moves?”
Mrs. Kaminski swats him away, and I can’t help but laugh. I have to admit, I’m feeling a teeny, tiny bit better. This place always seems to do that to me. I go back to my pastries, and a minute later, as I’m wrestling with an industrial-sized box of plastic wrap, I hear the front door jingle.
“I’m sorry, we’re closed for a private party,” Zoe tells the customer who walked in.
“Oh, I just wanted some coffee,” the customer says.
My head jerks up. I’d know that voice anywhere.
“Kasumi?”
My former best friend stands at the counter, staring at me with wide eyes. “Sadie? Wow, I didn’t expect to see you here.”
She’s wearing a black coat, but underneath, I can see the edges of a tulle skirt peeking out. It’s New Year’s Eve, she’s probably off to a costume party, one that she’ll photograph beautifully and get a hundred billion likes on Instagram. The ache in my heart comes back in full force. I miss Kasumi. I miss her energy and the fun we had. I miss talking to her.
She eyes my tray of cookies. “Do you work here now?”
I nod. “Yeah, I make all the pastries.”
“What happened to Xavier’s?” There’s an edge to her voice, and I can’t blame her. I put Xavier’s first and blew up our friendship over it. But at least Kasumi’s talking to me; she hasn’t turned and walked out, which is major progress from all my other attempts to reach out to her. Is this my chance to apologize and finally fix this?
Suddenly nervous, I drop the box of plastic wrap and fumble to pick it up. “Could we talk for a minute? I really want to explain what happened. And apologize to you.”
Kasumi hesitates, but she doesn’t say no. I seize on this opening, tilting my head toward a table in the back of the room. “Please? We can sit over there.”
“I have to work tonight…” She trails off, looking at me across the counter, and then she finally nods. “But I guess I have five minutes.”
I blow out a relieved sigh. “Thank you.”
We make our way to the table in the back, and Zoe swings by to drop off two cups of coffee. I clutch the mug, grateful to have something to do with my hands. “Thanks, Zoe.”
“Let me know if you two need anything else, okay?” Zoe must have overheard our conversation at the counter because she rests a hand on my shoulder, showing she’s here for me, before she walks away.
Kasumi watches Zoe head back behind the counter, and then turns back to me. “So.”
I take a deep breath and look at her across the table. “I want to apologize for throwing you and Samantha under the bus at Xavier’s. I knew she didn’t leave that tray of food out, and I should have backed you up.”
“I just don’t understand why you didn’t. I mean, what happened to you?” Kasumi’s eyes narrow, and she levels an accusing glare at me. “You used to be such a strong person, and you’d stand up for people and have their backs. And then all of a sudden, it was like you were a different person, and I didn’t know you at all.”
I look down at my hands wrapped around my coffee mug. “You’re right. And I’m so sorry.”
“So, what changed?” Kasumi leans back against her chair and crosses her arms.
“I don’t know how to explain it, exactly.” Again, the I’m living this whole year over for the second time explanation really isn’t going to cut it. But it’s not really about that anyway. I let my friend down. That was a decision I made. “To be honest, I guess I just started listening to the voices in my head. The ones saying that if I want to be a success, I had to play the game.” I stare into the dark liquid in my cup. “You know, don’t be so loud or opinionated, or…” I shrug. “I got scared that if I didn’t tone it down, I’d lose the things that mattered to me… Like my job. Or Alex.”
Kasumi looks at me sideways. “So, how did that work out for you? You know, not being so loud, or opinionated, or whatever?”
“Really, really badly.” A laugh bubbles up before I can stop it. “And—” My smile fades. “It turns out that I did lose things that mattered to me. That actually mattered.” I meet her eyes. “Like you.”
She looks at me for a moment, her face softening now. And then she nods like maybe she kind of gets it. “To be fair to you, it probably wasn’t just the voices in your head you were hearing. It was also the voices of your parents, and Alex, and you know…” Her lips curve into a tentative smile. “Society.”
I look up at her. She does get it. Why didn’t I just talk to her about all this months ago, when we were still friends? Maybe I wouldn’t have felt so alone. Maybe I could have saved us both so much heartache. “That’s not an excuse, though. I made my own decisions.”
Kasumi takes a sip of her coffee. “So, what did happen at Xavier’s? Why don’t you work there anymore?”