I sank onto the couch, breathing hard.
“I’m sorry,” Norivun said gruffly. “Fuck, Haxil. I almost . . . almost . . .” Such torment was written across his face.
Haxil sat up, still rubbing his side, but he nudged Prince Norivun. “I know. It’s okay. Instincts in a male can be—”
Haxil cast a wary glance my way before he grunted and stood. He smiled at me sheepishly.
“Thanks for—” He shrugged, as though not sure how to thank me for the fact that my affinity had stopped one of his closest friends from murdering him. “Thanks for that and for the dinner and conversation. We’ll have to finish it another time.”
I could only manage a nod as the guard limped toward the door, his movements still stiff, but with each step he took, he seemed to heal and grow stronger. By the time he reached the threshold, he’d stopped rubbing his side completely, and his wings didn’t look like razors against his back anymore.
He eyed us over his shoulder. “I’ll just give you two some time. I’ll be in the hall.”
“No,” Norivun said sharply. “You’re to go to the infirmary and have Murl check you over and ensure you’re all right. After that, you’re to take the rest of the evening off. I’ll guard Ilara. That’s an order.”
“Yes, my prince.” With that, Haxil closed the door, and I was alone with my mate.
I sat stiffly on the couch, staring at the crown prince as my heart raced and my breathing grew shallow.
The prince stayed on the floor, looking toward where his friend had lain, had almost died. He wouldn’t look at me. Wouldn’t answer the questions that my silence asked.
I realized he wasn’t going to admit what happened, so finally I said, “How long have you known?”
His shoulders rose sharply, his wings lifting above his head.
Inch by inch, his chin tilted up until those piercing blue eyes speared right into me, right to the center of who I was.
“Known what?”
His question was weighted, his gaze intense. Everything he felt and knew was in his eyes, but he wanted me to go first. Tradition dictated that males wait for females to acknowledge the bond before acting.
I knew I could deny it, could continue pretending that I didn’t know, but there was no running from fate. Inevitably, it caught you, and I would rather this moment be on my terms than his.
“That I’m your mate?” I whispered.
His breath stuttered, and his wings lifted more as his breathing grew faster. A moment passed and then another.
“My prince?” I demanded.
He met my gaze again, his eyes swimming with barely leashed wildness. It was a look I’d seen so many times in him over the past two months, so—
My breath caught.
Months? I’d been seeing that look on him for months.
“When did you know?” I repeated but louder. Blessed Mother, had he been feeling the bond that long?
His jaw grew tighter, the muscle flexing in the corner. “For a while.”
“How long? When did you first know?”
He released a breath. “When I brought you here to the castle. That first day when I flew us through the wards, and those two guards were fighting.” His voice turned raspy and low. “It was when the injured one began to die, and I felt your affinity rise. That was when I knew. That was the moment the bond clicked into place for me.”
I collapsed back onto the sofa. He’d known all this time? That meant . . .
“You’ve known the entire time I’ve been at this castle? You knew I was your mate when you locked me in these chambers for weeks on end?”
“I did.”
“Yet, you did it anyway?” I screeched, remembering that time when I’d felt so much anxiety and distress over what my future would hold.
He winced. “I had to. Your affinity was only beginning to manifest and—” He growled. “I’ve already explained all of this. Why must I do it again?”
I sprang from my seat and began to pace. “Because it changes everything. You did all of those things to me, all of those horrible things that made me feel . . . ock—” I paced faster. “You did all of that knowing that I was your mate?”
He pushed to a stand too, his hands fisting. “Yes, I did, and do you know what it did to me? It killed me to treat you like that, Ilara, but I had to for your sake and our continent’s.”
I spun to face him, planting my feet on the floor. My chest heaved as my heart pattered like a trapped bird. Why? Why must he be my mate? The murderer of my family? The male who’s tortured me so?
I swung away. “Who else knows?”
“My guards and Nuwin too.”
“How long have all of them known?”
He sighed. “I told my guards within a few days of realizing it, and I told Nuwin the same day. When I hauled him out into the hallway, the night you first met him, and he’d teased you as being my courtesan, I told him you were my mate. I only told him so he’d keep his hands off you in my absence.”
I covered my face with my hands. They’d all known. All of them, while I’d remained entirely na?ve.
The prince’s footsteps thundered in my ears. “Ilara,” he said gently.
Tears flooded my eyes, but I moved away from him before he could reach me. “No. Don’t.”
I fled from his sight, flying through the doors to my courtyard, needing to get away from him and this bond that stretched so tightly between us that it felt as though my chest was caving in.
Moonlight pierced the night sky, and the warmth of my courtyard’s orem bathed my senses.
I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and inhaled deeply. Scents from the juniper blossoms tickled my nose, and the thick, cloying potency of the roses came next. Breathe in and out. Just breathe.
It was a tactic I’d used to ground myself after Tormesh and my parents had died. On the days when it felt as though I would shatter and everything around me was an illusion, I would plant my feet on the ground and let the soil curl between my toes as I breathed in the crystalline air of our northern realm. Slowly, the pounding in my heart would ease, and my tears would stop threatening to fall.
It was an act I did again now. I didn’t know what else to do.
I didn’t hear the prince approach, but his aura pummeled into my wingless back, barreling into me like crashing waves on the Tala Sea.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I never wanted this news to upset you.”
I took one last deep breath before I spun to face him. Blinking, I held back the tears that threatened to fall. I would not cry or show him how destroyed I felt. It wasn’t his fault the gods had chosen us for one another, but it didn’t make me any less angry. Why did they make him for me?
I couldn’t be with the male who’d killed my parents and brother. Even if I found it in me to completely forgive him, that stain would forever mar our relationship and taint any love that bloomed between us in blood.
He stared at me, the seconds ticking past as he waited.
“I can’t be with you,” I finally said. “Not now. Not ever.”
His throat worked a swallow, his entire body going rigid.
“You killed my family. How can I forgive you for that?”
He moved so fast it was like lightning struck. He suddenly towered over me, making my head tilt back so I could meet his stormy expression as my chest threatened to swell.